Category: It’s a Crime

The Protester Who Threw Eggs At King Charles Isn’t Allowed To Carry Eggs In Public Unless He’s Coming From The Grocery Store

November 11, 2022 / Posted by:

Two days ago, King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla were greeting crowds on a visit to York, when, suddenly, *whoosh* *whoosh* *whoosh* Three eggs were hurled in their direction, and splatted on the ground nearby. The culprit, 23-year-old student/eco-activist Patrick Thelwell managed to yell out,“This country was built on the blood of slaves!” and “Not my king!” before he was wrestled to the ground by bobbies and arrested. After spending 12 hours in a cell, Patrick was released on bail. He is facing a fine of £5,000 and up to six months behind bars.

Now Patrick is speaking about the incident to the media, including The Mirror and Dazed. He reveals that his “amusing” bail conditions include not being allowed within 500 meters of the King (easy) and not being allowed to carry eggs in public… unless he’s coming from the grocery store. Sorry, kids, Uncle Patty can’t run the annual Easter egg hunt this year; he’s banned from carrying eggs in public.

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“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Contestant Shannel Accused Of Stealing $700 From An Audience Member’s Purse

August 18, 2022 / Posted by:

Drag queen Shannel, best known for appearances on the first seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race and RPDR All Stars, caught shit over a comedic bit where she “steals” tips from the audience. Audience member Megan Gerber has accused the queen of taking $700 out of her purse during a drag brunch performance in Vegas. Megan uploaded footage of the alleged theft to TikTok and so far it has 5 million views. The video shows Shannel rifling through Megan’s purse, fishing out some cash, and returning the purse to her table. Wow! Right in front of cameras and a packed house! To quote Drag Race UK’s Tayce, “The cheek, the nerve, the gall, the audacity, and the gumption” (IF SHANNEL IS GUILTY).

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Current “Jeopardy!” Champion Amy Schneider Was Robbed

January 4, 2022 / Posted by:

Bummer news outta the Jeopardy! world. Don’t worry, Mike Richards is still fired. Nope, this is about current Jeopardy! champion, Amy Schneider. The 42-year-old engineering manager from Oakland, California has 24 consecutive wins under her belt, with $897,600 in total winnings. Unfortunately for Amy, something shitty happened to her this past Sunday. She was robbed! No, not on the show (Jeopardy! doesn’t air Sundays, silly!). She was literally robbed in real life.

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Open Post: Hosted By New Hampshire’s Reindeer Burglar

December 2, 2021 / Posted by:

New Hampshirites! Please be on the lookout for a suspect wanted in a break-and-enter at an elementary school in Barnstead. Suspect is a male reindeer with one antler; the other antler was left at the scene of the crime. Suspect broke in through a window at noon on Sunday (thank God the kids weren’t there) and escaped through a second window before he could be captured by cops and firefighters. The Barnstead Police Department alleges that one of their officers heard a voice in the distance yell, “On Dancer!”, but I’m gonna chalk that up to typical cop bullshit. Continue reading

Jeremy Piven’s House Was Robbed Of $20,000 Worth Of Clothes

October 25, 2021 / Posted by:

Jeremy Piven has been the victim of a CRIME! TMZ is reporting that Bling Ring-esque thieves broke into Jeremy’s LA home when he was out of town. They came in through a smashed window and made away with $20,000 worth of clothes. Now, if Jeremy were a regular poor like you and I, this would be a huge loss. But, luckily, this is the guy who used to charge $15,000 for a Cameo Zoom call. Ipso facto, he’s rich. And $20k worth of rich-person-clothes is likely just a distressed pair of jeans and a Johnny Depp-style fedora.

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Jodie Turner-Smith’s Jewelry, Including Her Mother’s Wedding Ring, Was Stolen From Her Cannes Hotel Room

July 13, 2021 / Posted by:

Variety says that on Friday, Jodie Turner-Smith’s hotel room in Cannes was robbed. She was staying at the Marriott on the Croisette (the fancy main drag), and, luckily, she was out for breakfast when the theft occurred. The robbers broke into Jodie’s room and stole jewels worth several tens of thousands of euros. They also swiped her mother’s wedding ring, which obviously had a ton of sentimental value. Goddammit, jewel thieves, have you no respect for family?!

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