Category: It’s a Crime
Open Post: Hosted By The New Raspberry Rally Girl Scout Cookies Selling Out And Ending Up On eBay
6 months ago, the Girl Scouts dropped a brand new cookie flavor: Raspberry Rally! It’s considered a “sister cookie” to the famous Thin Mints, aka the most delicious fucking cookie to ever grace our fair planet. Except Raspberry Rallies were even more special because they would only be sold online. The Girls Scouts explained that this was so young girls could “learn new skills and build their ecommerce business”. Perfect for the anxious young woman scared of knocking on strangers’ doors! Raspberry Rallies quickly sold out. A success! Or was it? Cuz according to People, bundles of boxes soon began appearing on eBay, where they’re being re-sold for hundreds of dollars. That’s right; people are trying to profit off the Scouts! Time for these girls to earn their “let’s break some legs” badge.
The Protester Who Threw Eggs At King Charles Isn’t Allowed To Carry Eggs In Public Unless He’s Coming From The Grocery Store
Two days ago, King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla were greeting crowds on a visit to York, when, suddenly, *whoosh* *whoosh* *whoosh* Three eggs were hurled in their direction, and splatted on the ground nearby. The culprit, 23-year-old student/eco-activist Patrick Thelwell managed to yell out,“This country was built on the blood of slaves!” and “Not my king!” before he was wrestled to the ground by bobbies and arrested. After spending 12 hours in a cell, Patrick was released on bail. He is facing a fine of £5,000 and up to six months behind bars.
Now Patrick is speaking about the incident to the media, including The Mirror and Dazed. He reveals that his “amusing” bail conditions include not being allowed within 500 meters of the King (easy) and not being allowed to carry eggs in public… unless he’s coming from the grocery store. Sorry, kids, Uncle Patty can’t run the annual Easter egg hunt this year; he’s banned from carrying eggs in public.
“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Contestant Shannel Accused Of Stealing $700 From An Audience Member’s Purse
Drag queen Shannel, best known for appearances on the first seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race and RPDR All Stars, caught shit over a comedic bit where she “steals” tips from the audience. Audience member Megan Gerber has accused the queen of taking $700 out of her purse during a drag brunch performance in Vegas. Megan uploaded footage of the alleged theft to TikTok and so far it has 5 million views. The video shows Shannel rifling through Megan’s purse, fishing out some cash, and returning the purse to her table. Wow! Right in front of cameras and a packed house! To quote Drag Race UK’s Tayce, “The cheek, the nerve, the gall, the audacity, and the gumption” (IF SHANNEL IS GUILTY).
Current “Jeopardy!” Champion Amy Schneider Was Robbed
Bummer news outta the Jeopardy! world. Don’t worry, Mike Richards is still fired. Nope, this is about current Jeopardy! champion, Amy Schneider. The 42-year-old engineering manager from Oakland, California has 24 consecutive wins under her belt, with $897,600 in total winnings. Unfortunately for Amy, something shitty happened to her this past Sunday. She was robbed! No, not on the show (Jeopardy! doesn’t air Sundays, silly!). She was literally robbed in real life.
Open Post: Hosted By New Hampshire’s Reindeer Burglar
New Hampshirites! Please be on the lookout for a suspect wanted in a break-and-enter at an elementary school in Barnstead. Suspect is a male reindeer with one antler; the other antler was left at the scene of the crime. Suspect broke in through a window at noon on Sunday (thank God the kids weren’t there) and escaped through a second window before he could be captured by cops and firefighters. The Barnstead Police Department alleges that one of their officers heard a voice in the distance yell, “On Dancer!”, but I’m gonna chalk that up to typical cop bullshit. Continue reading
Jeremy Piven’s House Was Robbed Of $20,000 Worth Of Clothes
Jeremy Piven has been the victim of a CRIME! TMZ is reporting that Bling Ring-esque thieves broke into Jeremy’s LA home when he was out of town. They came in through a smashed window and made away with $20,000 worth of clothes. Now, if Jeremy were a regular poor like you and I, this would be a huge loss. But, luckily, this is the guy who used to charge $15,000 for a Cameo Zoom call. Ipso facto, he’s rich. And $20k worth of rich-person-clothes is likely just a distressed pair of jeans and a Johnny Depp-style fedora.