Oprah Endorsed Dr. Oz’s Opponent For A Pennsylvania Senate Seat, John Fetterman, And Many Other Democrats In Close State Races
Oprah Winfrey decided it was high time to make an attempt at counterbalancing the scourge she unleashed on society by bestowing a talk show upon Dr. Mehmet Oz, who finally just took his poop diagrams and garcinia cambogia and fucked off of our screens in January after a long 13 seasons of quackery on The Dr. Oz Show. Unfortunately, that allowed him to pivot to politics, as he’s now running as a Donald Trump-backed Republican for a Pennsylvania senate seat–though whether or not he actually lives in Pennsylvania is questionable (just ask Snooki). With election day coming up in just a few days, Oprah endorsed expert Oz-troller and current Pennsylvania Lieutenant Governor, John Fetterman, in PA’s neck-and-neck race for a senate seat over Oz, a former surgeon who’s relentlessly criticized John’s ability to handle the duties of office after recently suffering a stroke. She also voiced her support for several other Democrats running in tight races in key states hoping to maintain their slender Senate majority.
John Fetterman Enlisted Snooki To Troll Dr. Oz Over His Questionable Pennsylvania Residency In Their Race For A Senate Seat
Most people (besides your 74-year-old aunt Linda) thought it was fantastic news when Dr. Mehmet Oz decided to end his problematic The Dr. Oz Show, where he instructed his loyal viewers on the best ways to shit their brains out, take supplements to lose 18 pounds in two weeks, and reverse the aging process of their genitals. At that point it didn’t really matter that the reason for the cancellation was because he was a senate hopeful. Because this fool wouldn’t make it very far, right? Wrong–with Donald Trump’s endorsement and his opponent’s concession, Dr. Oz has emerged as Pennsylvania’s Republican candidate for senate–which is even more mystifying because Oz has spent most of his life as a resident of Nicole “Snooki” LaValle’s New Jersey. Pennsylvania’s Democratic candidate for senate and actual Pennsylvania resident/current lieutenant governor/hoodie enthusiast, John Fetterman, has been taking it easy recovering from a stroke that he suffered in May, but has continued to use his time and energy trolling Dr. Oz’s carpetbagging shitshow. Yesterday, John delivered his pièce de résistance–enlisting Snooki to highlight Dr. Oz’s duplicitous ways.
Yesterday the U.S. Senate unanimously passed the Sunshine Protection Act, a measure that would make Daylight Saving Time permanent across the United States. So no more falling back or springing forward! The clocks will remain the same, the sun shines later than 5:00 PM, seasonal affective disorder is cured, all early evening crime will cease, and the little children will dance on the streets! Oh my god… do I… love the U.S. government? Continue reading
At this point, we’re all tired of politicians and their toothy grins making promises they never keep, and that’s on both sides. But we’re not the only ones fed up by this. Cardi B feels the same way, and for years she has been using her voice to state her opinions. Recently she’s gone silent on many issues for reasons that have nothing to do with unleashing another one of Offset’s offspring into the world. And the people miss her rantings. Now, she has a vote of confidence from one of the GOP’s favorite sons, Republican political strategist Paris Dennard, who wants Cardi to keep speaking out regardless of the inevitable backlash she’ll face.
Back in April, Caitlyn Jenner dropped some news that instantly lowered the temperature of Hell a few degrees: she would be running for Governor of California as a Republican, in an attempt to de-seat current incumbent, Governor Gavin Newsom. Caitlyn is running on a platform of “Gavin Newsom BAD” and “Ew, un-wealthy people!“. And despite the fact that pretty much all her family members are avoiding her calls when it comes to this campaign, she’s still chugging along, full speed ahead. But just because none of her kids or step-kids will be joining her on the campaign trail doesn’t mean they won’t get to see what it was like. According to a campaign spokesperson, Caitlyn has hired a camera crew to follow her around and document Cait’s gubernatorial dreams.
Caitlyn Jenner has been many things: gold medal-winning Olympic athlete, Wheaties spokesperson, reality TV cast member, and deadbeat parent. And up next for the woman who has never held any kind of political office or engaged in civic life might be a run for Governor of California. I guess if there’s a silver lining here, it’s that she’s thinking of running and not driving.