Grandmaster Chess Champion Magnus Carlsen Abruptly Quit A Game Against Rival Hans Niemann, Who Has Been Accused Of Cheating Using Anal Beads

Enough Adam Levine cheating scandal. Let’s get back to September’s really juicy cheating scandal: Chessgate 2022: Anal Beads?! Earlier this month, 31-year-old Norwegian grandmaster Magnus Carlsen lost to 19-year-old grandmaster Hans Niemann during the Sinquefield Cup. After the loss, Magnus dropped out of the tournament and took to Twitter to imply that something fishy was going on. Soon, chess-obsessed social media users accused Hans of cheating. They theorized he was wearing wireless anal beads connected to a computer program that would buzz him (in Morse code, I guess?) the correct moves. They had no proof, but these rumors plus Hans getting caught cheating when he was 12 and 16 got him banned from Chess.com and uninvited from its Global Championship in Toronto. Hans did an interview to defend himself and invited his haters to strip him “fully naked” before games. Cut to earlier this week, when the Matt Damon/Jesse Plemons-lookin’ one (Magnus) dramatically quit an online game with the Jack Harlow-type (Hans) after just two moves! I, for one, love quitting after two moves, cuz chess is boring, and I suck at it. But for these genius grandmasters, forfeiting early is a huge “Fuck you and your anal beads!”

Gizmodo reports that, a few days ago, Hans and Magnus faced off again in a preliminary game for the Julius Baer Generation Cup. It was streamed online through Chess24. Suddenly, after the second move, Magnus logged off, which threw everyone into a tizzy:

Another shocker as @MagnusCarlsen simply resigns on move 2 vs. @HansMokeNiemann! https://t.co/2fpx8lplTI#ChessChamps #JuliusBaerGenerationCup pic.twitter.com/5PO7kdZFOZ

— chess24.com (@chess24com) September 19, 2022

On Wednesday, Magnus broke his silence and did an interview with Chess24. Magnus, King of Passive Aggression, declined to speak specifically about the cheating allegations, but said this, via Gizmodo:

…People can draw their own conclusion and they certainly have. I have to say I’m very impressed by Niemann’s play, and I think his mentor GM Maxim Dlugy must be doing a great job.

This may seem like a nothing-statement to idiot plebs like you and I, but, actually, Hans’ former trainer Maxim was banned from Chess.com in 2017 for cheating. So Magnus is basically saying that Hans is a cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater like Maxim. Here’s the interview. Magnus gets bitchy around the 1:25 mark:

Unfortunately for Magnus, there’s still no actual evidence that Hans has cheated recently. Some chess masters have mentioned that he performs “strange moves,” but that doesn’t prove anything. And chess officials are still investigating these rumors:

Chess.com’s CEO Erik Allebest reportedly declined to offer a statement, according to their own news bulletin. FIDE Director General Emil Sutofsky told the Julius Baer cup stream Wednesday that their organization plans to connect with Chess.com and put out some sort of statement, saying it’s something they have to “review closely.”

Listen, I don’t know shit about chess, but my gut tells me that Hans is a cheater (I’m a Pisces, the most psychic sign). But, guilty or not, how does young Hans prove his innocence? Stripchat has an idea! Last week, the adult webcam site offered Hans $1 million to play chess in the nude to prove he doesn’t cheat. The vice-president sent this letter to Hans, via Vice:

Congratulations on your victory against world No. 1 Magnus Carlsen,” the letter reads. “It’s a shame you’re being ridiculed by the chess community for potentially cheating. Claims that you used wireless vibrating anal beads to gain an upper hand are ridiculous. I know you even offered to strip completely naked to prove to people you didn’t cheat.

Well….being that Stripchat is an adult entertainment webcam platform that receives 400 million views on average each month, I wanted to extend you an offer to do just that,” the letter continues. “Prove the haters wrong once and for all. Strip naked and play a game of chess live on Stripchat in return for up to $1 million.

This is clearly a stunt for free advertising. In the past, Stripchat offered free private cam shows to people who got the COVID booster (“B0ner Booster”), offered Zoom-masturbator Jeffrey Toobin a job, and promised to donate a dollar for every man who promised to keep masturbating during “No Nut November.” But, stunt or not, it doesn’t even make sense. So what if Hans is naked during his game? If he was wearing anal beads, couldn’t he just stick them all the way up his butt to hide them? Or do all anal beads have a sort of hanging string that sticks out of the body, like a tampon? Pardon my ignorance…

Pics: YouTube