Chess Grandmaster Hans Niemann Sues Magnus Carlsen For $100 Million

And now for Chapter III of the cheating scandal rocking the chess world — nay, the entire world. Yep, this subculture has officially been promoted to the main culture, and it’s all thanks to anal beads. First, a quick recap: in early September, 19-year-old grandmaster Hans Niemann beat 31-year-old Norwegian grandmaster Magnus Carlsen during a tournament match. After the loss, Magnus quit the tournament and took to Twitter to insinuate Hans had cheated. Chess fans on social media speculated that Hans may have cheated using anal beads that vibrated him the correct moves (using wireless A.I. tech). Hans denied everything, but Chess.com uninvited him from a tournament and banned him from their site. A couple of weeks later, Hans and Magnus faced off in an online streaming match, but Magnus logged off after just one move. Then, he did an interview where he repeated his implication that Hans was a cheater. Last Thursday, this nerdy Jack Harlow-type decided enough was enough. NPR reports that Hans filed a $100 million defamation lawsuit against Magnus. Wow, you could buy a whole lot of vibrating anal beads with $100 million!

Magnus isn’t the only person Hans is suing. He’s also going after Magnus’ company, Chess.com, Daniel Rensch (Chess.com’s Chief Chess Officer), and grandmaster Hikaru Nakamura. Hans posted the lawsuit to Twitter, and it says that he’s suing to “recover from the devastating damages” the defendants have inflicted on “his reputation, career, and life.” He accuses the defendants of “colluding to blacklist” him from the chess world. The suit says that after Hans “soundly defeated” Magnus in the Sinquefield Cup in September, Magnus “snapped.” Hans believes this was because Magnus wanted to preserve his status as “The King of Chess” so he could complete his company’s multi-million dollar buyout with Chess.com:

Enraged that the young Niemann, fully 12 years his junior, dared to disrespect the “King of Chess,” and fearful that the young prodigy would further blemish his multi-million dollar brand by beating him again, Carlsen viciously and maliciously retaliated against Niemann by falsely accusing Niemann, without any evidence, of somehow cheating during their in-person game and demanding that the organizers of the Sinquefield Cup immediately disqualify Niemann fro the tournament.

The suit alleges that, after tournament officials refused to kick Hans out of the tournament, Magnus quit out of protest. Then he “confirmed his defamatory accusations” against Hans with “a provocative post on Twitter,” which kicked off all these cheating allegations. In their match a few weeks later, Magnus “gutlessly forfeited” and followed up with more insinuations and accusations. The suit claims that Magnus worked with Chess.com, Danny Rensch, and streamer Hikaru Nakamura to amplify the cheating allegations and make defamatory statements against Hans. For example, during an interview in September, Hans claimed he’d only cheated on Chess.com twice, once when he was 12, and another when he was 16. In early October, Chess.com issued a report rejecting Hans’ claims, stating, via NPR:

“Hans has likely cheated in more than 100 online chess games, including several prize money events. He was already 17 when he likely cheated in some of these matches and games. He was also streaming in 25 of these games.”

Hans wants a federal court in Missouri to award him $100 million in damages in a jury trial. Here’s Hans’ post on Twitter:

My lawsuit speaks for itself https://t.co/rOfUxiNYCH

— Hans Niemann (@HansMokeNiemann) October 20, 2022

After getting sued, Chess.com posted a statement from their attorneys. They say the allegations are bogus, and they’re “looking forward to setting the record straight on behalf of its team and all honest chess players.” Magnus’ lawyer said that Hans is an admitted cheater and his claims are without merit. They call his suit “nothing more than an attempt to deflect blame on others.”

Whew! That’s a lot of legal mumbo jumbo! Let’s wipe our brains clean and enjoy this video of Hans getting his butt scanned at the US Chess Championship a couple of weeks ago:

This negative scan proves nothing. If Hans really wanted to prove his innocence, he’d drop trou, bend over, and submit to a deep cavity search. And when I say deep, I mean DEEP. Like, a vet sticking his entire arm into a cow’s ass-level of deep. No stone left unturned!

Pic: YouTube