Demure Grace And Elegance Brought To You By Samantha Hoopes

What better way is there to end this day of celebration than with a human crystal flute full of sparkling natural beauty and exquisite sophistication?

The name “Samantha Hoopes” (pronounced: WHO?!) probably means as much to you as birth control means to bareback queen Bristol Palin. But believe it or not, Samantha Hoopes is not Duchess Kate’s personal stylist who keeps Prince William’s wife slathered in ladylike refinement. Samantha Hoopes is a Sports Illustrated/Carl’s Jr. model who was a shiny jewel of glamour in a sea of meh (see: Amber Heard) at yesterday’s Magic Mike XXL premiere in Hollywood.

Samantha wore a beautifully made gown from the House of Ho Shit that made her totally organic chest globes look like giant billiard balls straight from heaven’s pool table. I’m going to choose to believe that Samantha’s shoes are gold Lucite platform heels, because she’s obviously the kind of style icon who knows that no elegant ensemble is complete until you’ve slipped into a pair of Shauna Sand originals. If Samantha wore that look to the Met Gala, the floor of that museum would’ve been covered in silicone and weaves, because Beyonce and Kim Kardashian would’ve melted after seeing a golden goddess do it a billion times better than them. That dress is very AVN Awards trophy girl and nothing is more classic than that.

I also heard that as soon as the pro-life protesters saw Samantha on the black carpet, they dropped their signs and vowed to devote all their time to worshiping her.

And if you’re not immediately blinded by the sight of grace personified, here’s more pictures from the Magic Mike XXL premiere including some of Matt Boner and Adam Rodriguez who both wore clothes for some weird, unnatural reason.

Pics: Wenn.com

Matt Boner Is Checking Into American Horror Story: Hotel With Lady CaCa

“As an artist who respects creative integrity and intellectual property, I am disgusted at how much you have copied my husband from the hair to the suit. Do you not have any value or respect for originality? You’re a laughing stock. It’s cheesy. It’s disgusting.” – Natalia Kills while looking at that picture of Matt Boner in a black suit

During the panel for American Horror Story: Freak Show at PaleyFest last night, Jessica Lange confirmed what everyone has pretty much known for months. Just like she did with Lea Whatever, she’s walking straight past AHS: Hotel and moving on to something else. She probably knows that if she signs up for AHS: Hotel, she’ll sprain her eye rolling muscle from constantly rolling her eyeballs at Lady CaCa chewing the scenery more than her.

“Yes, I’m done. We’ve had a great run here. I mean, I absolutely love doing these four characters, and in all the madness, I love the writers and Ryan (Murphy) and the insanity of shooting it.”

When someone in the audience asked Jessica Lange if Lady CaCa joining the cast makes her want to come back for another season, she responded with what I’m taking as beautiful, beautiful shade. She said, “What does that mean?”

AHS’ executive producer Tim Minear said that Matt Bomer, who played a hot gay hustler in AHS: Freak Show, is going to be the male lead in Hotel. Cheyenne Jackson has also signed on. Denis O’Hare and Kathy Bates may be back.

Finding out that Lady CaCa is pretty much replacing Jessica Lange in AHS made me scream in terror like I was trapped in a knotty pine cabin. But I will forgive Ryan Murphy for this is AHS: Hotel is about two gay nymphomaniacs (Boner and Cheyenne) who own a failing bed and breakfast that’s failing because they just fuck all day and never come downstairs to check in guests. The “horror” part comes in when they run out of lube. Lady CaCa can play a mute maid.

Pics: Wenn.com

Meanwhile, At The Independent Spirit Awards, Jared Leto Belatedly Thanked Richard Simmons

When last year’s award season sweetheart (after the Texas T-Rex, of course) Jared Leto won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actor for The Dallas Buyers Club, he spent a million minutes thanking every single person who ever lived from Steve Jobs to Mozart to Kurt Cobain to the billion people on Earth to James Gandolfini’s kids to the makers of vegan butter to the inventor of the zipper to his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o, etc.. etc… Bitch wasn’t done. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA, Jared Leto handed out the award for Best Supporting Actor and before J.K. Simmons’ name slipped out of his delicate lips, he mouth queefed out more people and animals he forgot to thank. And he did it whilewearing a blazer I swear Linda Dano wore on Another World at least once. As your ass can tell from the video from The Hollywood Reporter above, Jared thanked the frog he viciously murdered and Richard Simmons. Take out the frog-killing shit and switch out Poquito Mas for Del Taco and this would pretty much read like my acceptance speech if I won anything.

“That frog that I accidentally squeezed to death in second grade, thank you for teaching me how short life truly can be. Richard Simmons, my flexibility, endurance and uncanny fashion sense. All of my homies at Poquito Mas on Ventura Boulevard. And last but not least my grandmother for beating me senseless with a fly swatter, teaching me that you can’t get away with everything that you think you can. Respect your elders unless you want a can of whoop-ass.”

And a little later on last night, a wet piece of shit fell on Jared Leto’s head and he probably thought Linda Dano threw it at him for wearing her favorite blazer. But nope, it was the frog he murdered shitting on him from heaven for using its tragic death for laughs. This little speech might’ve made you roll your eyes out of their sockets, but I do appreciate him paying homage to the bedazzled dandelion Richard Simmons and NOT THE ONE abuelitas. However, I still can’t believe Jared hasn’t thanked the one person he needs to thank: Rickie Vasquez. Every speech where Jared Leto doesn’t thank Rickie Vasquez is a speech nobody needs to hear.

To see all the winners from yesterday, click here. Below are approximately ten thousand pictures of everyone who was at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday. You might want to put on some industrial-strength goggles before getting to Oprah’s picture, because her mighty chichis will punch your eyeballs if you don’t protect them.

Pics: Wenn.com

Happy Hump Day: The Magic Mike XXL Trailer Is Here

If Channing Tatum working in a metal shop ala Flashdance and Kevin Nash’ awkward stomping and luscious mane makes your loins gush like a vanilla pudding Snack Pack that’s been squeezed too tight, then cover your screen with Saran Wrap and lay down the tarp, because the first trailer for Magic Mike XXL is out. The Texas T-Rex is out (because his Oscar tells him that he’s way too fancy for this shit) and so is that annoying Cody Horn person who is the worst case of nepotism in a while. Amber Heard and Michael Straham’s gap are in. You don’t care, but here’s the synopsis anyway:

Picking up the story three years after Mike bowed out of the stripper life at the top of his game, “Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa likewise ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.

You know what bothers me about that synopsis? The fact that there is a synopsis. We don’t want a plot! We just need 3D close-ups of bulges and Matt Boner’s ass bouncing up and down like a tiny bulldog in a pick-up truck as he humps the floor while “Pony” plays. This is the synopsis for Magic Mike XXL I want to read:

BULGE BULGE BUGLE DICK THRUSTING BULGE PECS DICK BULGE BULGE BULGE SWAYING DICK BULGE BULGE BOUNCING ASSES DICK BULGE BULGE TWERKING PECS BULGE BULGE AIR FUCKING BARE ASS BULGE BULGE DICK BULGE

And this is how product placement is done:

Although, it really should’ve been leche instead. They missed out on a good opportunity to make the best Got Milk? ad ever.

Oh To Be A Golden Globe……

The living and breathing Alan Sherwood doll known as Matt Boner won the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Ass Cheeks for The Normal Heart, and in the press room he made some of us wish that we had the power to shape-shift into a trophy by making sweet, beautiful, intimate mouth love with his Golden Globe award. That Golden Nutsack award later defied all laws of EVERYTHING by learning how to produce sperm so that it could jizz itself over getting kissed by Matt Boner.

And later that night at the HBO after-party, The Normal Heart’s director Ryan Murphy went in and touched his lips against the Boner.

Yes, I’ve already canceled my plans for tonight (and by “plans” I mean watch Celebrity Apprentice and try not to punch the screen every time Donald Trump’s face comes on) so that I can spend some time Photoshopping my puckered up lips over Ryan Murphy’s face. It’ll be my Christmas card this year. And I’ll let you decide which puckered up lips I’m talking about.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

The Texas T-Rex Gives A Lesson About The Quality Of TV Today To A Room Full Of TV People

The Critics’ Choice Television Awards happened last night and they did what the Emmys almost never does: they gave awards to people who actually deserve an award. Crazy Eyes from Orange is the New Black tied with Allison Janney from Mom for Best Supporting Actress In A Comedy, Tatiana Maslany from Orphan Black won Best Actress In A Drama, Julia Louis-Dreyfus from Veep won Best Actress In A Comedy and Matthew McConaughey won Best Actor In A Drama for mumbling his way through True Detective. The Texas T-Rex is known for dribbling out speeches that require at least 40 bong hits to fully digest. To watch one of the Texas T-Rex’s acceptance speeches is to know what it’s like to smoke peyote with him while shirtless in a tepee. He didn’t disappoint last night.

The Texas T-Rex’s speech started out normal. He thanked who he needed to thank and blah blah blah. Then at around the 1:55 mark he says that people always ask him why he, a movie star, would do TV. Bitch won an Oscar and now he suddenly forgets he was in Unsolved Mysteries. The Texas T-Rex then babbled out a lecture about how TV is raising the bar and how TV gives you juicy character development and how TV gives you weekly episodes (THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!) and gives you that Monday morning watercooler talk. The Texas T-Rex smoked so much of the good shit in the men’s bathroom that he forgot he was at the Critics’ Choice TV Awards and thought he was at a TED Talk.

The Texas T-Rex’s lecture/pep talk reminds me of when I worked in the accounts department of some referral service. We were basically the bottom bitches of the company. We would put together paperwork for new accounts and check references. There wasn’t much to it. Every now and again, some supervisor from one of the other departments would smugly sashay into our little cubicle alley and give us a pep talk. They’d list off all of our duties like we didn’t know and tell us how invaluable we were to the company and how we were the glue that held the company together. Every single one of us sat there thinking to ourselves, “Either tell me you’re going to give me a bonus or shut the fuck up and get the hell out of here so I can go back to playing Minesweeper. ” (The year was 1999. Don’t judge my game choices.)

That’s kind of what The Texas T-Rex’s speech reminded me of. I wish the camera would’ve cut to more people in the audience, because I would’ve died, come back to life and died again to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus make a “Bitch, WE KNOW, now hurry it up, so I can go home and take off my Spanx” face.

Here’s pictures of some of the winners and for a full of list of all the hos who won, click here.

Pics: Wenn.com