Panty Creamer Of The Day: Matt Boner In A Tux At The Tonys

If you have to suffer through the nastiest and grossest day of the week MONDAY, you might as well do it while staring pictures of the come-to-life Superman action figure Matt Bomer making b-holes howl and pussies slobber while working a tux at the Tonys last night. The real-life Steven Wakefield graduated from Carnegie Mellon and he was at the Tonys to present Carnegie Mellon with something and I didn’t really pay attention, because I was too busy asking myself, “For why is Matt Boner wearing so many clothes? Couldn’t he have paid tribute to Hair instead?!”

Either Matt Boner’s makeup artist forgot to powder his beauty or in NYC it’s more humid than Tyler Perry’s bussy when he flips through the Spirit of Black Men calendar on his office wall. Because Matt Boner is looked lubed-up in the face. I bet the most overheard line at the Tonys last night was, “Matt, you’re looking a little greasy, do you want me to lick that up for you?”

Here’s more of Matt Boner in a tux and pictures of other hos at the Tonys including Fran Drescher giving you Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie’s mom, Maggie Gyllenhaal looking like a disemboweled down comforter and Thalia wearing a shitting prom dress from the late 80s.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And Somewhere, A Make-Up Artist Was Just Hit With A Lightning Bolt Thrown By God

HD powder claims another victim!

Celebwhores: Zero.

HD powder: Too many to count!

Just like Nicole Kidman, Uma Thurman and Sabrina the Teenage Witch before her ass, a make-up artist proved that they are an unholy Satanist by fucking with St. Angie Jolie’s face and slapping her down with that powder that makes you look Scarface when a flash hits you. St. Angie was Brad Pitt’s date to The Normal Heart premiere in NYC last night and she looked like a malnourished baby alligator that a chef at a creole restaurant just dipped in flour and was about to toss in a fryer pan. Who ever did that to St. Angie has probably been struck by lighting and is a pile of dust right now, but I want to use a Ouija board to contact their ghost and tell them that I love them for making her look like an over-used coke straw with veins. She looks like Rob Ford just farted in her face.

But seriously, I’m sure that’s not powder. It’s queef dust from the angels. She is St. Angie after all.

Here’s more pictures from last night’s The Normal Heart premiere including pictures of basic ho, basic ho, MATT BONER!!!, basic ho, basic ho and JUDITH LIGHT!!!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Too Many Clothes Were Worn At Last Night’s Magic Mike Premiere

Joe ManJello spends at least 19 hours of his day lifting heavy things and trying to lick his peen tip while doing crunches, so he owes it to himself and everyone else to show off all that hard work by never wearing clothes in public again. Which is why I CAN’T with him for wearing a guido’s funeral suit to the premiere of the movie where his nipples are out for most of it. Who the hell wears clothes to the premiere of a movie about man strippers? Seeing all these dudes in suits has confirmed to me that I don’t want to see all these dudes in suits. As Reese Witherspoon said to Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway, “Take all them panties off, mister!” That goes for Matthew McConaughey, Adam Rodriguez, Alex Pettyfer, Channing Tatum and Matt Boner. Okay, maybe not Channing Tatum. He can stand in the corner while holding all of the other dudes’ clothes. Somebody has to.

I’ve already made plans to see this Magic Mike mess on Saturday and that gives Jesus plenty of time to show himself by converting this shit to IMAX 3D. Actually, scratch that. If you’re going to ask Jesus for something, you should really ask Jesus for something. Please make the screen at my showing burst into flames and make Alex Petmyfur, Adam Rodriguez, Matt Boner and Joe ManJello save the day by strolling in and letting the operator show the movie on their bare ass cheeks. Make me a believer!

Panty Creamer Of The Day: The Magic Mike Poster

If a movie poster doesn’t look like it should be printed on 3×4 glossy card stock and passed out by a twink in a sleeveless shirt in front of Micky’s on Santa Monica Blvd., we don’t need it! The Magic Mike hos obviously get that, because here’s the A for effort, low-budget poster for that cinematic bulge party camouflaged as a movie (I’m hoping). This is some Village People night at your mom’s favorite club shit. This movie better not let me or my Saran-wrapped parts (I care about the cleanliness of movie theater seats) down. It better be like an episode of Dancing Bear. (Google that at lunch on your iPhone when you’re in the comfort of the last stall in your office bathroom).

And here’s some pictures of Joe ManJello flexing his He-Man doll body in Men’s Health UK. The things your Photoshop is going to do to that picture of him with the tire. Adobe should just go ahead and add a “replace tire with muscle bottom” tool in Photoshop.

Matt Boner Has Slipped Out Of The Glass Closet

Matt Bomer, who has the exact genetic makeup of a brown haired Ken Doll, hasn’t exactly been playing a game of spin the dildo with John Travolta behind a stack of business cards for Renee Zellweger’s Beards ‘R Us in the deepest part of the closet. Matt Boner fans have known about his partner Simon Halls and their three chirruns since the beginning of White Collar time, but he hasn’t exactly been running through the streets in a rainbow thong while waving a peen flag. In past interviews, Matt would just wave away the personal questions and derail the interview’s train of thought with the twinkles that jump off of his white teeth and the shiny rays that shoot off of his extra-soft puppy fur hair. But at the Steve Chase Humanitarian Awards, Matt thanked his family while accepting the New Generation Arts and Activism Award. Towleroad transcribed Matt’s words so my lazy ass doesn’t have to:

“And I’d really especially like to thank my beautiful family: Simon, Kit, Walker, Henry. Thank you for teaching me what unconditional love is. You will always be my proudest accomplishment.”

Some of you sluts might be confused by Matt’s words and are trying to figure out exactly what he’s trying to say. Let me translate it for you into a language we all understand. Matt basically said that HE LOVES PEEEEEEN and he loves his kids too. Yes, so we should celebrate the only way we know how: by fapping to these pictures of Matt Boner’s nipples TOGETHER! Don’t worry, I’ll keep my eyes on Matt Boner’s nipples and I won’t look down. We don’t know each other like that.

Magic Mike In The Morning

Steven Soderbergh’s Magic Mike isn’t coming out in theaters equipped with plastic-wrapped seats and popcorn butter that can double as lube until June, but they’re already pushing out stills to keep nipples hard and panty cream churning until the summer.

Entertainment Weekly put out those pictures of Channing Tatum (that’s Carol O’Neal to you and me), Alex Pettyfer, Adam Rodriguez and Matt Boner flexing their cum gutters as male strippers. One thing I’ve learned from these pictures is that I ain’t shit, because I should’ve went to nipple waxing school and gotten a job as the head man hair puller on this movie. These dudes are as hairless as a baby worm’s pussy. Living The Life is dipping Adam Rodriguez in a tub of NADS and wrapping him in a cocoon of wax strips before pulling that shit off fast. Then I’d carefully pluck each hair off the strips, wash them all off and knit them into a g-string onesie for me to wear around the house. That’s not creepy. It’s called BEING GREEN! Damn me to hell for not coming up with this sooner.

And I know we’ve only seen like two or three pictures from this no-no puckering mess, but it sort of does look like the dude version of Showgirls. Showguys! Steven Sodbergh better not disappoint and he better include a scene where Matt pushes Alex down the stairs and Channing rides Matthew McConaughey’s dick in a pool while flopping around like a Beverly Hills mermaid having a seizure.