Category: Lauren Sanchez
Jeff Bezos And Lauren Sanchez Might Quickly Marry Since They’re Both Officially Divorced Now
Amazon founder and god of money Jeff Bezos and his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez are reportedly thinking of getting married right away since both of their divorces are now finalized. Lauren better be doing everything short of claiming she’s dying and it would mean so much to her to get that ring on her finger and make it official. Look at how his last wife made out!
Lauren Sanchez Filed For Divorce The Day After Jeff Bezos’ Divorce Was Finalized
Alleged Amazon mistress Lauren Sanchez isn’t one to lay down on the job (*rimshot*). And that’s not slut-shaming, that’s goddamn admiration! TMZ reports that Lauren Sanchez filed for divorce from her husband of 13 years, Hollywood mega-agent Patrick Whitesell, just one day after the divorce of her boyfriend, Amazon kajillionaire Jeff Bezos and Mackenzie Bezos was finalized. Well, everyone involved didn’t get where they are in life by dawdling now, did they?
Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos Finalized Their Divorce
While it takes some rich people (I’m looking at you, Brad and Angelina) eons to get divorced, Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos and his wife of over 25 years MacKenzie Bezos wasted no time. It took them just under three months and a few rumored peen pics to finalize what, at $137 BILLION, may be the most expensive divorce in U.S. history. Don’t worry, money doesn’t change people. They still have “great respect” and all that other dumb shit celebrities say about each other after breaking up.
Jeff Bezos’ Investigator Thinks The Saudi Arabian Government Is Behind His Dick Pics
The Case of The Dirty Sanchez, just got a little bit shittier. According to CNN, the Saudi Arabian government may have been among the first people to see Jeff Bezos’ dick pic. Gavin de Becker, Jeff’s private dick, has “concluded with high confidence that the Saudis had access to Bezos’ phone, and gained private information” before Michael Sanchez, Jeff’s lover’s gay brother (rolls right off the tongue, dunnit?), allegedly sold said information to The National Enquirer and its parent company, AMI (American Media Company). Somebody needs to bust out the Wet Wipes because this Dirty Sanchez is hella messy.
Lauren Sanchez And Jeff Bezos May No Longer Be Together
The Wall Street Journal claimed this week that Lauren Sanchez’s Trump-loving gay brother, Michael Sanchez, sold her out to The National Enquirer for $200,000 by giving them sexts between her and Jeff Bezos. The WSJ also said that Michael gave the Enquirer dick pics that Jeff texted Lauren. Michael denied that he gave Jeff’s dick pics to the Enquirer. But now he’s telling Page Six that he did help the Enquirer with their exposé on Jeff and Lauren allegedly cheating on their spouses by bumping home wrecking fuck parts. Michael claims he made a deal with the Enquirer to help his sister. No word if “sister” is his nickname for his checking account, but one source claims that his acts of greedy buffoonery may have fucked up his sister’s chances at becoming a billionaire’s second wife!
Jeff Bezos’ Dick Pics Cost The National Enquirer $200,000
That’s a low ass sum since the gold nut nuggets that Jeff Bezos’ jizzes out are worth twice as much as that.
We already know that Lauren Sanchez’s Trump-loving brother Michael Sanchez is probably the one who sold his sister’s cringeworthy sexts (although, aren’t all sexts cringeworthy?) with Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos to The National Enquirer. But now the Wall Street Journal says that Michael Sanchez did Lauren dirty (just call him Dirty Sanchez) for the price of $200,000. Sure, $200,000 is $200,000, but I’m wondering if Michael Sanchez ever strolled over to the billionaire turtle and said, “So, future-brother-in-law, the Enquirer offered me 200k for those pics of your dick, but my finger could find its way to the delete button if you just so happen to cough a diamond into my palm. I mean that literally, I just watched you cough diamonds into your cashmere handkerchief.”