Jeff Bezos’ Dick Pics Cost The National Enquirer $200,000

March 19, 2019 / Posted by:

That’s a low ass sum since the gold nut nuggets that Jeff Bezos’ jizzes out are worth twice as much as that.

We already know that Lauren Sanchez’s Trump-loving brother Michael Sanchez is probably the one who sold his sister’s cringeworthy sexts (although, aren’t all sexts cringeworthy?) with Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos to The National Enquirer. But now the Wall Street Journal says that Michael Sanchez did Lauren dirty (just call him Dirty Sanchez) for the price of $200,000. Sure, $200,000 is $200,000, but I’m wondering if Michael Sanchez ever strolled over to the billionaire turtle and said, “So, future-brother-in-law, the Enquirer offered me 200k for those pics of your dick, but my finger could find its way to the delete button if you just so happen to cough a diamond into my palm. I mean that literally, I just watched you cough diamonds into your cashmere handkerchief.”

Jeff Bezos claimed in a post on Medium last month that American Media, Inc., the Enquirer’s parent company, tried to blackmail him with his own dick pics by threatening to expose his affair (which he denies was an affair) with Lauren Sanchez unless he issued a statement saying that AMI was not engaging in anything politically shady (AMI is known for protecting Trump) and instructed The Washington Post, which he owns, to cool it on the coverage of the assassination of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi. AMI didn’t want the Post’s coverage of the murder messing up their deals with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Jeff farted on their threats, and so a quick second after he announced his divorce from MacKenzie Bezos, the Enquirer ran an 11-page story on him and Lauren. They published sappy text messages between Jeff and Lauren, but kept his dick pics to themselves. via HuffPo

Michael Sánchez, a talent agent and Lauren Sánchez’s brother, was a longtime source for the Enquirer, the Journal reported Monday. He’d started talking to the tabloid last fall about his sister’s relationship with Bezos, the paper said, citing unnamed sources.

The Enquirer had already been trailing and photographing Bezos and Sánchez at the time of those conversations. David Pecker, American Media Inc.’s CEO, reportedly approved the payment to Sánchez so the tabloid could acquire the sexually charged text messages that the couple had sent to each other.

AMI’s CEO David Pecker wasn’t totally into exposing Jeff’s sexts, because AMI isn’t doing well money-wise, and he was afraid Jeff would sue the dick out of them.

In a statement to WSJ, Michael has once again denied being the Enquirer’s source, claiming he’s never seen Jeff’s dick pics.

I never had access to the penis selfies which are the heart of criminal allegations against [AMI’s VP] Dylan Howard, a desperate man I sincerely believe attempted to brazenly blackmail Jeff Bezos.

There’s a rumor that Lauren was so excited about getting with the world’s richest man that she showed the texts and pics to friends, which is weird to me. Because if I was Lauren and the richest man in the world was so sprung on me that he was saying weird shit like, “I love you, alive girl,” in texts, I’d be too busy singing “I’m in the mooooonnnay” on a loop. And as for how Michael got those texts and dick pics, my guess is that Lauren either gave them to him or he stole them from her phone. That’s also weird to me. Because if I saw sexts between my sister and her man, it’d be difficult for me to negotiate with the Enquirer while blind and repeatedly heaving.


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