Over the weekend, a picture of what was believed to be Chris Evans‘ dick hit the internet when he posted a clip to his Instagram Stories and that clip included a shot of his camera roll, which included a picture of a penis. Chris deleted the clip immediately and he never confirmed whether the grainy, low-res penis in question was his. But he addressed the situation on Twitter, and he’s trying to turn that Big Dick Energy into High Voter Turnout.
Chris Evans trended at #1 on Twitter all day yesterday, because if the internet runs on dick pics, it overloads and combusts over a shadowy, dark-ass pic of a dick that may or may not belong to Chris Evans.
While playing a game of Heads Up––which has an entirely new meaning now––with his friends, Chris Evans whipped out his…cell phone and started filming his friends stumbling through an easy answer. And yesterday, he uploaded the clip to his Instagram Stories and went full “middle-aged dad not knowing how technology works” when he accidentally included a shot of his camera roll. And on that camera roll was a dark picture of a dick, which caused a flood that temporarily quenched the thirst of the chronically dehydrated on Twitter.
If Jeff Bezos’ life was a rainy day board game, it would probably be Monopoly, but the kind of Monopoly where one person plays dirty, buys all the properties and utilities, and starts bankrupting everyone else on the board. However, over the past year he’s been playing his own personal game of Clue, and the mystery he’s trying to solve is who stole his dick pics to his alleged mistress from where, and where they might end up. Well, we might know who stole his dick pics. At the very least, we know who is swearing up and down that they don’t have said pictures.
Here’s good old fashioned blind item for you that involves an A-lister’s erect penis in search of multiple sex partners. Page Six reports that somebody, whom they consider to be A-list, sent “an extremely graphic picture” to multiple opposite-sex couples online within the LA swingers community, without bothering to conceal his identity. Which fine, swing away, playa. However, it wasn’t the dick that caught people’s attention. It was the fact that this particular dick “has been hit with several #MeToo accusations.” Page Six says they’ve seen the picture but won’t reveal his identity because they are a bastion of integrity and restraint or some shit. Cock teases!
Other than Lenny Kravitz, there is no person who personifies the phrase “rock out with your cock out” better than Tommy Lee. And for good reason. He’s a rocker who’s totally obsessed with dicks, specifically his own. At this point, Tommy’s dick is essentially a 7.5 to 8.1 inch (per leakedmeat.com) extension of his personality. According to Page Six, yesterday Tommy #IgnightedInstagram with a picture of his fat pink hog trying to root for truffles in his wife Brittany Furlan’s mouth. We can thank the Gods of propriety for small blessing though as the image was mercifully pixelated. Tommy claimed it was the result of Instagram giving him his own dick filter.
The Case of The Dirty Sanchez, just got a little bit shittier. According to CNN, the Saudi Arabian government may have been among the first people to see Jeff Bezos’ dick pic. Gavin de Becker, Jeff’s private dick, has “concluded with high confidence that the Saudis had access to Bezos’ phone, and gained private information” before Michael Sanchez, Jeff’s lover’s gay brother (rolls right off the tongue, dunnit?), allegedly sold said information to The National Enquirer and its parent company, AMI (American Media Company). Somebody needs to bust out the Wet Wipes because this Dirty Sanchez is hella messy.