Open Post: Hosted By The Australian Ice Queen Showing Human Emotions With Her Husband

The face that the Australian Ice Queen is making is the exact face I make whenever I see that Keith Urban’s hair still looks like a dead Calico cat whose corpse has been flattened by a steamroller.

Keith Urban has a new album he’s gotta push, so he got his wife Nicole Kidman to do some carpool karaoke with him on Facebook. After Keith was done using the blow dryer to activate the Sun-In he sprayed onto his roadkill mop, he used it defrost Nicole Kidman and he dragged her into the car where they lip-synched to his duet with Carrie Underwood called The Fighter. This video showed me that either Nicole Kidman’s Antarctica of a heart has found a special place for Keith Urban in it or he’s got some scandalous shit on her, because those are the only reasons for why she’d agree to this mess. It is a little sweet, though. I mean, I’m sure Tom Cruise also sang a duet with her in the car, but he sang both parts and made her point a flashlight at him like it was a spotlight.

Here’s the video and yes, married people are weird, but married famous people are even weirder:

And I don’t exactly follow Keith Urban, but when did he decide to stop making country music and start making songs that sound like they belong in a Disney Channel musical?

There’s No Ball Without The Grand High Witch

A night of magic! A night of enchantment! Oh, the fantasy of fashion! Bringing to life stories of yore and shit. All manner of creatures made their way to the Meth Gala last night, so strong was the pull of photo ops and questionable clothing that it united the entire kingdom. There were the bridge trolls, in their traditional mud robes. A local sartorial celebrity, the old crone who lived in a shoe came to greet fans both young and old. And from far away Egypt came a mummy! How frightening! And the most fearsome and awe-inspiring of them all, the Grand High Witch.

We can only wonder who it was she cursed to prick their finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel. Hopefully Rita Ora. God, we all want her gone. Nicole Kidman graced the peasants with her icy glare and showed them what a real movie star looks like. And what a movie star looks like when she goes all out Stevie Nicks, witchy woman – I’m looking at you Madonna. Accompanying her was the dashing Prince Mall Highlights (aka Keith Urban). Because of her position as Grand High Witch, she must toe the line between good and evil, keeping the balance in check.  Let’s hope she graciously lent a magical touch to the ailing leper. If she can freeze time – and her face – surely she can cure diseases of the skin.

As the moon rose high and the party went on, she watched over the other creatures, thinking to herself, “Who the fuck are these people?“, the others none the wiser. For one cannot tell what goes on behind that never changing visage. Her time was not long amongst those lowly things and shortly after, she left to return to the night…

Pics: Splash

Shock And Surprise: A Singer Not Named “Adele” Made People Cry

Ole’ frosty locks hasn’t been that emotional since the store nearest his house was all out of Sun-In.

The original American Idol Kelly Clarkson went back to the show that made her a STAH last night and showed the final 10 how it’s done. While going through phase 3 of the CASE OF THE BABIES, Kelly brought the raw emotions while singing “Piece By Piece,” a song about her dead beat daddy and her husband who restored her faith in men. The emotions overtook her and she had to stop for a second as everyone in the audience and watching at home thought to themselves, “Wait, this isn’t an Adele song, so am I legally allowed to cry?” Keith Urban got so weepy that I thought the ironed-out Calico Cat on top of his head was going to come alive and lick his sad tears dry. JLo would’ve cried, but she’s not about to jack up that make-up job when a camera’s on her face.

After Kelly took us on a journey to Kleenexville and back, the emotionless garden gnome Ryan Seacrest got on stage to talk to her and she told him that the song meaning mixed with the nostalgia of Idol brought the feelings out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FHYBQxURQo

While watching that, I expected to see a puddle of liquid beneath her feet. No, not from her water breaking. But from her unborn baby crying out a million tears.

And on that note, here’s JLo working a sparkly crotch at the American Idol finalist party last night.

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Salma Hayek’s World-Saving Chichis

Not pictured: Volunteers from UNICEF who are standing by with jugs and waiting for Salma Hayek’s suffocating tits to explode so they can collect her miracle chichi leche and feed it to dozens of starving orphans.

Last night in London, Salma Hayek went to something called The Evening Standard Theatre Awards and I bet that the people who went to that event couldn’t even tell you who won awards or what happened. The only thing they remember is Salma Hayek’s squeezed honeydew titty sacks. Salma Hayek’s magnificent chichis will make a ho forget everything.

Thanks to that ugly clown collar, Salma’s tits look like two face-less babies in bonnets sleeping next to each other. They also look like overfilled water balloons lying on a table and the next time I’m at a family party and see overfilled water balloons lying on a table, I’ll have to resist the urge to motorboat them.

And here’s more pictures of Salma Hayek’s TITS as well as pictures of Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, Kate Beckinsale and Ralph Fine-ass looking like the most charming flasher ever.

Pics: Wenn.com

“Err, Nic, My Face Is Stuck To Your Frozen Face Again…”

I’m surprised there’s not a fat billow of steam rising up off of them. Isn’t that what happens when an extra hot human flat iron touches an ice cube?

Last night, something that happens every single night happened: awards were handed out to country stars. All of the oxygen on this planet will be sucked out into the universe and vengeance will come if a day goes by where a country music star doesn’t thank the lord for the trophy in their hand. So last night, the CMT Music Awards went down at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. Since they’re at every country music awards show, the frozen porcelain vase and the fresh-outta-the-kiln ceramic pot in a Suze Orman wig were at the CMT Music Awards last night.

Nicole Kidman looked stunning in matador pants, a rich old lady’s lunchin’ shoes, a face by DuPont and a fur-trimmed top that was a gaudy toddler dress in a past life. I don’t know if it’s the makeup or lighting or what (“It’s the ‘what.'” – you), but the Botox Baroness looks like she strolled into her plastic surgeon’s office and pondered between the Madame brand cheek cutlets and the Phoebe Price brand cheek cutlets before going with the latter. But on a more important note, I need to know which brand of SPF: Infinity And Beyond Nicole uses, because I burn easily and it’s amazing that she doesn’t get even a little bit tan while standing next to that humanized UV ray.

Here’s more pictures from the CMT Music Awards including a couple of Billy Ray Cyrus outdoing Keith Urban in the flat iron game.

Pics: Wenn.com

What In The Name Of Down Under Wedding Day Foreplay Is Going On Here?

The Ghost of Lady Cassandra Future Nicole Kidman and her gorgeous middle-aged soccer mom-looking husband Keith Urban went to the CMAs last night, and for some reason this happened. No, I don’t know the circumstances surrounding Nicole trying to mount Keith from the back like a horny fawn-colored greyhound, and quite frankly – I don’t want to know. Instead, let’s assume she’s not actually trying to hump on her husband, but hiding behind him from the ghost of the haunted antique doll she stole that dress off of. Haunted attic-dwelling dolls don’t like it when you jack their shit, Nicole!

I know she’s going for some Little House on the Prairie Rachel Brown getting married shit, but it ends up looking more like stand-offish Oscar-winning Hollywood actress wearing a $2,000 nightgown. It’s like when I put on a blazer; I think I’m all business bitch chic, but everyone around me is like “Bitch you look like Cathy, yes from the comic strip“. Same goes for Nicole; I mean, lord love her, she’s trying, and it could always be worse; at least she’s not wearing a busted straw cowboy hat, right?

Unfortunately, Nicole didn’t get the memo that nobody else was doing county curtain couture this year. It was all head-to-toe David’s Bridal: Longer! Shinier! More Satin-y! Where’s the rhinestone-studded belt buckle worn as a choker? Where’s all the bedazzled crotch cut-offs? Come on guys, I thought you were country! Here’s more of Nicole and everyone else at the CMAs, including the usual, like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, a knocked-up Carried Underwood, and my personal lord and savior Tami Taylor (HEY Y’ALL!):

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com