Category: Keith Urban
What In Westworld Hooker From The Future HELL Is This?
Either Nicole Kidman’s stylist does a lot of acid and also hates her, or she’s done a lot of acid and hates herself. Because Nicole started the week at the Palm Springs International Film Festival looking like what happened when a low-budget wax museum re-styled their melting Nicole Kidman wax figure as a Taylor Swift circa 2007 wax figure. And at tonight’s Golden Globes, Nicole Kidman showed up looking like a grown Little Bo Peep after she lost her sheep herding job and had to turn tricks at a brothel where the Tin Man and his Tin Man friends came in and busted a bukkake all over her dress. She also looks like a chorus girl in a Las Vegas show about Westworld.
The shit she wore in Palm Springs and the shit she wore tonight both look like they were chosen by a 5-year-old girl on shrooms. So I hope she keeps that theme going and shows up to the Oscars wearing a giant Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.
Pics: Getty
“Kissy-Kissy Time” Is Nicole Kidman And Keith Urban’s Code For Sex
Before Nicole Kidman gets busy with her husband Keith Urban, there’s a couple pesky things she needs to take care of first. One, she’s got to check that Keith isn’t in the middle of a flat iron touch-up (you don’t want the friction from a pillow to put a kink in those sexy straight layers). And two, she’s got to make sure her kids don’t bust in on them and destroy their little eyes with the lifetime-scarring sight of mommy naked wrestling daddy.
Nicole admitted during an interview with The Moms at a screening for Lion in New York City last night that when it’s time to do the nasty, she and Keith tell their daughters – 8-year-old Sunday Rose and 6-year-old Faith Margaret – that they need “kissy-kissy time.” Kissy-kissy time sounds like a post-Botox facial exercise given to a patient to verify that they still have feeling in their lip muscles. But to Nicole and Keith, it means uninterrupted alone time. The introduction of kissy-kissy time happens at the 0:15 mark.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgoO0EbInpw
I have a feeling they’ll be forced to think of a new name for kissy-kissy time when their kids get wise to what they’re actually doing, and respond with “Ok Mom and Dad, we’ll just be over here having barfy-barfy time.”
But I like the sound of kissy-kissy time. It’s so whimsical and sweet. And really, kids don’t need to be exposed to the brutal honesty of the situation. They’ll learn when they’re older that it’s not always kissy-kissy time. Sometimes you get happy-screamy time, sweaty-stinky time, or if you’re really unlucky, burny-itchy time.
Here’s more of Nicole wearing some couture by the House of Bathtub Drain Chains at last night’s Lion screening in NYC.
Pics: Wenn.com
Keith Urban Fails To Make It Less Weird Between Nicole Kidman And Jimmy Fallon
Almost two years ago, Nicole Kidman appeared on The Tonight Show and told a story about the time she tried – and failed – to get a date with Jimmy Fallon. Nicole showed up to Jimmy’s apartment and hit on him. Jimmy was a clueless dum-dum and didn’t pick up what Nicole threw down. Nicole returned to The Tonight Show last night to promote her latest movie Lion, and they both played up how awkward it is between the two of them now. The audience didn’t know that they were in for a lot more than just the mental image of Jimmy giggling while doing Nicole’s icicle body.
And Then There Was Dolly!!!
Any Beyhive member will tell you that last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Beyonce Country Time Jamboree Extravaganza (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)! But to us Dollies, last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Dolly Tribute Spectacular (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)!
Open Post: Hosted By Billy Ray Cyrus’ Stunning, Elegant And Completely Natural Hair
The other day I wrote about the mammal lounging on top of Billy Ray Cyrus’ dome, and I wondered if it sprouted from his own head or if he pulled it off of a shelf at a wig store in North Hollywood somewhere. After looking at these retina-burning pictures of Miley’s pawpaw at the CMT Music Awards in Nashville last night, it’s obvious that his hair is completely organic and he grew it himself, because no machine could ever create such a grand work of art! Sure, Billy Ray probably ran away from lit lighters and candles all night, but that’s not because he was wearing a highly flammable hairspray-covered rayon wig. But because the clouds of beauty wafting off of his hair are highly flammable and if they got close to a flame the entire joint would combust. That’s why.
But really, Billy Ray has taken his achy breaky beauty game to another level. That thing on his head looks like what Joyce DeWitt’s hair would look like if she discovered Bump-Its. It looks like butch Peg Bundy. It also looks like the wig an actress would wear if she was playing a wise-cracking, sassy 1960s waitress in a sitcom that shot in the 1980s. In other words, it is perfect. That beehive mullet is a party in the front AND a party in the back.
I know that only Billy Ray’s 8th world wonder wig matters, but I threw in pictures of Nicole Kidman and Oompa Loompa Keith too.
Open Post: Hosted By These Two Messes
As I said in Night Crumbs on Friday, my dog has the sicks and he’s still down and out, which is why I’ve been MIA most of today. I know he’s really down and out, because while driving in the car this morning, an Ariana Grande Latte song played and he didn’t even have the energy to throw me a, “Bitch, why aren’t you changing this shit. I’ve been through enough,” look. I was at the vet with him for a huge chunk of the day and he’s still there. While we were waiting to see the doctor earlier, I was scrolling through pics on my phone and my eyeballs got a serving of Nicole Kidman and Jude Law at the NYC premiere of their movie Genius last night. Don’t worry, I covered my screen while looking at these pictures. I didn’t want my dog to get even more sick from looking at Nicole’s “Miss Kitty after getting ran over by a wagon while going to a funeral” dress. That would be cruel!
So this will be my last post of the day and tomorrow may be a lighter day for me as well, depending on how things go today. For now, I leave you with more pictures of Jude smuggling two bottles of rum in those wide ass pants and Nicole wearing what looks like a messy fight between a goth ice skater’s costume, a slutty toddler’s funeral dress and a black bordello lamp. None of them are winning. These pictures also proved to me that Nicole Kidman is un-meltable, because she’s standing that close to Jude’s piping hot burnt skin and there’s not even one drop of water trickling down her ice face.
Pics: Splash