Jewel’s Trompe L’Oeil Titties Are Confusing Me

Unless you just took two hits of gas station acid (if so, go directly to the nearest pay phone and call Iyanla Vanzant to fix your damn life) you shouldn’t be worried that it looks like Jewel’s chesticles are vibrating like a science fair project on sound waves. Jewel must have hired Kim Kardashian’s makeup artist, because she showed up to last night’s Academy of Country Music Awards with such thick contouring around her titty balls, it looked like someone had drawn them on with a brown Sharpie. Even the sloppiest drag queens are throwing her shade (she doesn’t need it; her tits are shaded enough).

Contouring your chichis is really tricky: too light and it looks like you’ve done nothing, too dark and it looks like you got titty-fucked by a filthy rando at Burning Man. But this is…I don’t know what this is. Jewel’s tits are contoured so hard, it looks like Titception – a tit within a tit within a tit. Dear Jewel: your contouring should never be so harsh that your cleavage ends up looking like a crotch shot.

While Jewel and her Picasso boobies took the trophy for Messiest Makeup, the title of Most Messiest was snatched away by a high class hooker-looking Shakira. Everything looked like it was found at a Laughlin, NV strip mall, from that bleached-out bus stop weave, to the dress that looks like the bastard child of a three-way between a butterfly stripper top, a pair of fence nets, and a yard of teal spandex. And the award for Most Kardashian went to human butterscotch sundae, Taylor Swift (but you can call her Kaylor Swifdashian) who I guess thought she was going to the opening of a Forever 21 store and stole an outfit from one of the Jenner girls.

Here’s more of Jewel, Shakira, and Taylor Jenner, along with some other fancily-dressed tricks at the ACMs last night in Las Vegas, including a very delicate in the face Keith Urban, Nancy O’Dell wearing a Mother of the Slut Dress Bride dress, and Lil’ Chick’n Nugget herself, Jamie Lynn Spears-Watson!

Pics: Splash

Tom Cruise Is Not The Great Love Of Nicole Kidman’s Life

Nicole Kidman’s on the cover of December’s anti-GOOP journal Vanity Fair looking about as human and alive as a Styrofoam wig head with painted-on eyes and lips. Because hearing about how Nicole Kidman spends her days in Tennessee touching up Keith Urban’s highlights as her chirrun pack her face with dry ice so she doesn’t melt IS BORING, Vanity Fair’s contributing editor Sam Kashner asked her what it was like being Tommy Girl’s longest-running beard wife. Nicole said that being married to the world’s most famous crazy alien leprechaun was a lot like living in a bubble. I think she meant that literally, because I’m pretty sure the Scientologists kept her in a plastic bubble so when she ran for the exit she wouldn’t be able to fit through the doorway.

“There is something about that sort of existence that, if you really focus on each other and you’re in that bubble, it’s very intoxicating, because it’s just the two of you. And there is only one other person that’s going through it. So it brings you very close, and it’s deeply romantic. I’m sure Brad and Angelina have that—because there’s nobody else that understands it except that person who’s sleeping right next to you.”

“….or in my case, the person sleeping six rooms down from you because VAGINA.”

The ice-covered Australian mannequin went on to say that she loves living in Tennessee, far, far away from the fuckery of Hollywood, and being there makes her forget that she’s famous. But then again, Nicole Kidman’s memory isn’t so great ever since she refused to negotiate her marriage contract with Tommy and men in alien masks and white lab coats removed the part of her brain that remembers witnessing what goes down in the Scientology bath house.

 “Having experienced extreme fame and now getting to a place where it’s not so dominating in my life, I’m always surprised when I go somewhere and people know who I am.” She explains that when it’s seen through the eyes of her children “it jars me again, because they ask, ‘Why do they want a photo?’ and ‘Why is that person saying hello to you when you don’t know them?’ All of that stuff has to be explained to a five-year-old. So I see it through a different perspective.

There’s an enormous amount you have to give up if you want to have a family. You can have a certain career, but you can’t be living in Hollywood, [where] absolutely everything, everything revolves around it. That wasn’t my choice. I’d rather revolve around somebody else’s career and then still find my own. [I love living in Nashville] because I can kind of have a very odd, idiosyncratic kind of path. I have stepped away from the fame part of it. I didn’t find what I was looking for in fame. So I went, O.K., this is not for me. And it was such a blessing that I found somebody who said, ‘Well, are you willing to move to Tennessee?’ And I was ‘Oh, am I willing to move!’”

And believe it or not,  but an alien-worshipping crazy bitch isn’t going down in history as the great love of Nicole Kidman’s life.

“And you know, with no disrespect to what I had with Tom, I’ve met my great love now. And I really did not know if that was going to happen. I wanted it, but I didn’t want it for a while, because I didn’t want to jump from one relationship to another. I had a lot of time alone, which was really, really good, because I was a child, really, when I got married. And I needed to grow up.”

Keith Urban’s probably sitting there with a twinkly smile on his face, because he thinks that she’s talking about him. But sorry to dim the sparkle in your highlights, Keith. When Nicole Kidman said that she’s met the great love of her life, she lovingly glanced over and winked at the 20 gallon jug of Botox she lugs around just in case the glimmer of a wrinkle shows up on her mug.

Nicole Kidman And Keith Urban Ran Into Her Ex-Piece At The CMT Music Awards Last Night

Nicole Kidman might be saying, “yes, whore, I’ve had both of those hos,” with her face, but her facial expression pretty much always looks like that since it takes a blow dryer set on high and several heated chisels to move her facial muscles.

At last night’s CMT Music Awards in Nashville, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban ran into her ex-piece Lenny Kravitz backstage. Nicole supposedly rubbed the caked-in essence of Tommy Girl off of her body with Lenny Kravitz’s peen in 2003. And here they are together again! They all smiled! Lenny and Keith hugged! It wasn’t awkward at all. Well, the only time things got a little awkward was when Keith quietly stared at Lenny with non-blinking eyes, because he was thinking to himself that all he needs to do is cover his body with a few more coats of liquefied Doritos and maybe, just maybe he’ll be the same color as Lenny.

Keith doesn’t have anything to worry about, though. Sure, Lenny can make clits twitch just by winking, but a couple that parts their hair together, stays together. And Keith looks like he’s got a hair bra laying on top of his head and that is the epitome of sexy.

Also, what the hell kind of SPF does Nicole Kidman use? That shit must be strong. I’m surprised she isn’t all crispy from standing that close to Keith’s piping hot orange skin.

Nicole Kidman And Keith Urban Put On A PDA Show At Cannes

If you’re still hungover and didn’t read the headline, you’re probably wondering why I posted a picture from 2004 of Portia De Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres. These two peroxide-haired beauties aren’t Portia and Ellen. It’s Nicole Kidman and Sun-In’s most loyal customer Keith Urban kissing and loving on each other at the Cannes screening of Inside Llewyn Davis over this weekend.

I had to check to see if there’s been any recent break-up rumors about these two, because why else would they canoodle on each other like two 15-year-olds whose parents just dropped them off at the school dance. Nicole and Keith’s STUNT QUEEN PDA show for the photographers is cute and everything, but I want to scream at them the same thing I wanted to scream at the couple in Olive Garden who sat on the same side of the booth and kissed on each other throughout my entire meal, “You’re loved-up grossness is putting me off of these delicious breadsticks.“

And if I squint my eyes, Nicole sort of looks like an albino predator who’s trying to swallow an angora ferret whole.

Mimi And Nicki Minaj’s Diva Bitch Theatrics Did Not Bring Up Idol’s Ratings

The highlight from last night’s season premiere of American Idol was Mimi’s response to Nicki Minaj calling her a bitch under her breath (see: above) and the most beautiful sound I heard was the fart some dude pooted out during his audition. You’d think that a farting dude and a shade-throwing Mimi would take Idol’s ratings up, up and away, but it didn’t. 17. 9 million people turned on their TVs to watch Mimi and a Furby in a wig go at it. 18 million pairs of eyeballs is a lot of pairs of eyeballs, but Idol still down 19 percent from last season. It was the lowest-rated season opener since its first season opener in 2002. Mimi would care about this, but she’s too busy sipping liquefied money out of a diamond-encrusted platinum straw.

Deadline says that Idol won the night, but it won’t win the week. That title will go to your memaw’s favorite show NCIS. Almost 23 million people put their eyeballs on this week’s episode of NCIS. This is the first time Idol wasn’t the #1 show during its premiere week.

Because I like to torture myself, I watched all 2 hours of American Idol last night LIVE and besides the farting chanteuse (farteuse?), I couldn’t tell you about one trick who auditioned last night. I don’t remember one bitch’s singing voice, but I do remember every roll Nicki’s eyes did whenever Mimi opened up her mouth to talk about Mimi. Bitches were throwing the same catty looks that John Travolta and Tommy Girl throw during the Mr. Scientology Pageant. That shit isn’t a singing competition anymore. It’s not even a sad story competition anymore. It’s a shade-throwing competition now. In other words, I LOVE IT!

But who’s not loving it is Ryan Seacrest. Fox laid off Ryan’s full-time anal bleacher so that they could afford Mimi’s salary and look what it got them. NOTHING!

(Pic via Tumblr)

Would You Hit It?

As his ice block of a wife shot scenes as Grace Kelly with Milo Ventimiglia for Grace of Monaco, Keith Urban wrapped his huevos in Spandex to go swimming in the pool of his hotel. It’s nice knowing that when the hot pavement burns the bottom of Keith’s feet, he makes the same pained look he makes when he breaks his boner after making the mistake of gently slapping his peen against Nicole’s concrete forehead.

Personally, I prefer vintage Keith Urban when he looked like a Til Tuesday era Aimee Mann as hipster Colonel Sanders, but I’d still hit Keith Urban of today. The meatball with tentacles tattoo really did it for me.

And it was really smart of Nicole Kidman to make the hotel put statues of her all around the pool area, so Keith never forgets her while she’s working. The resemblance is uncanny and I’m sure Keith also made the mistake of gently slapping his peen against that statue’s forehead.