Everything I know about reincarnation I learned from the accurate documentary Little Buddha, and in it, they say that reincarnation is when a spirit is reborn in a new body. I am now questioning the accuracy of that documentary, because they didn’t mention anything about how reincarnation can happen to somebody who is already alive. Because it can. That fact became crystal meth clear to me this morning while watching Corey Feldman’s triumphant return to Today. It’s obvious that Michael Jackson, David Bowie, Prince and Tupac have been reborn inside of Corey Feldman!
Kristen Stewart looks about as empty and dead inside as a cold, hallowed-out cadaver, but she tells Elle UK that after getting back with her on-and-off-again-piece Alicia Cargile for the third time, she is finally feeling feels again. Don’t let that picture from Elle UK fool you. On the outside, Kristen Stewart may look like a zombified and punkified Wednesday Addams after smoking a morphine-laced joint, but on the inside, a roller coaster of a million raw emotions is running through her!!!
Nearly every week some severely uneducated child e-mails me to ask what exactly does Phoebe Price do. I always tell them that they obviously haven’t taken an AP U.S. history course and should do so immediately, because that course covers everything that highly important American Chicken Cutlets has done. PP is an international supermodel, a chickentarian, a visual definition of hormone-free beauty, Dlisted’s forever reigning Hot Babe of the Year, a global (see: the Valley, and probably the Valley only) hat designer and more importantly an actress!
PP earned an Oscar for Best Extra (in my head) when she stole the show as window shopper #2 in the Get Smart remake, and now she’s back to show the thespians of the planet how to truly command a scene. In the web series Hollyweird!, the most underrated actress of this generation, Phoebe Price, plays the most underrated human of this generation, Phoebe Price, alongside Moira Cue. Some acting types say that it’s all in the eyes, but they’re wrong. It’s obviously all in the cheeks!
Truthfully, I could only watch about 45 seconds of that, and only because I could no longer hold onto my chair as PP’s high-powered acting knocked me over! And here’s some pictures from last February I never posted of PP, Frenchy from Rock of Love 2 and The Porn Iguana’s seance partner acting out an ultra dramatic reboot of the Life Alert’s “Ah’ve Fallen And Ah Can’t Get Up” commercial on the stage of the Ho Stroll Theater.
Ole’ frosty locks hasn’t been that emotional since the store nearest his house was all out of Sun-In.
The original American Idol Kelly Clarkson went back to the show that made her a STAH last night and showed the final 10 how it’s done. While going through phase 3 of the CASE OF THE BABIES, Kelly brought the raw emotions while singing “Piece By Piece,” a song about her dead beat daddy and her husband who restored her faith in men. The emotions overtook her and she had to stop for a second as everyone in the audience and watching at home thought to themselves, “Wait, this isn’t an Adele song, so am I legally allowed to cry?” Keith Urban got so weepy that I thought the ironed-out Calico Cat on top of his head was going to come alive and lick his sad tears dry. JLo would’ve cried, but she’s not about to jack up that make-up job when a camera’s on her face.
After Kelly took us on a journey to Kleenexville and back, the emotionless garden gnome Ryan Seacrest got on stage to talk to her and she told him that the song meaning mixed with the nostalgia of Idol brought the feelings out.
While watching that, I expected to see a puddle of liquid beneath her feet. No, not from her water breaking. But from her unborn baby crying out a million tears.
And on that note, here’s JLo working a sparkly crotch at the American Idol finalist party last night.
I was stopped at a red light not too long ago and out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a dude in the car next to me SANGING so hard that I expected the roof of his motor vehicle to fly right the hell off. We both had our windows up, so I couldn’t hear the song he was singing, but after a few seconds it was clear to me by the way streams of pure emotion oozed out of his pores, that the spirit of Adele had taken over his body and he was yodeling out “Hello.” Bitch was feeling it like he was me and that song was an 8″ hard peen. I may drive around the streets today while hoping that fate brings the red light chanteuse and I back together, because my soul needs to experience his rendition of Adele’s newest song “When We Were Young.”
Adele’s New Song Was Released A Minute Ago And I’m Sure It’s Already Made $50 Million And Won 6 Grammys
“I can’t heeeeeeeear you from all the dollar signs cha-chinging in my head!”
Just a few days after Adele stuck the sad Q-tip in by releasing a clip of her first song in three years “Hello,” the whole thing was unleashed onto the world today. I bet that break-ups and divorce rates jumped 3000% this morning, because before listening to her song, everybody called up their piece and said, “Okay, I’m going to dump you right now and I need you to start crying, because I’m about to listen to the new Adele song and I REALLY want to feel it.”
“Hello” gives us a serious PLOT TWIST. Instead of Adele getting her ass dumped and her heart slaughtered into a million pieces, she’s the one who does the heartbreaking and in the video, she breaks the heart of Dixon from the 90210 reboot. (“Hello, Random, it’s me, thank you for giving us the meaning of YOU by putting Dixon in Adele’s new video.”) Adele keeps calling Dixon to apologize for being the asshole in the relationship, but he doesn’t pick up! I was going to screaming, “Text his ass, Adele, shit,” but I don’t think either of them have texting capabilities on those vintage ass flip phones. Anyway, the song and video is an emotional rollercoaster that starts at the tip of her immaculate eyeliner game and ends in that Muppet carcass coat of hers.
Later, she used that flip phone to call her contractor to say, “Hello, it’s me, we’re going to need to build a bigger trophy room to house all the Grammys coming my way.”
And because the Internet usually doesn’t disappoint, here’s the mash-up we all wanted and needed in our lives today:
Hello, Internet, it’s me, bless you for that.
And here’s Adele outside of BBC studios in London today: