And Now For The Dudes Of The Oscars

We’re finally ending our never-ending Oscar coverage today and the best way to end it is with some man pieces who were probably suffocating in their nut-hugging pants and wanted to take it all off halfway through the show. They should’ve. It would’ve made that mess a hundred million times better and awakened all my senses.

My best dressed chick of the Oscars is definitely Charlize Theron, because with that ponytail, casual diamond earrings and daytime gold la-may gown, she was done up like Alexis Carrington making a quick trip to the supermarket. It was very daytime casual Dynasty. And my best dressed dude is definitely Ryan Gosling, who looks like he reeks of Jovan Musk oil and is about to pick you up in his dad’s gold two-tone Lincoln Continental Mark V to take you to the senior prom where he’s going to feel you up while slow dancing to The Closer I Get To You. And he’s definitely the one who spiked the punch.

Ryan wore Gucci (duh) and I couldn’t tell if those were actual ruffles or trompe l’oeil ruffles (Side note: I don’t do drag, but if I ever did, I’ve got dibs on the name Tramp Louie Ruffles.) And then there’s the smooth rat Pharrell, who dressed like a maître d at an underground restaurant that only serves virgin blood and is owned by Kunty Karl. There’s a reason why Pharrell looks like that. He’s wearing Chanel.

And here’s a million more pictures of the dudes from the Oscars. Come for Mahershala Ali and come again for hot piece of wood Jamie Dornan.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Jeremy Renner Has Agreed To Pay Sonni Pacheco More Child Support Money

Now that Jeremy Renner’s latest child support fight with his ex-wife is over, he can move on to bigger battles. Like trying to convince his stylist to throw a couple more of those gorgeous crystal beaded roses on his tuxedo jacket next time. “Come on, how many times do I have to tell you? Jer’s gotta sparkle.”

Back in July, Jeremy’s ex-wife Sonni Pacheco continued her quest to get money by accusing him of owing more than $48,000 in unpaid child support for their 3-year-old daughter Ava Berlin. On top of the $48,000, Sonni also wanted Hawkeye to fork over an extra $1,600 a month for Ava’s preschool tuition payments. If you happen to see Sonni Pacheco doing a little happy dance at an ATM today, you’ll know why. TMZ says that Jeremy is giving Sonni more child support money. Jeremy’s child support payments will go from $13,000 to $16,000 a month. He has also agreed to cut Sonni a $24,000 check to cover the cost of her lawyer and accountant. No word on if he has also paid back that $48,000 he allegedly owed her in unpaid child support.

When Sonni first asked for more money from Jeremy two months ago, he allegedly texted her back “I don’t have the cash to give you.” And yet, Jeremy somehow managed to find several thousand extra dollars to give her. It’s a miracle! Or maybe it’s not a miracle, but merely Sonni’s expert-level get money skills at work. Sonni asked for an extra $1,600 and she got $3,000. Sonny should really consider buying up some of those recently-closed ITT Tech campuses and open her own for-profit school. Sonni could get paid to teach the next generation of aspiring her secrets to landing a lucrative money-hustling gig (possible name: 9 Months to $uccess). It’s a win-win for everyone!

Pic: Wenn.com

Jeremy Renner’s Ex-Wife Claims He Owes More Than $48,000 In Child Support

Jeremy Renner’s real-life daytime soap opera relationship with his ex-wife Sonni Pacheco continues! Sonni Pacheco, the Canadian model Jeremy was married to for 10 months and the mother of his 3-year-old daughter Ava Berlin, has accused Jeremy of a whole sweep week’s worth of drama in the past. She’s accused him of fraud and stealing her passport, being stingy with the child support and living in a danger nest of guns. Now TMZ says she’s accusing him of leaving her bank account high and dry to the tune of more than $48,000.

Sonni recently filed legal documents stating that Jeremy is a first-class deadbeat daddy who has fallen behind in his child support payments. Jeremy and Sonni finalized their divorce back in December. He agreed to pay her $13,000 a month in child support. Jeremy may have that Marvel money, but according to Sonni’s documents, he hasn’t been handing it over. Jeremy allegedly owes 4 months of child support payments, which totals $48,367.

Because Sonni’s accusations seem to always come in pairs, she’s also accusing Jeremy of repeatedly refusing to pay his half of Ava’s preschool tuition. Ava’s preschool tuition is $1,600 a month.

Sonni is asking a court to force Jeremy to cut her a check for the $48,3267 in unpaid child support, as well as make him foot the entire bill for Ava’s preschool each month. Sonni also included an alleged text message from Jeremy side-eying her current money situation:

“I’m not sure why you keep coming after more money here Sonni. I don’t have the cash to give you. I’m sorry you can’t figure out how to care for [Ava] with over 300k.”

No word on what Sonni will do if she doesn’t get that money, but I have a feeling it will start with the word “mysteriously leak” and end with “intimate videos“?

I am all for Sonni getting that unpaid child support. If someone owes your ass money, and you know for a fact that they’re bringing in some serious box office dollars, go get it. But asking him to also pay $1,600 a month for preschool on top of that? Maybe she could just take Ava’s preschool tuition payments out of Jeremy’s monthly child support checks? See, this is clearly why I’d never make a good gold digger. You can’t #getmoney by trying to think thrifty.

Pic: Wenn.com

What In “My First Sewing Lesson” Hell Is Happening On The Lower Half Of Those Pants?

The UK premiere for Captain America: Civil War happened earlier today, and if Deadline’s numbers are correct, it’s going to make a mess of money. They’ve already predicted it will make $200-$230 million overseas this week, and then another $200 million when it opens in North America a week later. Basically, it’s probably safe to assume that CA:CW is going to make Robert Downey Jr. even richer than he already is. With that being said, I would assume RDJ is in the kind of financial position that would prevent him from strolling onto a red carpet in a pair of truly busted DIY-looking pants, but apparently that’s not the case.

I do not know what kind of look RDJ’s stylist was going for here. Those little black flare panels appears to be a deliberate choice, but who knows? Maybe they’re the result of RDJ misplacing both his Spanxles™ (Spanx for cankles) and his spare pair of premiere pants, and frantically MacGyvering something together in the limo on the way over. “Quick! I need a pair of scissors, a glue gun, and the fabric from the lining of your jacket. I don’t care that you won’t get your deposit back from the uniform rental company, it’s a fashion emergency!”

Whatever the reason, I do know that Robert Downey Jr.s’ faux-flares are giving me major flashbacks to the summer before 10th grade when everyone was cutting open the bottom of their jeans and sewing in panels of fabric in an attempt to make their own raver pants. Yes, technically the flare panels are supposed to be on the outside of your leg and not the inside. But I’m willing to give RDJ a pass if, and only if, he’s also wearing a million bead bracelets on one of his arms and a metal ball necklace under that shirt.

Here’s more from the UK premiere of Captain America: Probably Better Than Batman v Superman.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Jeremy Renner Is Officially Divorced

Jeremy Renner took a break from posting picture after picture of the back of his daughter’s head on Instagram to wrap up his slightly messy divorce from his wife of 10 months Sonni Pacheco. I’m in Colorado right now, but I’m sure that if I press my ear up against the window, I’ll be able to hear Jeremy Renner’s “roommate” scream, “WE’RE FREEEEEE,” all the way from L.A.

Jeremy and Sonni’s custody fight ended a few months ago when they agreed to share custody of their 2-year-old daughter Ava. Jeremy has to pay Sonni $13,000 a month in child support. When Sonni filed for divorce, she said that the prenup they signed should be torched up because of “fraud.” We all clutched our anal beads and whispered, “escandalo,” over that one. Sonni wanted spousal support, a Range Rover and money from Hawkeye for moving expenses. Sonni also claimed that Jeremy was holding her passport hostage.

People says that Sonni didn’t get what she wanted. The prenup stuck and she won’t get one dime in spousal support.

Jeremy and Sonni didn’t exactly get Kelly Rutherford levels of messy, but they did throw a few dingles at each other. Jeremy’s “roommate” accused Sonni of being a shitty mother who did coke on vacation once and stopped breastfeeding so she could drink the sweet nectar. I know, she is a shit mom for denying her baby vodka-infused tit milk. Jeremy claimed that Sonni, who’s from Canada, only married him for a green card and for money. She was also accused of blackmailing Jeremy by threatening to release “intimate videos” of him.

Sure, Sonni has earned her degree in #getmoneybitch since she’s set up for a while, but I’m sure she’s still got the sads. I mean, now that she’s no longer living in Jeremy Renner’s house, who’s going to make sure that her eyeliner game is always on point? But really, we’re the ones who got cheated the most, because those embarrassing videos of Jeremy never got leaked. I was all ready to fall out of myself while watching a scandalous video of Hawkeye using an eyeliner template like a fucking amateur!

Pic: Wenn.com

David O. Russell Has Thoughts About Jennifer Lawrence’s Wage Gap Essay

Last week, professional cool cousin Jennifer Lawrence wrote a long essay for Lenny about how pissed off she was about the Hollywood wage gap. Thanks to the Sony hack, JLaw discovered that the numbers on her paycheck for American Hustle were a lot smaller than those of the guys she worked with, and that made JLaw frown harder than the time she released a massive pizza burp and there was no one around to hear it. Now the director of American Hustle and JLaw’s upcoming film Joy, David O. Russell, is chiming in with his thoughts. Because just like their dramatic on-set screaming matches, David O. Russell always has to get the last word.

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