Deena From Jersey Shore Keeps It Natural And Fresh As Always

While the has-beens and lessers were at something called the MTV VMAsomethings in Brooklyn, the real stars were at InTouch Weekly’s Icons & Idols (read: the opposite of that)  party held in the back room of Dallas BBQ on 2nd Avenue in the East Village. No, it was held in some club.

The pores on your face are probably hyperventilating and I’m sure your eyelids suddenly feel really heavy, like they’re holding up 40 pounds of tar-covered tarantulas. Jersey Shore whore Deena Cortese and her natural beauty have that effect on most. A shortage of Bonne Bell foundation was issued in the Tri-state area and that’s because Deena wore every last bottle on her face. Bitch looks like an overused foundation sponge that somehow mutated into a living thing. I kind of want to stick my finger in her 7 layers of foundation and see how far it goes.

She looks like a Danny DeVito wax figure at a really terrible wax museum that wasn’t really popular with visitors so it was re-purposed into a JLo wax figure.

With all that said, she’s really not wearing enough make-up and a dark lip liner really would’ve completed the look.

Pics: Wenn.com

Jenny McCarthy’s Got A New Piece And A New Job

Barbara Walters announced today that all those rumors are true and magical autism-curer and a proud graduate of UDKS (U Don’t Know Shit) School of Medicine Dr. Jenny McCarthy will have a seat in Joy Behar’s old chair when The View starts their new season in September. Since Elisabeth Hasselcrack has been beamed up to the mothership, The View needs a shrieking blonde crazy to break the last nerve of viewers and Jenny McCarthy is just the crazy bitch to do it. Jenny spewed out this statement right after Barbara announced that she’s joining the table of fuckery:

“I’m beyond thrilled to be joining Barbara and the other amazing women at the table. I’d like to thank ABC for this great opportunity. I’d also like to give a big thank you to VH1 for their support and for allowing me to fulfill this lifelong dream. I look forward to helping make hot topics a little bit hotter, and showing my mom that my interrupting skills have finally paid off.”

And Jenny went on to say, “And I’m thankful to ABC for giving me another national platform for me to rage against anti-vaccinations, because the Jenny McCarthy Body Count counter hasn’t been moving fast enough.”

In other Jenny news, People and UsWeekly reported over the weekend that Jenny is bumping wet parts with Donnie Wahlberg. (That’s your 9-year-old self’s [and my current self’s] cue to rip all the NKOTB posters off your wall and cry into the torn pieces as you fall into a sad puddle of betrayal on the floor.) Donnie was on Jenny’s Vh1 talk show in March and during their interview, they pretty much sucked on each other’s fuck parts with their eyes. While Jenny and Donnie sucked on lollipops, they talked about dirty sex talk:

Jenny: Do you talk dirty while you’re having sex?

Donnie: I do.

Jenny: You do – but some guys do it wrong.

Donnie: Yeah, I don’t do it wrong.

Donnie was probably really disappointed when he found out that Jenny’s idea of talking “dirty” while humping goes something like this, “Poke me where no vaccination needle has ever poked me before!”

And here’s Donnie’s new piece with her son Evan at LAX yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Jenny McCarthy’s Ass May Replace Joy Behar On The View Next Season

If you thought that there was no way The View could get even screechier next season, then brace your ears, because you’re wrong. UsWeekly says that board certified crazy bitch Jenny McCarthy is in “serious talks” with Barbara Walters and the other producers about joining the brood of insane pecking hens in the coop next season after Joy Behar leaves. Joy announced a long time ago that she’s out of that bitch and even though Elisabeth Hasselcrack hasn’t announced that she’s leaving too, she’s already been handed an empty cardboard box to put all her dressing room shit in and her security card has already been programmed to expire the day the last show of the season tapes. Bitch is out of there too.

UsWeekly’s source says that the producers think Jenny is a perfect replacement and that since her talk show on Vh1 is slowly dying like whatever is left of her sanity, she’s into it too.

“She is in serious talks right now. Her show isn’t quite working out, so she’s definitely open to it. The cast and crew get a kick out of Jenny. She’s a good fit. She may not be able to carry a show, but she works well with a group ensemble.”

UsWeekly also says that Brooke Shields is in “serious talks” (SERIOUS TALKS!) to replace Hasselcrack.

Well, The View already has a science expert (see: Sherri Shepherd) and a sex crimes expert (see: Whoopi Goldberg) and so naturally they need a professional medical expert. Dr. Jenny is as knowledgeable in medical stuff as Sherri is in science stuff, so she’ll fit right in. Dr. Jenny should make sure that when she farts out her batshit, fucked-up medical advice she does it while wearing smart people glasses, because nothing makes you look like a medical authority like glasses.

Jenny McCarthy To The Rescue! (UPDATE: Amanda Slaps A Ho Back… And Then Takes It Back)

The Amanda Bynes saga got even weirder for a second last night when Jenny McCarthy of all fame whores and publicist type Jonathan Jaxson start tweet screaming about how the police were at her apartment and how something must be done!

It all started out as a regular night for Amanda. She tweeted a couple of topless pictures of her looking like a blond OctoMom cleaning up in a gas station bathroom after a busy night of turning tricks on the stroll. That was that, and then Jenny McCarthy jumped in and tweeted that the police were at Amanda’s house, but wait, maybe they aren’t at Amanda’s house, because she’s getting all of her info from some publicist’s tweets and it’s not confirmed. (In other words, Jenny was drunk.)

The publicist type Jenny was talking about was Jonathan Jaxson who spent his night live-tweeting the whole thing. Jonathan claims that he talked to Amanda and she sounded drugged all the way up, so he tweeted the NYPD and TMZ to find her and help her. And then he kept tweeting and tweeting and tweeting and patting himself on the back as he tweeted and tweeted…

I just spoke to @AmandaBynes and she is soooo messed up on drugs and please @NY_POLICE find her and help her! I don’t know her address! @TMZ

If trying to help someone you feel is in trouble is a crime, then there is a problem. A cry for help is just that! I did what I KNEW to do!

I personally decided to delete certain tweets because the last thing I want anyone to think is tonight was about me. It was about another!

first and then got it and called the NYPD again in NYC, who said I had to have a proper address. Amanda has been changing her number weekly.

In addition to hotel hoping and gym hoping. Amanda needed help and I did everything I could and knew to do to help!

Amanda kept quiet on Twitter the entire time and nobody knows if the cops even went to her apartment.

But we all know how this is going to end. Amanda is going to sue the shit out of Jenny and Jonathan for being ugly! And I’m sure Jenny is going to find a way to blame this mess vaccines.

UPDATE: And Amanda responded to Jenny and found her guilty of being old and ugly:

UPDATE II: After Amanda called Jenny old and ugly, Jenny apologized and Amanda took it all back. I really never could with this, but now I really can’t.

Foot + Rose Tattoo = Class Personified

You probably already shook your head at the dim-brained trick who let that infamous Russian tattoo artist give her the worst facial ever by allowing him to ink his name onto half of her face. Bitch let him do this just 24 hours after meeting him, because she thinks their love is eternal. The only thing that will be eternal is her debt after she pays thousands of dollars to try to get that mistake lasered off of her face. But anyway, that leads me to another tattooed work of beauty…

After John Travolta caused the Super Bowl blackout by blowing a fuse when he plugged his travel-sized vibrator into a socket in the men’s bathroom, Jenny McCarthy got a tattoo while waiting for the game to start up again and she tweeted (via UsWeekly) the end result to all her followers. This busted tattoo would’ve never happened if Jenny slapped down tattoo needles the same way she slaps down vaccination needles. That rose tattoo looks like something a 16-year-old circa 1989 would get in her friend’s garage after she got drunk on wine coolers. I bet Warrant was playing when Jenny got that tattoo. If the tattoo you want to get looks like the wallpaper border in somebody’s grandma’s powder room, think twice before getting it.

Even Bradley Cooper wouldn’t slap his peen on Jenny’s foot.

Here’s Jenny at a pre-Super Bowl party with Kendra Wilkenwhatever in New Orleans over the weekend.

Justin Bieber Thanks His Haters, Gets Attacked By Jenny McCarthy

Tree-fucking autism curer Jenny McCarthy is fighting against her own life mission. (No, I’m not talking about her life mission to be the biggest fame whore who ever fame whored. I’m talking about her war against vaccines and shit.) On stage at the AMAs last night, Jenny attacked and molested a yodeling baby and now every child who watched that mess is going to inject themselves up with every vaccine available. Because who knows what kind of diseases Justin Bieber has now and the children want to be prepared just in case the wild cougar attacks them too.

For next week’s show-and-tell at his pre-school, Justin will bring the three cone dildo trophies he won at the AMAs last night. Justin won (read: bought) Favorite Male (???) Pop Rock Artist (???), Artist of the Year and some other award. While accepting his first award, Justin, seen below with his mommy, spoke like a true spoiled little shit when he dedicated his win to the haters who didn’t think he’d be around for long.

“This is for all the haters who thought I’d be around for 1, 2 years. I feel like I’m gonna be here for a very long time.”

Isn’t that the exact same speech Jordy gave when he won the Best New Artist award at the Grammys and look where he is now. (Note: Jorday SO should’ve won the Best New Artist Grammy). Back to Biebs, there’s nothing worse than a smug toddler. I liked Justin Bieber a lot better when he was dancing to that Ooga-Chaka song on Ally McBeal. Click those ruby slippers, Biebs, and go home, because your diaper leggings need changing.