Category: And We Pray

Katie Price Confirms That Harvey Price Is In The ICU

July 13, 2020 / Posted by:

Over the weekend, I lit several prayer candles and sprayed my Stunning by Katie Price parfum (which, yes, I really do own because DUH!) into the air over the horrible news that Katie Price’s son Harvey Price is in the ICU after he had trouble breathing and suffered from a major fever. My first thought was to throw holy water at that demonic piece of trash coronavirus for continuing to show us how evil it can be. Harvey is being tested for COVID-19, but sources claim that an “unknown bug” is fucking with Harvey and not COVID-19. This unknown bug needs to step into the light so I can throw holy water on its ass too.

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St. Angie And Brad Pitt Greet Their Loyal Subjects While Going To Dinner In Australia

February 4, 2014 / Posted by:

SAINTS: They’re not just like us!

When you and your piece go to Red Lobster for a romantic surf, turf and Cheddar Bay Biscuits dinner, dozens of your adoring fans are not waiting for you outside to take your picture, shake your hand and breathe in the blessed air you breathe out.

When St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt go to Shipwreck Bar and Grill in Airlie Beach, Queensland, their devoted disciples wait for them to arrive and cheer for them like it’s a goddamn red carpet premiere or some shit.

St. Angie is still directing that Unbroken movie in Australia and on Tuesday night she and Brad Pitt left the child army at home to eat seafood at a restaurant. (Well, he ate seafood and she sniffed the fish bones and licked on a bowl of popped fish eyeballs.) Worshipers of the Australian branch of the Church of Brangelina must’ve followed the beam of light from St. Angie’s halo to the Shipwreck Bar and Grill, because they were there when St. Angie and Brad arrived. St. Angie and Brad shook hands and waved at their fans. The last time I saw a Sméagol stretch his arm out like that, he was reaching for the One Ring and it wasn’t a pretty scene. But this time, a saintly Sméagol reached out her arm to bless a young child. When St. Angie (aka the real Supreme) touched that girl’s hand, she sucked out that girl’s youth and innocence and stored it in her signature forehead vein. That girl doesn’t care, because she was touched by true holy greatness.

Pics: Splash

Here’s Another Reason Why Kim Kardashian Needs To Have A Seat Once And For All

May 16, 2013 / Posted by:

Putting your hooves through some serious pain must be the thing to do this week.

Julianne Moore sent all her piggies scrambling for air when she shoved all of them into tiny shoes. And now here’s Kim Kartrashian with her feet packed so tight into her shoes that they look pig’s feet wrapped in plastic. Your feet should not look like they belong in the refrigerator at 99 Ranch Market and my abuelita should not want to use them to make sopa.

What’s the point of being pregnant if you’re not going to sprawl your ass on the sofa and eat Nilla Wafers dipped in Hershey syrup and Fluff? Oh, I guess the point for Kim is to strangle her body with ridiculous clothes and give birth to a baby she can whore out for an extra check. I get it, but DAMN. Bitch’s swollen hooves look like they need to be hooked up to an oxygen mask and an IV full of fluids.

And on another note, why is dressed like Jor-El?

Be Still My Heart: The Mysterious Beauty That Is Wendy Lynn

April 14, 2013 / Posted by:

A photo agency’s database is like an out-of-season garden. There’s weeds, brown patches of grass and sad stretches of dirt everywhere, but if you keep looking your eyes will eventually land on a stunning and special flower. That’s what happened to me when I was scrolling through a photo agency’s database and landed on pictures of a beautiful, natural and always in season blond rose named Wendy Lynn. The pictures of Wendy Lynn were taken at a cancer awareness event in Santa Monica on Tuesday night. Wendy Lynn is an exquisite goddess whose delicate face peeks out of a cloud of curly blond hair. She’s the beauty that Loni Anderson longs to be. She’s the love child of Elly May Clampett and a swan.

The photo agency didn’t have any information about Wendy Lynn besides her name. I had to know everything about her. I wanted to know how many men have fought for her honor? How many women have joined a convent, because they knew they couldn’t compete with her? How many rose petals does she crush and smear all over her lips to get them looking so fresh and delicate (answer: none, her lips look like that naturally)? I needed to know everything about Wendy Lynn, because I planned to write another unauthorized biography about her. I say “another” because a woman that fascinating and gorgeous has obviously been the subject of several unauthorized biographies.

A quick Google search, led to this Christian website that had a small blurb about Wendy Lynn Adams.

David and Wendy Adams were both privileged to be raised in Christian homes where Jesus Christ was Lord. Our homes centered on the Bible and in the church. Wendy’s dad was a pastor so she was ministering and singing since she was a young girl. When she was 21 the TV show “Hee Haw” was starting and Wendy was chosen to be “Nurse Good-body” on what became the top show on TV. She has had two of her own TV shows and traveled for years with her own groups. In 1998 she was inducted into the Celebrity Hall of Fame. For 11 years she fed the homeless and the children in the slums, ministering the gospel and helping them to get jobs and homes. She is in demand ministering and singing all over the nation.

I looked for clips from Hee Haw on YouTube to see the magnificent Wendy Lynn in action, but the only clip of Nurse Goodbody I found didn’t star Wendy Lynn. It starred Gunilla Hutton as Nurse Goodbody. I figured that maybe Wendy Lynn was the original Nurse Goodbody and she left Hee Haw, because her spectacular beauty made all the cameras burst. I kept Googling, but couldn’t find anything that backed my guess up. Then my eyes landed on a post at Creating Balance from Judith who met Wendy Lynn at an event at Graceland. She was immediately hypnotized by Wendy Lynn’s presence (who isn’t?) and Wendy Lynn told her that she was Nurse Goodbody on Hee Haw. A couple of days later, Judith did a Google search and found out the same shit I found out: Wendy Lynn was never Nurse Goodbody!

I emailed a hee-haw expert that I found while searching, to ask her. She responded that Gunilla was the only Nurse Goodbody. Hee Haw’s 1st episode was in June of 1969. Gunilla first appeared in episode 13, in December of ’69. I checked the IMDB website, and there is no Wendy Lynn listed in any of the first 12 episodes.

Ms. Adams’ website says she was inducted into the Celebrity Hall of Fame in 1998. There is no such thing as a Celebrity Hall of Fame.

I found only one other reference to this Wendy Adams as Nurse Goodbody on this site where it says that she was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame in 1998. But there were only four 1998 inductees. Two of them included Tammy Wynette and Elvis Presley. And I’m pretty sure we did not meet Tammy Wynette on Sunday.

This site also gave a quote where Wendy claimed to be Elvis’ “prayer partner”. Um, ok. I’ll give her that one.

I have honestly spent hours on this. I can compare the feelings on this to when I found out there wasn’t a Santa Claus, and when I found out Delilah was not in Memphis, but a syndicated show out of California. (I’m still not over that one)

What I can’t get over, is that she visited my home church several times during that week, introducing herself as Nurse Goodbody. So this wasn’t a one-time introduction, or encounter with her at Graceland. She made this statement to a lot of people.

Maybe she was a stand-in? Maybe she was a back-up singer? IDK.

So what I do know about Wendy Lynn is that she’s a minister and tells everyone that she was Nurse Goodbody on Hee-Haw. Barbara Walters needs to stop calling herself a journalist, because she failed as a journalist when she didn’t make Wendy Lynn the Most Fascinating Person of Every Year!


Kate Upton Almost Froze To Death While Posing For This Picture

February 12, 2013 / Posted by:

Kate Upton really is our modern day messiah. Jesus died for your sins and Kate Upton almost died just so millions could fap to this picture of her in Antarctica. Even though Kate Upton’s Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition cover shoot looks like it was done at the penguin exhibit at the San Diego Zoo, she swears they really shot it in Antarctica and she has the frostbite scar on her ass cheek to prove it. Kate was on Today (via UsWeekly) this morning to talk about getting the cover for the second year in a row and she says that posing half naked in sub zero temperatures caused her to suffer temporary blindness and her eardrums froze over and she ALMOST DIED, but at least she looks hot in the pictures! And that’s ALL that matters.

“It was freezing. I’m from Florida, so it wasn’t great for me. I can’t believe we were all able to accomplish that. I was thinking warm thoughts. When I came back, I was losing hearing and eyesight. Because my body was shutting down — working so hard to keep me warm.

The penguins kept me going! They’re adorable. Anytime I was like, ‘I can’t do it anymore, I can’t do it!’ I would look at them and I was like. Okay, for them . . . “

Yes, Kate Upton has a freezer burned clit, frost bitten nipples and they had to pour brandy from a St. Bernard’s barrel collar on her ass after her culito lips froze shut, but it was all worth it! And I even love how Kate Upton is covering for the penguins. Girl, please. We all know that the dude penguins mistook her chichis for extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra large penguin eggs and nearly scratched her body up with their claws while fighting over who got to sit on them.

And I hate myself for turning a post about frost bitten nipples into a post about penguins fighting over eggs. I was never the same after seeing March of the Penguins.

Foot + Rose Tattoo = Class Personified

February 5, 2013 / Posted by:

You probably already shook your head at the dim-brained trick who let that infamous Russian tattoo artist give her the worst facial ever by allowing him to ink his name onto half of her face. Bitch let him do this just 24 hours after meeting him, because she thinks their love is eternal. The only thing that will be eternal is her debt after she pays thousands of dollars to try to get that mistake lasered off of her face. But anyway, that leads me to another tattooed work of beauty…

After John Travolta caused the Super Bowl blackout by blowing a fuse when he plugged his travel-sized vibrator into a socket in the men’s bathroom, Jenny McCarthy got a tattoo while waiting for the game to start up again and she tweeted (via UsWeekly) the end result to all her followers. This busted tattoo would’ve never happened if Jenny slapped down tattoo needles the same way she slaps down vaccination needles. That rose tattoo looks like something a 16-year-old circa 1989 would get in her friend’s garage after she got drunk on wine coolers. I bet Warrant was playing when Jenny got that tattoo. If the tattoo you want to get looks like the wallpaper border in somebody’s grandma’s powder room, think twice before getting it.

Even Bradley Cooper wouldn’t slap his peen on Jenny’s foot.

Here’s Jenny at a pre-Super Bowl party with Kendra Wilkenwhatever in New Orleans over the weekend.

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