Category: Jenny McCarthy
The Time Jenny McCarthy Did Ecstasy And Tried To Have Sex With A Tree
Autism curer and literary genius Jenny McCarthy is peddling her newest book “Bad Habits: Confessions of a Recovering Catholic” and she learned the best way to sell a book is to spill some scandalous (not really) secrets about all the time she did drugs and fucked a tree so hard that it squirted sap like it’s never squirted sap before. HuffPo says that Jenny writes that while partying with her friends one night, she swallowed so many Ecstasy pills that it made her take off all her clothes (like she needed Ecstasy to do that) and practically rub her cooter off while screwing a tree.
“The texture felt so good that I decided to rub my head and boobs all over it. It was a tree I was humping.”
Jenny then writes that her friends, who were also rolling hard, got paranoid and wanted to run to the road for help.
“I noticed that we weren’t wearing anything. So I responded, ‘Let’s not. We’re naked. Let’s just try to sneak back to the beach and get our clothes.”
So sticking a vaccine needle in your kid is wrong, will probably send them to an early death and anybody who does it should be dragged into the town square and stoned. But eating a bunch of Ecstasy pills and then forcibly fucking a tree until you birth out an acorn baby is okay and totally not wrong? Good to know. Thanks for clearing that up, Jenny McCarthy, M.D. (Yes, in this case, M.D. stands for maniacally dumb.)
The Photoshop Awards: Jenny McCarthy’s “Elegant” Playboy Cover
Here’s Miss Tits Against Vaccines herself Jenny McCarthy celebrating her upcoming 40th birthday by posing naked on her sixth cover of Playboy. From those Girls Just Wanna Have Fun gloves to the fact that Playboy dulled every single Photoshop tool while making this cover, this shit is a mess. But a bigger mess is Jenny using the words “class” and “elegant” to describe her “Photoshopped into another face” spread. Jenny barfed up this pile of LOLs to People:
“I’m really proud of it. The pictures are really gorgeous and classy. They could be out of W magazine. They’re really elegant. It’s probably a lot more sophisticated than a lot of the stuff you’d see of people with their clothes on.”
The words “Jenny McCarthy” and “elegant” go together like the words “Jenny McCarthy” and “sane.” The only way Jenny’s spread could be described as “sophisticated” is if they covered her Joker face and body with a pink velvet blanket and laid Shauna Sand on top of her. Also, please tell me while Jenny posed nekkid ass nekkid in an air-conditioned studio, karma twirled in and blew a case of whooping cough right at her.
And I bet the classiest picture in the spread is the one of Jenny McCarthy flashing the message “Jim Carrey Hates Kids (Even More Than I Do!)” shaved into her full pube bush. Yes, Jenny shaved all those words into her bush. She’s got a really wide bush.
Jenny McCarthy Sexted Her Dentist On Accident
The real story here is that her Christian Scientist-esque ass lets her kid see a dentist. They inject the novacaine. How has her vaccine hatred not launched an investigation here? Dental pain management methods might be causing children to end up like the kid in We Need To Talk About Kevin! That kid fucking sucked! Spoiler alert – he jerked off harder when he knew his mom was watching!
Or what if novacaine injections are making it so later on in life kids grow up to be the kind of drivers who cut bitches off across three lanes of traffic so they make their exit? Dicks. I’m surprised her kid isn’t Captain Yuckmouth Jr.
Jenny McCarthy is currently whoring a television project, so she needs to offer up some amusing bon mots about what a hot n’ fun mom she is. I see your eyes rolling like beautiful marbles!
(via Starpulse)
She explained, “It’s horrific to remember. Evan woke up and said, ‘There’s this weird thing on my gum.’ …So I called the dentist and said, ‘This is insane’. He said, ‘Take a picture of it and send it to me.’
“So I’m taking a picture of it and I’m sending it to the dentist and I sent him a nude on accident (sic)! I swear to God! The dentist is, like, 80 years old. I literally screamed at the top of my lungs.”
Unless her dentist is smoking pole, he probably loovvveeed it. She totally sexted on purpose. This bitch was so trying to cadge free dental care. Singled Out was a long-ass time ago.
You still have to work as a dentist in your 80s? People that age get dementia. You could end up with a toothless sucking anus maw when you wake up. Eff that.
Jenny McCarthy Wants You To Know That She Grew Out Her Crotch Shrub For Playboy
Jenny McCarthy’s LOOK AT ME Tour is speeding down the fame whore expressway as scheduled and since she’s already talked about her son’s private feelings, she’s doing the next best thing to get maximum media exposure: talking about her pubes.
This November 1st, the world will celebrate For Why Is Jenny McCarthy Famous Day, and she’s celebrating early by baring her nekkid body in July’s issue of Playboy. Jenny told Today (via People) that she’s celebrating her 40th birthday by posing for Playboy, because she wanted to show her Tupperware titty sacks off before “everything really falls apart.” Jenny also said that you won’t see a sliver of her coochie lips, because she gave her waxer the month off.
When asked recently if she plans to bare it all, McCarthy, 39, answered without hesitation.
“What’s everything?” she said with a laugh during an interview on Today. “I mean I grew out a bush so nobody sees anything.”
If only Jenny would grow a bush over her mouth too.
Pic: Splash
Jim Carrey Abandoned Jenny McCarthy’s Son, So Says Jenny McCarthy (UPDATE: Jim Responds!)
Autism whisperer Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey humped on each other for 5 years and during that time he formed a relationship with her now 10-year-old son Evan. Since they broke up over 2 years ago, Jim hasn’t called or visited Evan at all. Evan regularly tells Jenny that he misses Jim. Instead of calling Jim up to tell him to wave at Evan on Skype or some shit, Jenny put him on blast while promoting her newest shit show Love in the Wild on Howard Stern. Jenny told Howard that she hasn’t actually talked to Jim, but she has gone through various “channels” to try to talk to him. What I think she means by that is that she sat in front of the TV, channel surfed until she landed on a channel playing Ace Ventura and then used her Indigo powers to send him a message through the screen. That’s what she means. This is what Jenny told Howard (via UsWeekly) about Jim walking out on her son:
“I’ve tried to ask [Jim] numerous times [to see Evan], because my son still asks. I haven’t [reached out directly] . . . I think that sometimes people need to take a real break from each other. But I still love him. I think you can love people from a distance and respect him. But as a mother, you just hope when you have a relationship with someone, it has nothing to do with the child when you break up.
I tell [Evan] that someday you’ll cross paths, meet again, [but] it’s hard. He’s been in therapy. It’s a process, he’s working on it.”
Would it be nice for Jim to visit Evan every now and again? Sure. Was it a dick move for Jenny to paint Jim as a heartless, child-hating shit bag when she hasn’t even tried to contact him herself? Definitely. But we don’t know the whole story. It could be complicated. But instead of using her son to get to Jim Carrey, Jenny should do what most hos do when they want to see Jim Carrey. Bitch should just put an Emma Stone cardboard cutout in her backyard and wait until Jim shows up. He will!
UPDATE: Jim issued a statement to TMZ where he made it clear that he doesn’t see Evan anymore and also made it clear that Jenny needs to learn a little thing called STFU. Jim said, “I will always do what I believe is in the best interest of Evan’s well being. It’s unfortunate that Evan’s privacy is not being considered. I love Evan very much and will miss him always.”
Jenny McCarthy Better WATCH Her Child-Killin’ Ass!
I kid, I kid! Despite having a website devoted to her which lists how many children have died due to lack of vaccinations, I know she didn’t mean to lead people astray. She claims to have cured her son, and blames his autism on vaccines. The problem is that the famed medical expert (whose qualifications include having been the former “flirtatious boob shaker” on MTV’s Singled Out) then wrote a book about it to share her wisdom. And then she went on Oprah. Oh dear. Cuz’ no one was ever influenced by Oprah’s show. Shit, I’m shocked this bitch didn’t accidentally bring polio back to us.
And now she goes and gets with HOT PIECE OF CAVEMAN ASS CHICAGO CUB BRIAN URLACHER? Strike two, ho. Urlacher is one of my many dream husbands. Michael K. has Mah Boo, I have any dude in the “linebacker ass” category (you thought MK was slutty…). E! sez the two have been spotted out and about in Chicago, and her person confirmed they’re dating.
“I’m outta fucks, here. Why is this a post?” Oh, it’s not a post! It’s a fucking warning! I’ve been gathering my resolve and the next time the Pats play the Cubs at Gilette, I’m storming the field and planting my face directly in Brian’s sweaty ass. They’re gonna need a Taser (or one of those Dunkin’ Donuts limited time only Men In Black 3 star donuts with the brownie-batter filling) to draw me out!. And if I have to snatch at Jenny’s cheap ass as I fly by, SO BE IT.
It won’t last. Once Jenny finds out that his three kids from previous relationships have been vaccinated, she’ll bounce. Those children have been tainted by life-saving science! Gross.