I stamped the “Fuck That Shit” label on the Fifty Shades of Grey movie last November when Jamie Dornan said they couldn’t go too far and so he had to keep his todger and nuts wrapped up in a crotch bag. How the hell are you going to do a movie that’s mostly about boning and geared toward horny middle-aged moms and hard-up gays (see: me) and not show any dick? That’s some Spice Channel shit. When I was a teenager, my friend said that her parent’s never checked their cable bill so we ordered a Spice Channel porn. While watching that porn, we pretty much screamed for her parent’s money back, because they didn’t show any dick! None. That was a tragic day in my teenhood.
But Jamie wasn’t totally telling the truth. Fifty Shrugs of Meh opened at midnight (it’s already made $8.6 million from midnight screenings alone) and clips of Christian Grey’s bits have already squirted up on the Internet. MNPP posted two GIFs, one of which is a hint of Christian Grey’s peen and wild crotch bush. Yes, I already know there’s a picture of Jamie’s peen all over the Internet, but that pic is old and when you’re a desperate, pathetic, dick-hungry wreck like me, you take what you can get. So after the cut are NSFWish GIFs of Christian Grey’s sausage trunk and ass. Yes, this is what it’s come to:
I know, that GIF is so blurry and it happens so fast that it could be Punxsutawney Phil coming out of his burrow to declare six more weeks of winter for all we know. But whatever.
And at the London premiere of Fifty Shades, Jamie said that his wife Amelia Warner hasn’t seen it and probably isn’t going to see it:
“She hasn’t seen the film and I don’t think she will, to be honest. I’d understand if she didn’t want to.”
Well, there you go. If you want a really good excuse to get out of seeing Fifty Shades, just be married to Jamie Dornan.