Category: Hot Slut of the Month
September’s Hot Slut Of The Month Is…
When drunken mess Beyhan Mutlu joined a search party looking for a missing person, he had no idea that the search party he joined was looking for him, and he also didn’t know that he was about to wander into our Hot Slut of the Month contest and win it all! So if you’re a high school guidance counselor and a student tells you their goal is to be a Hot Slut of the Month (since teenagers definitely read Dlisted and know what Hot Slut of the Month is), just tell them, “You just have to be a drunk mess!”
Beyhan Mutlu is the man from Turkey who went drinking with his friends in the Inegöl district and somehow wandered into the woods (as you do). When his friends and wife couldn’t find him, they contacted the authorities and a search for him began. Beyhan unknowingly joined the search for himself, and when people began shouting his name, he busted out a drunken remix of Lionel Richie’s Hello by asking, “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?” And now he’s an HSOTM winner!
Beyhan Matlu got 43% of the votes, beating Frances McDormand’s Flip Phone (30%), Frank Ocean’s Robot Shrek Baby (16%), and Volkswagen’s Da Da Da Commercial (11%).
And here’s an interview from earlier this month of our current reigning HSOTM talking about the confusing mess he got himself into. It’s in Turkish so I watched it with janky auto-translate captions in English, and it made him sound like me while eight levels of crunk so I understood every word, naturally.
Thanks to all who voted!
Pic: YouTube
Who Is September’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
For the past three months, the animal kingdom has been dominating Hot Slut of the Month with a raccoon, dogs, and a cat taking the internet’s second most illustrious honor (the first being Hot Slut of the Year, of course). Well, it’s time for humans, inanimate objects, commercials, and soul-eating robot babies from SHREK HELL to get their chance for some time in the HSOTM shine. Because September’s HSOTM showdown is an animal-free contest. Cut to the doggy/feline duo of Lollipop and Sashimi winning September’s HSOTM battle thanks to an OVERWHELMING amount of write-in votes.
The first three finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month and the fourth was picked by me. September’s HSOTM choices are:
Beyhan Mutlu, the drunken mess who unknowingly joined the search party that was looking for him. Bless him because now us drunk messes have something to say to our friends and relatives when they judge our drunkness. “Well, at least I’m not Beyhan Mutlu levels of drunk…yet.”
Frances McDormand’s Flip Phone, the priceless technological artifact that Frances McDormand uses to communicate with. Frances’ flip phone proves that she might be one of the most patient people in the world. Because most of us would lose it after three seconds of trying to text on a flip phone in the year 2021.
Volkswagen’s Da Da Da Commercial, the 90s Volkswagen commercial that is a big reason why many people went to a brain surgeon back in the day to ask, “Do you think you can surgically remove that song Da Da Da from my head?!”
Frank Ocean’s Robot Shrek Baby, the “accessory” that Frank Ocean brought to the MET Gala and probably even made the Mistress of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, throw holy water at it.
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be crowned next Wednesday, October 27!
August’s Hot Sluts Of The Month Are….
If you should ever find yourself nearly drowning off the coast of Italy and screaming “AIUTAMI!” (after pulling out your water-resistant iPhone and Googling, “How do you say ‘help me’ in Italian?“, of course), you may be rescued by Hot Slut royalty. Because three Italian lifeguard pooches (two of which may or may not be pictured above) are now our reigning Hot Sluts of the Month after winning most of the votes.
Eros, Mira, and Mya are part of Italy’s Scuola Italiana Cani Salvataggio (SICS), a rescue dog school in Italy that works with human volunteers to patrol the beaches for swimmers in need. They became heroes last month when they helped rescue a group of 14, including 8 children, who were swept out to sea off the shore of Sperlonga. They are the real-life PAW Patrol: Baywatch Edition, and now they are HSOTM grand champions. Eros, Mira, and Mya won August’s HSOTM showdown with 40% of the votes. In second is my current favorite ASL interpreter (see: her piping hot translation of “I wanna choke”) Kelly Kurdi with 30%, followed by The Badass Street Ruler of Bolton with 22% and Bob Wehadababyitsaboy with 8%. The furry life-saving dream team of Eros, Mira, and Mya will now go on to the Hot Slut of 2021 semi-finals next year.
For now, I leave you with this video of some of the lifeguard pooches (not Eros, Mira, or Mya) of Italy at work. I’d probably be screwed if I needed lifeguard help in Italy because one of those adorable David HasselARFs would swim out to me, smell the skankness and booze wafting off of me, and swim right back to shore. My stench would even be too much for a living thing who regularly smells dog ass!
Thanks to all who voted!
Pic: Facebook
Who Is August’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
September is almost over, but the month cannot end without us crowning August’s Hot Slut grand champion. No, seriously, the earth would stop spinning if I didn’t burp up a post titled “And August’s Hot Slut Of The Month Is…” This month’s HSOTM battle royale is a random potpourri of hotness from a late-90s commercial star to a Don’t Give A Fuck legend to three furry heroes to an ASL superstar. As always, the first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes and the fourth was picked by me. Since I’m a disciple of the Church of Ho Shit, I had to go with the sign language artiste who taught all of us how to sign “I wanna gag, I wanna choke.” Your choices for August are:
Bob Wehadababyitsaboy, the collect call scammer from a 1999 Geico commercial who enraged (not really) us youth of the 90s by revealing our go-to scheme of collect calling our mom and saying our name was “ItsMichael McComePickMeUpAtTheSearsPartOfTheMall.”
The Badass Street Ruler Of Bolton, the pussy in North West England who stood their ground in the middle of the street and refused to let some human peasant driver tell them to get out of the way so he could drive on through. I’m sure that magnificent gatekeeper is still standing in the middle of the road and the city finally gave in and named the street Don’t Try It Way.
Eros, Mira, and Mya, the doggy lifeguards of Italy who helped save 14 people from drowning when strong winds made the ocean rough. And I respect them too much as heroes to humanity to make a “ruff” ocean pun.
Kelly Kurdi, the ASL interpreter who brilliantly interpreted WAP during Megan Thee Stallion’s performance at Lollapolooza.
Voting is below. August’s HSOTM winner will be crowned a week from today on September 27!
July’s Hot Slut Of The Month Is…
The Embarrassed Racoon has another reason to be embarrassed today. Trick is our new reigning Hot Slut of the Month. And yes, I will take his reaction above as his official reaction to winning this mess.
The Embarrassed Raccoon, the furry little home intruder who had to be rescued from a house he got stuck in, is the seventh HSOTM of 2021. The Embarrassed Raccoon got 52% of the votes. In second place is the Martha Graham of TikTok, Cristobal Leyva, who twirled away with nearly 36% of the votes. And in third is Elena Lenina’s Sequinned Cinnabon Titties with 6%, followed by Van Leeuwen’s Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Ice Cream with a little less than 6%.
The Embarrassed Raccoon is now in the running for Hot Slut of 2021, along with Bernie Sanders’ Mittens, The Kitty Lawyer, Sisu And His Unicorn Friend, the 7-Eleven Lizard, The Beauty School Husband, and Esme the Cat Thief.
Thank you to all who voted, and if The Embarassed Racoon knew about this, I’m sure he’d thank everyone who voted for him. Or knock their trash cans down for making him relive this embarrassing moment yet again! How would all of us like it if our most embarassing moment was brought up all the time? I know how he feels because every now and again, I get an email that reads, “Remember when you made Joe Exotic HSOTD?!”
Pic: City of Dalton Fire Department
Who Is July’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
That raccoon is covering his eyes this time because he obviously can’t believe that he’s up against a culinary treasure, a pair of stunningly bedazzled cinnamon rolls, and a goddess of dance! Or that raccoon is covering his eyes because he’s embarrassed that I dragged him into this stupid shit. Whatever the case may be, it’s time to vote for 2021’s seventh Hot Slut of the Month. The first finalists got the most love from the people (aka the most Facebook likes), and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices for July are:
Van Leeuwen’s Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Ice Cream, the Kraft mac & cheese-flavored fancy French ice cream from Brooklyn-based ice cream maker Van Leeuwen. It’s currently sold out. So I guess this means I gotta make my own using Kraft powdered cheese packets and generic vanilla ice cream, and yes, I’ll say “oooh la la,” while making it to give it that fancy French flavor.
The Embarrassed Raccoon, the raccoon in Dalton, GA who got trapped in a house he broke into and had to be rescued by the fire department. And firefighters decided to get a picture of the fluffy criminal, who threw his paw over his face like, “No pictures, please!” I know, and here I am sharing his embarrassing picture and story yet again. RIP to my trash cans because this raccoon is going to send his Southern California relatives to destroy the shit out of them as an act of revenge!
Elena Lenina’s Sequined Cinnabon Titties, the ultra glamorous pair of sparkly cinnamon roll chichis that made everyone at Cannes salivate with hunger and jealousy when The Fashion Queen of Cannes sashayed onto the red carpet in them. And normally saying something looks like shit is not a compliment, but in this case, those chest decorations kind of look like an emoji of Liberace’s golden turds which is the highest of highest compliments!
Cristobal Leyva, TikTok’s true Lady of Dance who is a come-to-life music box ballerina (but way more graceful) and once again proves that this world isn’t a fair place since she should be the one starring in movies instead of that other TikToker!
Voting is below. July’s HSOTM will be crowned in a week on August 18.
Pics: Van Leeuwen, City of Dalton Fire Department, Wenn.com, TikTok