Category: Hot Slut of the Month
Who Is January’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
Our first Hot Slut of the Month showdown is coming at you a little late because we needed time to thoroughly bow down to our current reigning Hot Slut of the Year: The King of the Beauty School Husbands. But now it’s time to start voting on who will inherit The Beauty School Husband’s HSOTY crown. And we’re starting with January (since, you know, January is the first month of the year). January’s HSOTM contest is down to a hero pooch and three goddesses. The first three choices got the most Facebook likes and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices for January 2022 are:
The Calm Librarian, the Illinois librarian who stood her ground and fought the urge to take off her shoe and whoop a trick while an insufferable maskhole tried to get her to break the mask mandate and let him into the library without a mask on.
Tinsley, Lassie’s newest successor who pulled a stage 10 “Timmy in a Well” by leading the police to her human who was lying on the ground after his pick-up truck crashed through a guard rail and overturned.
Cher’s Musical Tribute To Betty White, the legends recognizing legends moment when THEE Cher crooned out THEE theme song of THEE greatest show of all-time THEE Golden Girls during a tribute to THEE Betty White. Basically, this glittery gay moment was sponsored by the word THEE.
Yoooolaaaanda Vega, the long-reigning Queen of the New York Lottery who caused the entire state lottery system to crumble (don’t fact check me on that) after she retired.
Voting is below! The first HSOTM of 2022 will be named in this post and in Night Crumbs next Wednesday, March 2 (and please fact me on it almost being March!!!).
UPDATE: The Calm Librarian is our reigning HSOTM thanks to getting 47% of the votes!
Who Is December’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
It’s the final Hot Slut of the Month battle of 2021, and this one is free of humans and members of the animal kingdom. So the theme is: Inanimate Hot Sluts! Although, I’m pretty sure that the Taco Bell Enchirtio comes alive in your bowels and Bob Dylan’s Christmas lights are fully alive with holiday opulence. But you know what I mean. As always, the first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes, and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices for 2021’s final Hot Slut of the Month are:
The Taco Bell Enchirito, the bowels-destroying baby of an enchilada and a burrito that Taco Bell has offered up on-and-off since the 1970s. But Enchritio fans can order it off the menu at some Taco Bells. So you’re an extra fancy bitch if you roll up to a Taco Bell drive-thru and say, “Why yes, garçon, I’d like to order off the menu, please.”
Clairol Short & Sassy Shampoo, the shampoo that Clairol made in the 1970s that was EXCLUSIVELY for people with short & sassy ‘dos. So it wasn’t for people with hair like Gwyneth Paltrow since it was Short & Sassy Shampoo, not Long & Dull Shampoo!
The 850-Pound Pot Brownie, the Godzilla-sized pot brownie that was made by a marijuana company and was filled with 20,000 mg of THC. If the pandemic and holidays upped your tolerance to the good shit, you may be looking at that brownie like, “Just 20k? I’d need to get two just in case.”
Bob Dylan’s Christmas Lights, the yearly Christmas display of pure dazzlement outside of Bob Dylan’s Malibu compound. It’s the perfect holiday light display for those of us who don’t care about Christmas and also care about Christmas at the same time. It’s the “don’t want to use up the energy in wrapping this gift so I’ll just throw it in an old gift bag and call it a day” of holiday light displays.
The winning HSOTM will be crowned on Monday, January 10, and that’s when we’ll begin Round One of the Hot Slut of 2021 semi-finals. So rest your votin’ finger up!
November’s Hot Slut Of The Month Is…
The one time I decided to wear the Gen Z favorite of a bucket hat out in public, I didn’t get crowned Hot Slut of the Month, instead, I got “nice, try pepaw” looks from the kids. But Steve Buscemi dresses like a fellow kid, and he becomes a meme and later wins Halloween and November’s HSOTM showdown.
For Halloween this year, Steve made the internet prolapse with excitement by dressing as his “How Do You Do, Fellow Kids?” meme. On a 2012 episode of 30 Rock, Steve played a private detective who once went undercover 21 Jump Street-style in a high school and TOTALLY fooled his fellow kids by dressing as Andrea Zuckerman’s brother (Andrew Zuckerman?). Steve wore that costume on Halloween to give candy to the kids in Brooklyn. And now he’s November’s HSOTM!
Steve Buscemi wins Halloween giving out candy in Brooklyn dressed as his epic GIF….”How do you do, fellow kids”
📷by @mikeshza pic.twitter.com/bBidpZXUYY
— Wu-Tang Is For The Children (@WUTangKids) November 1, 2021
Steve’s Fellow Kids Costume got 58% of the votes. In second place with 29% is Norway’s Gay Santa, and in third and fourth are Doug, the 17.4-lb potato (8%), and Pizza Hut’s Horny Ketchup Bottle (5%). As soon as we crown December’s HSOTM next month, Steve’s Fellow Kids Costume and the other HSOTMs will battle it out for Hot Slut of 2021.
Thanks to all who voted!
Pic: NBC, Twitter
Who Is November’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
We’re two HSOTMs away from voting on who will be the Hottest of Hot Sluts of 2021. Any one of the Hot Slut of the Days above could get that crown after winning November’s HSOTM showdown (although, that big hunk of spud could be vodka by now so it’d be really hard for it to wear a crown). The first three finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month and the fourth (Gay Santa, of course) was picked by a huge ho ho ho (read: me). Your choices this month are:
Steve Buscemi’s “How Do You Do Fellow Kids?” Costume – On Halloween, Steve Buscemi decided to dress up as his own meme to hand out candy to the children. It is bizarre how anybody recognized him because you’d think that most people would be like, “Why didn’t that fellow kid over there wear a costume for Halloween?”
Pizza Hut’s Horny Ketchup Bottle – When one man ate at a Pizza Hut in Hull, East Yorkshire, England, his innocent eyes nearly melted at the slutty sight of a whorey ketchup bottle trying to fuck him. The man actually contacted Pizza Hut because he thought the words “shake, squeeze, and squirt” on their ketchup bottles were porny and screamed at them to THINK OF THE CHILDREN. And yes, thanks to the attention, that horny cumdiment bottle joined OnlyFans and now has the most popular account.
Doug – A couple from New Zealand struck spud gold when they dug up a Cisco-Adler-nutsack-sized potato that weighed in at 17.4 pounds. They named the big ass potato Doug. They believe that Doug could be the world’s heaviest potato and have submitted it to Guinness World Records. They planned to turn Doug into vodka. I don’t know if they’ve done that yet, but I’m guessing not, since there hasn’t been a news report about how New Zealand is now the #1 producer of vodka.
Norway’s Gay Santa – It’s been 50 years since Norway decriminalized gayness, so to commemorate that important moment in history, the country’s postal service did an awwww-inducing holiday commercial where Santa Claus falls in love with a dude he’s delivering presents to and the two have a special date night every Christmas. I bow down to Norway’s Santa Claus because on the one day a year he works, he says “fuck it” to that job so he can get some hot holiday ass.
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be named next Wednesday, December 15!
October’s Hot Slut Of The Month Is….
If you’ve been keeping track on how the animal kingdom has been doing during this year’s Hot Slut of the Month competitions (SPOILER ALERT: You haven’t. Only my bored ass has), then you know that they were cleaning up until confused drunken icon Beyhan Mutlu, a human, fucked up their reign by winning last month’s HSOTM. Well, the crown is back on the head of an animal, because Noodle, the elder pug who has become the internet’s favorite soothsayer, has won!
Noodle got 58% of the votes, easily taking down his competition including Fabergé Organics (which got 20% of the votes), The Potato Dick Statue of Cyprus (11%), and James, the Powerball player with Mustang wishes and cocaine dreams (also 11%). Noodle is now our tenth Hot Slut of the Month champion and will battle it out in the Hot Slut of the Year showdowns in January.
Noodle is the pug who is now an internet STAH thanks to his human posting his daily wake-up calls on TikTok and Instagram. If Noodle does what most of us want to do every single morning (read: go back to fucking bed), it’s a No Bones Day, which means it’s a day to not make any big decisions. If Noodle stays upright and doesn’t plop down into a furry puddle of lazy, it’s a Bones Day, which means it’s a good day to get shit done. And today, it was declared a Bones Day!
No, no, Noodle didn’t get up because the delicious scent of pre-Thanksgiving foods was calling his stomach. He obviously got up because he knew he won Hot Slut of the Month and was sitting up with immense pride. That’s the only explanation. Thanks to all who voted!
Pic: Instagram
Who Is October’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
We’re just three Hot Slut of the Months away (*double checks to make sure it’s really November since my brain still thinks it’s early summer*) from beginning to choose who will inherit the Hot Slut of the Year crown from Leslie Jordan. The animal kingdom has been ruling this year’s HSOTM battles, but a human, confused drunk legend, Beyhan Mutlu, won the illustrious title (read: the opposite of that) last month. It could return to the animal kingdom if internet star Noodle (aka The Bones Or No Bones Dog) takes this shit, and in his way is a lottery hopeful with cocaine and Mustang dreams, an opulently organic shampoo from the 80s, and a giant potato dick statue!
The first three choices got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth was picked by me, and since dick runs my brain, I went with the spud peen statue. Your choices for October are:
James, a Powerball player in Shreveport, LA who told a news reporter that if he won the jackpot, he’d blow it on…. well, blow and a Mustang.
Noodle, the 13-year-old pug who became the premier soothsayer of TikTok thanks to his human pulling him out of his bed every morning to predict what kind of day it’s going to be. If Noodle stands up, it’s a Bones Day, which means it’s going to be a good and productive day. If Noodle flops back down, it’s a day to not make any big decisions. Basically, “No, bitch, I can’t sign that contract because Mercury is in retrograde,” was replaced by, “No, bitch, I can’t sign that contract because it’s a No Bones Day!”
Fabergé Organics, the luxurious 80s shampoo and conditioner from Fabergé that you knew would turn your hair into a honey-scented field of magnificent gold because: 1. Heather Locklear was one of the faces of it. And 2. It had an accent in its name.
The Potato Dick Statue of Cyprus, the statue in Xylofagou that’s supposed to be an ode to the potato, which grows a lot in that region, but looks more like an ode to short uncut diseased dicks to those of us who look at life through peen-shaped glasses.
Voting is below. The winner will be named a week from today on November 24!