Category: Hot Slut of the Month
June’s Hot Slut Of The Month Is….
“RECOUNT!” is probably what the other Hot Slut of the Month finalists are screaming after a known thief won June’s HSOTM showdown. But they can quit it with that “stop the steal” shit because Esme is too busy illegally snatching up actual valuable items (old gloves and masks that Esme’s victims probably don’t notice are gone) to care about illegally snatching up some stupid shit like the title of HSOTM!
June’s HSOTM battle came down to Esme, the pussy thief of Beaverton, OR whose human wrongly called her out as a neighborhood robber with a lawn sign, Tilly, the 2-year-old border collie who escaped from a car crash and ran off to a farm where he pretended to be a herder, and Lil Nas X’s BET Awards Gay Kiss. It was a three-way fight for the HSOTM crown. Esme won by getting 31.77% of the votes. Right on her ass was Tilly, who got 30.47% of the votes, and Lil Nas X’s BET Awards Gay Kiss, which got 30.13%. (I know, Lil Nas X’s BET Awards Gay Kiss losing Pride Month’s HSOTM is homophobic!) William White, the Gen Zer who can summon a coochie geyser out of a Gen Xer by lip-synching to Barry Manilow, ended up in fourth place with 7.63% of the votes.
Esme will go on to the Hot Slut of the Year semi-finals next year and will attempt to steal enough hearts to win the HSOTY throne! Thanks to all who voted.
Pics: YouTube
Who Is June’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
Since we’re over halfway through with 2021 (times flies when it’s not the slow-moving trash year that was 2020), it’s time to vote for this year’s sixth Hot Slut of the Month. So far this year, HSOTM has been won by two animals, one human, an inanimate object, and a kitty filter/human hybrid. Will animals continue to lead or will humans tie shit up? That IS the question. And yes, this is what William Shakespeare was really talking about when he wrote that “to be or not to be” line. He was obviously a future seer.
The first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices for June are:
William White, the Gen Z TikTok heartthrob who summoned crotch geysers out of middle-aged women by throwing come hither looks while lip-synching to classics like Barry Manilow’s Mandy and Bryan Adams’ Heaven.
Tilly, the pooch from Idaho who ran away from a car accident he was in and headed to a farm where he pretended to be a sheep herding dog before he got caught. Hopefully, his humans indulge his herding needs and dress up like sheep so he can herd them every now and again. Actually, forget that. That sounds too, too weird, even for me.
Esme, the pussy from Beaverton, Oregon whose human called her out in a “My Cat Is A Thief” lawn sign because she kept stealing stuff from the neighbors. Why do I have a feeling that Esme is going to get revenge on her human by scheming her way into owning the deed to her human’s home so she can legally get rid of that defamatory law sign?
Lil Nas X’s BET Awards Gay Kiss, the ESCANDALO (not really) man-on-man kiss that Lil Nas X and one of his dancers ended his BET Awards performance with. Enraging gay haters with a gay smooch was the perfect kiss goodbye to Pride Month!
Voting is below. I’m on vacation next week, so June’s HSOTM will be crowned on Monday, July 19.
May’s Hot Slut Of The Month Is…
Sorry Frenchie from Grease and Mariah Carey, but the biggest beauty school dropout of all time is now the gold-hearted anonymous man who took a quick lesson in hair-curling to beauty up his wife who has trouble with curling her own hair. Okay, okay, this Canadian treasure is not technically a beauty school dropout since he didn’t technically sign up for beauty school. Besides, he’s probably got an honorary P.h.D. in keeping it gorgeous by now. And on top of that, he’s now a Hot Slut of the Month champion!
The Beauty School Husband has won May’s HSOTM battle, getting 53% of the votes. Behind him in second is The Daredevil Pussy of Chicago with 29% of the votes. The Howling Wolf Pup and Bubbles Manganienello pretty much tied for last with 9% each.
The Beauty School Husband will now go on to the HSOTY semi-finals next year.
When our current HSOTM strolled into the Delmar College of Hair and Esthetics in Calgary, AB, he asked about lessons because he wanted to learn how to curl the hair of his wife of 50 years since her vision is getting worse and it’s become more and more difficult for her to do her own hair. He took a quick hair-curling lesson with student Britney Smith and she also taught him how to put mascara on his wife’s lashes. He was cool with the school posting about him but asked them not to share his name. But it might be easy to spot him if you’re in the Calgary area. If you see a woman serving all kinds of Excuse My Beauty with devastatingly curled hair and mascara-covered eyelashes that’d make the ghost of Tammy Faye Bakker gasp, the man with her would probably be her husband/beauty artiste and our HSOTM!
Thanks to all who voted!
Pic: Facebook
Who Is May’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
On top of it being Pride Month, June is also National Accordion Awareness Month, and that really doesn’t have anything to do with this Hot Slut of the Month post (although one HSOTM finalist does make beautiful music), but I thought I’d do my part and spread accordion awareness. Anyway, May’s HSOTM showdown nearly became an all-animal affair until the Human Husband of the Century came along! The first three HSOTM finalists for May got the most Facebook likes, and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices are:
The Beauty School Husband, the husband who warmed even the most frozen of frostbitten dead hearts when he went to a local beauty school in the Canadian town of Red Deer in Alberta to quickly learn how to curl his wife’s hair since her eyesight is going bad and she’s been having trouble doing it on her own. If he ever wants to become a multi-millionaire beauty influencer, he should learn how to do makeup too, because after everyone cries their face paint off while reading his story, he can slather their face with beauty again!
The Daredevil Pussy of Chicago, the cat who escaped a burning fifth-floor apartment by jumping to a patch of grass and shaking that shit off like nothing before walking away. Never mind that this cat is my new favorite action star who never was, trick probably set that fire on purpose to get away and join the cat army that will eventually take over the world!
The Howling Wolf Pup, the little wolfie of Voyageurs National Park in Minnesota who proved that all you need to do to be an HSOTM finalist is be an adorable ball of wild fluff who gets caught on camera letting out one of your first howls.
Bubbles Manganiello (née Bubbles Vergara), the Chihuahua/Pomeranian mix who was originally supposed to be Sofia Vergara’s dog but quickly snuggled up to Joe Manganiello and is now his boo. So when you see the inevitable People Magazine article declaring that Sofia and Joe are getting divorced, just picture home-wrecking legend Bubbles throwing a victory look like, “Checkmate, bitch!”
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be crowned next Thursday, June 10!
Who Is April’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
We’re almost to the halfway point of 2021, and if you’re like me, you’re looking at the dehydrated skeleton of a Christmas tree in your living room and thinking, “I thought it was still January.” Because this year has been moving faster than Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s PR team’s rollout of Operation Reboot Bennifer. Case in point: We’re already voting for April’s Hot Slut of the Month. And this HSOTM battle is made up of two heaping doses of nostalgia, two messy reptiles, and an overnight press conference STAH!
The first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth one was picked by me. Your choices for April are:
Barbie’s Silver ‘Vette, the epitome of 80s sophistication that left skidmarks of glittery elegance on every sidewalk it rode along and caused children who didn’t own it to drool out a stream of jealousness!
Crocodile Mile, the 80s backyard slip ‘n slide toy that was just a tad bit less deadly than getting eaten by an actual crocodile.
The 7-Eleven Lizard, the Asian water monitor lizard who slithered into a 7-Eleven outside of Bangkok and crawled up a bunch of shelves before the cops kicked ’em out. That lizard is a mirror to all of us who have gotten kicked out of a 7-Eleven while drunkenly crawling up shelves to get to the bag of chicharones at the top.
Michele Herbert, the UES socialite neighbor of Rudy Giuliani’s who became the breakout star of his federal raid when she talked to reporters and got thisclose to busting out jazz hands while crooning, “The name on everybody’s lips is gonna be MICHELE!”
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be announced this Friday, May 14!
March’s Hot Sluts Of The Month Are…
The other Hot Slut of the Month finalists were no match for the soul-melting union of Sisu and his beloved soulmate! In fact, if you ever find yourself in a Hometown Buffet and the lines are way too long, just hold up that picture above. Every trick in the place will clutch their chest and run off to the hospital, thinking that the warmness in their heart area is a heart attack brought on by their fourth serving of orange chicken. But no, they won’t be having a heart attack. The warmness in their chest would just be a natural reaction to that heartwarming picture of Sisu and his unicorn friend!
Sisu is the stray dog in North Carolina who kept breaking into a Dollar General to steal a unicorn plush toy. And Sisu’s story stole the heart of the internet and now he and his unicorn soulmate are March’s Hot Sluts of the Month! Sisu and his unicorn soulmate (which sounds like the title of my favorite Game of Thrones spin-off that never was) got 75% of your votes. In second place is Sampson with 15% of the votes, followed by Mentadent (6% of the votes) and Humphrey Yogart (4% of the votes).
Sisu and his unicorn soulmate will compete in the Hot Slut of the Year semi-finals next year.
In the meantime, Sisu and his unicorn plushie are living in their forever home with their new humans who are probably suffering from cuteness overload from the constant sight of these two cuddling. Well, one way to combat cuteness overload is just to watch 2 minutes of the national news and your soul will be dark and numb yet again.
Thanks to all who voted!