Category: Election

Rose McGowan Broke Her Arm Reading The Election Results

November 6, 2020 / Posted by:

Rose McGowan broke her arm while reading election results in Mexico. Relatable. I broke my brain/mind/sanity continuously clicking the refresh button on the CNN site. Because Biden Nears 270, Biden Nears 270, Biden Nears 270, Biden Nears– AUGH! My apologies, had a little lapse there. But back to the story! Rose says she was focused on her phone while walking down the stairs, and took a scary tumble. Or that’s what her nemesis Alyssa Milano told her to say after crossing the border to shove Rose down the stairs telenovela-style.

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An Over It Anderson Cooper Called Donald Trump And “Obese Turtle”

November 6, 2020 / Posted by:

Four days (or is it decades?) into this election, and the lawsuits are already flying. Sitting president Donald Trump has mounted cases in no fewer than three states, and the International Turned Over Turtle Alliance has filed one against CNN’s Anderson Cooper for slander, defamation, emotional abuse, and intolerable cruelty after he called the President “an obese turtle on his back flailing in the hot sun.” We knew this was going to be a gloves-off election, but some folks feel that Anderson took things a step too far causing great harm and humiliation to the innocent overturned turtle community in a desperate attempt to secure the title of CNN’s resident edgelord.

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Open Post: Hosted By Cardi B Stress Smoking Three Cigarettes At Once While Watching The Election Results

November 4, 2020 / Posted by:

How are you dealing with election stress? I opted for a late night Popeye’s chicken sandwich and downed another for breakfast (Buy One Get One deal on Uber Eats). Many of my friends drank themselves to sleep. Cardi B numbed her anxiety by smoking three cigarettes at once, proving that, once and for all, celebrities are just like us! Continue reading

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Kanye West Concedes The 2020 Presidential Election

November 4, 2020 / Posted by:

Kanye West’s historic bid for the White House is over. Despite a respectable showing, earning as much as .4% of the vote in some states, it seems America isn’t ready for its first Uber Clown President. Though we’ve had many conventional clowns in the Oval Office before, Kanye would have been our country’s first natural-born clown president who went on to also train as, and dress as, a conventional clown. The Birthday Party Clown community is reportedly devastated by this loss. However, Kanye seems to have taken it in stride as he sets his sights on 2024.

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Election Day Open Post: Hosted By Animals Predicting The Next POTUS

November 3, 2020 / Posted by:

Animals. They’re incredibly lucky, because they don’t know shit about politics. What’s voting? Electoral fraud’s some kind of squeaky toy, right? Are “proud boys” the ones who feed me? So I’m a touch confused as to why people are asking these ignorant cuties for their presidential picks. But, hey, any distraction is a good distraction. Continue reading

Alton Brown Went On An Unhinged Twitter Rant About “Good Eats” For Election Stress

November 3, 2020 / Posted by:

Anyone who’s ever seen Good Eats knows that Alton Brown’s refrigerator is usually filled with tidy Tupperware containers and various jars full of carefully crafted homemade food you’ll probably never get around to making yourself. However, according to The Wrap, NOT TODAY, SATAN! Today, like many of us, Alton is going on what I like to call a food rumspringa to get himself through this election.

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