Alton Brown Went On An Unhinged Twitter Rant About “Good Eats” For Election Stress

November 3, 2020 / Posted by:

Anyone who’s ever seen Good Eats knows that Alton Brown’s refrigerator is usually filled with tidy Tupperware containers and various jars full of carefully crafted homemade food you’ll probably never get around to making yourself. However, according to The Wrap, NOT TODAY, SATAN! Today, like many of us, Alton is going on what I like to call a food rumspringa to get himself through this election.

Yesterday, Alton went on an epic Twitter rant outlining all the trashy junk food he plans to consume, like “CANNED FRUIT SALAD AND CHEEZE WIZ WITH HERSHEY’S SYRUP AND GIN,” and how he’s gonna eat it, “NAKED IN THE SHOWER WITH A BOTTLE OF JAEGER.” It’s big Election 2020 energy coming from a self-reported “Thyme Lord.” The Wrap reports:

On Monday afternoon, celebrity chef and Food Network personality Alton Brown embodied what is probably the feelings of a lot of people on the day before the election with a hilarious pre-election Twitter rant that pretty much got to the heart of this super stressful time.

It kicked off unassumingly enough at 4:49 p.m. PT, when the “Good Eats” host tweeted “No matter what happens tomorrow, we’ll still have tiny chocolate doughnuts.” This true statement (good lord this election is stressful you guys) lived by itself for exactly an hour, until at 5:49 p.m. Brown followed it with “I’m seriously thinking about @LittleDebbie #NuttyBars and cigarettes. Honestly, like at the same time.”

Apparently, Alton popped off for about an hour, positioning himself at the fringes of Polite Food Network Society.

Here are some of my new, favorite, vaguely threatening Alton Brown recipes to try today, and possibly every day, depending on the outcome of the election. If Biden/Harris wins, I can’t promise I’ll stick to a strict whole foods diet rich in nutrients and fiber, but if they don’t, will I even need a liver or pancreas anymore?

Alton wrapped up his rant by suggesting he might “turn off the lights and run 23 Slim Jims through the juicer” before asking “Who’s with me?” I mean, I am, in spirit. But as much as I appreciate his chaotic energy and very much would like to try Grapenuts with scotch, I don’t have any of that shit in the house. I voted weeks ago and have no plans to come out from under the bed until I know that it’s safe. I will eat spiders and cat hair if I have to.

Pic: Wenn.com

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