Category: Billionaire Shit
Thank God Billionaire David Geffen Is Safe (On His Massive Yacht In The Grenadines)
Put down your rosaries, folks! Because 77-year-old billionaire music mogul David Geffen is sailing through this whole coronavirus thing. And he wants you to know (people must have been asking, I guess?) that he has been and will continue to remain safe by staying inside. Now, when I say inside, I mean inside one of the countless luxury suites on his private yacht. Oh, billionaires! They’re just like us.
Jeff Bezos Bought Two Beverly Hills Properties For A Total Of $255 Million
Because every billionaire overlord needs a billionaire overlord compound to plan his world takeover in, Jeff Bezos has spread his cheeks and farted out a paltry $255 million to buy two massive properties in Beverly Hills. As Amazon’s accountants send the IRS a check of $0 in corporate taxes and Amazon workers slave away, Jeff Bezos will skip through his new Beverly Hills mansion while deciding which one of his many bidets will get the honor of licking his ass like it’s Sandra Lee’s ex. The Wall Street Journal reports that the emperor of America’s favorite brand has broken the California real estate record by buying the Jack Warner Estate in Beverly Hills. And because most of us haven’t seen just how big Jeff’s alleged big dick is, he had to show us by buying the place next-door too. It’s like the billionaire version of an Amazon add-on item.
Lauren Sanchez’s Brother Claims That She’s Engaged To Jeff Bezos
Since Succession isn’t coming back for a long time, we’ll just have to be content with this messy, low-rent Dynasty knock off called Bezos’ Billions to get our fix of billionaire schadenfreude. On last week’s episode, Michael Sanchez was suing Jeff Bezos, The World’s Richest Man (we know this because he’s named as such in the lawsuit), and a private investigator named Gavin de Becker for defamation, claiming he was falsely accused of selling pictures of his sister’s lover’s dick to The National Enquirer. Today, Page Six reports that details included in the lawsuit suggest that Jeff and said sister, Lauren Sanchez, The World’s Most Glamorous Woman (we know this because just look at her!), are engaged. And that’s not the only tease written between the lines of Michael’s lawsuit which reads like The World’s Shadiest Legal Document.
Jeff Bezos “Earned” Over $13 Billion In Under 15 Minutes
Because you, the average person, are too lazy to actually take your ass to Target, Jeff Bezos just became $13.2 billion richer than he already was. Congratulations, you just paid for Lauren Sanchez’ spa treatments for a year! Ok, maybe 6 months, but seriously get a grip. You’re an adult. Do you have a crush on your Amazon Prime driver or something?
According to Bloomberg (the news org, not the other billionaire, at least not directly), Amazon stock surged yesterday, netting Jeff $13.2 billion in as much time as it takes for you to find anything on Prime Video using their crappy search function. Seriously, how is Netflix the only streaming service with a user friendly interface?!
Jay-Z Is Hip-Hop’s First Billionaire
I’m sure Kanye West is marching around his house, scoffing at this news. “Billionaire? Pfft, whatever. I’m a Kawiillionaire in Genius Bucks, but you don’t see me bragging about it.” But we’re not talking about Kanye, we’re talking about Jay-Z, who has been named by Forbes as hip-hop’s first billionaire.
Jonathan Rhys Meyers And His Wife Rode On A Plane That Was Busted For Carrying 5,000 Pot Plants
Well, at least MESS legend Jonathan Rhys Meyers has learned one lesson over the years. He apparently doesn’t fly commercial anymore. Sadly however, his decision to catch a ride on a private jet with the Greek billionaire heir to a Coca Cola bottling empire, Alki David, and Alki’s partner in a CBD company and Dish Network heir, Chase Ergon, resulted in his wife Mara Lane, and his mother-in-law getting cavity searched at the airport in St. Kitts. According to The Daily Mail, Alki and Chase were “accused of carrying $1.3 million worth of cannabis on board”. Jonathan with his little sneaky vape pen doesn’t look quite so bad anymore!