Jeff Bezos “Earned” Over $13 Billion In Under 15 Minutes

January 31, 2020 / Posted by:

Because you, the average person, are too lazy to actually take your ass to Target, Jeff Bezos just became $13.2 billion richer than he already was. Congratulations, you just paid for Lauren Sanchezspa treatments for a year! Ok, maybe 6 months, but seriously get a grip. You’re an adult. Do you have a crush on your Amazon Prime driver or something?

According to Bloomberg (the news org, not the other billionaire, at least not directly), Amazon stock surged yesterday, netting Jeff $13.2 billion in as much time as it takes for you to find anything on Prime Video using their crappy search function. Seriously, how is Netflix the only streaming service with a user friendly interface?!

Bloomberg reports:

Jeff Bezos just got a whole lot richer.

Shares of his Inc. surged 12% to $2,100 in extended trading at 4:16 p.m. Thursday in New York, after the largest U.S. e-commerce company reported fourth-quarter results that smashed Wall Street estimates.

Bezos, already the world’s richest person, added $13.2 billion to his fortune in about 15 minutes. At the current price, his net worth would be about $129.5 billion, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index.

Billionaires Index you say? Are there pictures in this catalog and can I get it bound and laminated? But honestly, the only one on that list I’d consider pursuing would be MacKenzie Bezos whose net worth shot up $204 million in the time it usually takes me to find where I left my glasses in the morning and pee. (my boudoir valet has the week off, ok?)

Bezos, 56, owns about 12% of Amazon’s outstanding stock, making up the bulk of his fortune. His ownership of closely held Blue Origin accounts for about $6.2 billion. The late surge Thursday added more than $90 billion to Amazon’s market value, pushing it above $1 trillion.

His ex-wife, MacKenzie Bezos, 49, also has reason to celebrate, as she owns about 4% of the Seattle-based retailer. She started the day as the world’s 24th-richest person, with a $37.1 billion fortune.

In other billionaire news, Elon Musk can now afford a nanny with previous experience caring for alien babies. His “fortune swelled by $2.3 billion in an hour Wednesday after shares of Tesla Inc. rose.” However, Mark Zuckerberg better think about setting up some sort of GoFundMe because his “fortune tumbled $4 billion as Facebook shares slid on its slowest-ever quarterly sales growth,” leaving him with a paltry $80 billion and a #5 slot in my shiny new catalog of potential future marks.


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