Since Succession isn’t coming back for a long time, we’ll just have to be content with this messy, low-rent Dynasty knock off called Bezos’ Billions to get our fix of billionaire schadenfreude. On last week’s episode, Michael Sanchez was suing Jeff Bezos, The World’s Richest Man (we know this because he’s named as such in the lawsuit), and a private investigator named Gavin de Becker for defamation, claiming he was falsely accused of selling pictures of his sister’s lover’s dick to The National Enquirer. Today, Page Six reports that details included in the lawsuit suggest that Jeff and said sister, Lauren Sanchez, The World’s Most Glamorous Woman (we know this because just look at her!), are engaged. And that’s not the only tease written between the lines of Michael’s lawsuit which reads like The World’s Shadiest Legal Document.
Now, it’s no surprise that Jeff and Lauren might be engaged. You don’t casually date a woman who makes Joan Collins look like a frequent guest star on COPS, Broward County FLA. You lock that shit down with the largest diamond that blood money can buy! In fact, Lauren was spotted wearing one such ring in December as the couple vacationed in St. Barts. However, no official announcement has been made. Until now. Sort of.
Hollywood talent manager Michael Sanchez casually referred to his sister as the tech mogul’s “fiancée” in a lawsuit he is bringing against Bezos and his security chief, Gavin de Becker.
“While Mr. de Becker’s initial asserted theory was that Mr. Sanchez had sold out his sister for $200,000, Mr. de Becker soon realized this theory would not hold up … it was inconceivable that Mr. Sanchez would ruin his relationship with his sister and her current fiancé, the richest man in the world, for financial gain,” said the suit, which was filed last week in Los Angeles Superior Court.
I love how Jeff’s status of richest bitch that ever riched is also casually thrown in there. Page Six notes that “Amazon would not comment on the engagement claim to The Post” (It really do be your own. Newspaper.) and that “sources insisted” that Michael “would not be in a position to know if the pair were about to tie the knot.” Which, of course, it’s not as if Michael’s some sort of psychic. No, the only psychic in this episode is the one in New Mexico that Jeff and Lauren consulted, in case you were wondering how exactly one amasses a $125 billion fortune. Crystals, bitches!
“Upon information and belief, Mr. Bezos and Ms. Sanchez’s extramarital relationship began when Ms. Sanchez’s production company began working for Mr. Bezos’ company, Blue Origin, in 2017,” the suit says. “Ms. Sanchez and Mr. Bezos were guided in their decision to keep their relationship hidden by a psychic in New Mexico, and Mr. Sanchez, as Ms. Sanchez’s brother and manager and Mr. Bezos’s friend, was committed to fulfilling their wishes.”
See now, Michael didn’t need to let everybody know that Jeff’s open to being scammed on both a large and a small scale, but he did. His lawsuit also claims that Lauren and Jeff have a lot more secrets they’re keeping from the public (including when exactly it was their affair began), by congratulating himself for his loyalty to his sister.
Sanchez admits in his complaint to working with the Enquirer, but said he was just trying to “get ahead of the story.” The suit alleges that he worked to hide Lauren’s secrets: “He used his experience and relationships to kill true and false stories about Ms. Sanchez’s business and personal affairs — some of which had the potential to destroy Ms. Sanchez’s career and all of which have remained private to this day.”
Michael claims to have already turned down a settlement offer from Jeff. He will not rest until he gets “an apology on the front of The Washington Post.” Who needs to watch the pedestrian sibling antics of Roman and Shiv Roy when we are enjoying the sophisticated maneuverings of soon-to-be-billionaires Michael and Lauren Sanchez who are currently dazzling us with that sweet billionaire drama.