You know that saying about how you can’t get blood from a stone or water from a rock, or whatever? (Some of you whores may have thought of that saying while breaking your hand bones from spending way too long trying to get jizz out of a Viagra-made boner.) I thought of that saying while watching Cher squirt out tears, because I thought the stunning goddess molded out of plasticine had her tear ducts filled with Botox years ago. But I guess the magical power of Adam Lambert’s voice made the impossible happen.
The Kennedy Center Honors (not to be confused with my favorite kind of honors, The Kennedy Davenport Honors) happened earlier this month, but it aired on CBS last night. The moment that is making the rounds is when Freddie Mercury’s Wednesday matinee understudy cooed out an easy listening rendition of Cher’s biggest hit Believe. Besides Cher’s eyes releasing tears of sparkling beauty as though she just heard the words, “Trump’s been impeached,” my favorite part is at the 1:22 mark when Glamberace pulls out his ear monitor. You know a singer is about to drop some dramatic shit on you when they pull out their ear monitor. (Tip: Whenever you’re doing karaoke and are about to hit a high note while singing your song of choice, pull out an imaginary ear monitor and watch the bitches tip over.)
Okay, I changed my mind. My favorite part starts at the 2:17 mark when he lets out two theatrical gasps while looking up. My guess is that the first gasp came from his mind being blown over his own angelic voice, and the second came from him seeing the face of God, and yes by the face of God I mean Cher in the balcony.
The official premiere for A Star Is Born, which has had what feels like THE LONGEST rollout in all of movie history, happened last night at The Shrine Auditorium in LA. There were a lot of randos on the red carpet, but it turns out there were a lot of randos in the movie. We all know that it stars Lady Gaga as Ally The Ingénue and Bradley Cooper as Jackson Maine The Leather Satchel. But you might be surprised to learn that the cast also includes Andrew Dice Clay as Lorenzo The Geriatric DJ (judging from his outfit last night) and Willam Belli as Emerald The Real Star, Henny.
And one soaked in vodka, if the glazed look in her eyes and the two-man-lift it took to get her off the curb is any indication. I know, I know, I’m gross. But not as gross as what I came across when I was fact checking types of tampons. DO NOT CLICK IT unless you’re in a safe place to throw up or a glutton for punishment. I’m also going to need a head start if you want to come after me because I’m a natural gimp and trip a lot.
Kelly partied at Bootsy Bellows last night dressed as Carrie after a hard week of butting her giant, bargain basement Mrs. Slocombe head against Lady Gaga’s collection of various ‘roided out craft projects and hating on cake. Who the fuck hates on cake? Satan himself could send Dina Lohan to my door with a Fudgie the Whale cake, for which she had to Rockette kick a motherfucker in the face at Carvel and I’d be digging into that shit before I could tell White Oprah to get off my lawn.
Also pictured are David Arquette, Carmen Electra and her tits, Joanna Krupa (delicately squatting in the gutter like all angelic beings), Shenae Grimes with her husband Josh Beech, and party host Adam Lambert.
(Pics via SplashNews)
As Elton John, Billy Clinton, a knocked up Fergie Ferg, a long-lost Kardashian named Conchita Wurst, Glamberace, Karolina Kurkova, Kelly Osbourne, Melanie Griffith, Hilary Swank, Amanda Lepore, Carmen Electra and Azealia Banks were on their knees worshiping at her perfect feet, Barbara Eden performed as Jeannie at the Life Ball in Vienna. By “performed,” I mean stood on stage, looked at the audience, did a few of her Jeannie poses and stood on the stage some more. But you know, Barbara Eden could do something heinous like read Chris Brown’s tweets out loud and I’d still give her a standing ovation.
Hillary, better come and get Bill. You know Bill was looking at Barbara Eden in her Jeannie costume and was thinking to himself, “I’d let you rub my lamp. You might not get a genie who’ll grant you three wishes, but you’ll get something else you might like.” Stop it, Bill!
And Barbara Eden is 78! These young hos who are a third of her age could never bring the glamour like she can.
I turned on the TV about halfway-ish through the American Idol finale last night and when the sight of Frankie Valli performing with the losing dudes hit my eyes, I immediately scrambled for safety by changing the channel to anything but that. I was one hundred percent sober and it was too much messiness for my eyes, ears and soul to take. The only gore I want to see on a Thursday night is Dr. Lecter making meat flan out of human bone marrow on Hannibal. But I probably should’ve kept watching that mess to catch the unicorn nightingale that is Mimi possibly lip-synch for her life!
While wearing Barbie’s Christmas time wedding gown circa 1987, Mimi coated the ear canals of her lambs with pixie dust when she sang a medley of some of her hits. The lambs ate it up with a Hello Kitty spoon, but some people on Twitter declared that Mimi’s lip-synch performance was so bad that a deaf baby high on Novocaine could’ve done a better lip-synch job. But Mimi’s reps tell Entertainment Tonight that she did yodel out organic musical notes and did not move her mouth to a track:
Well, ET can set the record straight as Mariah’s reps tell us she absolutely sang the entire medley — Vision of Love, Make It Happen, My All, Hero, We Belong Together and her new single #Beautiful — completely live! Not only that, but we hear she delighted the crowd in between live shots by singing additional hits.
To me, sometimes it looks like she’s really singing and other times it looks like she’s yawning while Windex-ing an imaginary window. Who knows and I doubt Mimi really cares. It’s only American Idol, bitch isn’t coming back next season and I’m sure her final paycheck from FOX cleared before she went onstage. Mimi is onto other things like overseeing the design of a giant replica of a unicorn’s anus for her and Nick to exchange their vows in front of on their fifth and a half wedding anniversary.
Here’s the chick who won, the chick who lost, a deranged chola Muppet and Glamberace at last night’s season finale party.
She’s really bringing that direct-to-dvd Disney villainess thing to life, huh? Adam Lambert saw Miserable Lesbians, was dismayed by the singing, and sauntered onto Twitter to let them have it, hunty. Fuck, this blog is starting to become DLesMized. Blame her.
‘Les Mis: Visually impressive w great Emotional performances. But the score suffered massively with great actors PRETENDING to be singers. It’s an opera. Hollywoods movie musicals treat the singing as the last priority. (Dreamgirls was good).’
Wise choice not coming for Beyonce. She would simply whisper into Blue Ivy’s ear, BIC’s eyes would turn pure white, and all of Lambert’s M.A.C. products would spontaneously combust.
Lambert went on to say that he thought Anne Hathaway was great, though. Sweet Jesus, do NOT give that bitch any more lube.
“One more clarification: DO go see it for Anne Hathaways performance. It’s was breathtaking.”
It’s heartening to find someone else whose grammar is worse than mine. Not by much. This bitch is pressed because he wanted to play the emaciated French hooker. He had a whole glittery ragamuffin costume made for the audition, and a daring makeup scheme devised complete with a “starvation” smokey eye. Gritty but still glamorous. Then he found out he’d have to shave his head. Ain’t nobody touchin’ Miz Adam’s mop.
The only exposure I’ve actually had to Adam Lambert performing was this rendition of Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” when he was on Idol. Girl, he made it into a sultry Middle Eastern-themed gay bar torch song about looking for a Q-tip to soothe his inflamed-with-passion asshole. It sounds like it would have added some much needed flair to Les Miz, so it’s a shame they didn’t go with a “real” singer.