Happy Friday, Here’s A Wet Alexander Skarsgard In Vogue

What better way is there to end another week of surviving life than by resting your eyeballs on this picture of a drenched Alexander Skarsgard looking all vulnerable-like while throwing you fuck me eyes? Okay, a better way to end another week of surviving life would be to walk into your apartment to find a naked and lubed-up ASkars lounging on your sofa with an Entenmann’s Devil’s Food Cake in one hand and a winning Powerball ticket in the other, but this is second! Okay, actually second is walking out of your job and finding a naked and lubed-up ASkars sitting in a car that will take you both to the Cheesecake Factory where you won’t have to wait for 6 hours because he knows people. But this is third!

39-year-old ASkars and 25-year-old (in Catherine Zeta-Jones years, allegedly) Margot Robbie did a spread in Vogue to promote that loincloth-less Tarzan movie. I have two things to say about this spread:

1. On the cover, it looks like they used a Snapchat filter to put Emma Stone’s face on top of Margot Robbie’s face.

2. While I appreciate that the Dark Priestess of Fashion Anna Wintour slipped in something for us hard-up whores by including that pic of a wet ASkars, he’s wearing way too many clothes in the other pictures while Margot is in a damn bikini top and panties. Whatever happened to equally objectifying both sexes?! Since this shoot was Tarzan-themed, Vogue could’ve fixed Hollywood’s mistake by putting Alexander Skarsgard in a Gucci loincloth or something. Why are Hollywood and the fashion world trying to keep ASkars and loincloths apart when they clearly belong together? I swear, they hate us.

There’s more pictures at Vogue.

Pics: Mert Alas and Marcus Piggot/Vogue

Why Aren’t There A Bunch Of Dropped Panties On The Floor?

Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.

Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:

Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!

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Open Post: Hosted By A Tall Drink Of Swedish Leche……… And That One Chick He’s Dating

And as Alexander Skarsgard strut his viking ass past that parking meter, it squirted out a stream of jizz from its coin slot. ASkars kept struttin’ because he’s used to that by now.

Just the other day, I was wondering if the human form of a mud-covered Glastonbury Wellie, Alexa Chung, was still swinging her poon from Tarzan’s dick vine, and I got my answer over the weekend. The paparazzi somehow magically caught ASkars and the professional festival goer holding hands while leaving some restaurant in Studio City, CA. These pictures are honestly kind of unnatural and weird to me. I mean, why would you hold ASkars’ hand when you can hold his peen while walking down the street? Also, why would you go to a restaurant to eat? If your ASkars’ piece and he says to you, “I’m hungry,” you’d immediately rip off your clothes and serve lunch on your bare crotch. That’s what any normal and sane person would do!

Something in the Swedish leche ain’t clean about this and I would investigate further, but right now I need to file a police report against Alexa Chung’s thieving ass. Trick obviously broke into my mom’s garage, went through the cardboard boxes and stole the outfit my sister wore on 3rd grade picture day in the 80s.

Pics: Wenn.com

Soothe Your Case Of The Mondays On ASkars’ Bare Thighs

I would’ve said, “Why is this a thing that is still happening in 2016?“, out loud while watching the MTV Movie Awards last night, but it was impossible to speak words with my mouth permanently attached to the bong that was helping me get through that mess. That question danced between the weed clouds in my head as I watched that trailer showcase (they showed like 10 million movie trailers) masquerading as a dumb award show. I finally got my answer to that question at the very end of that shit show when Swedish Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Alexander Skarsgard strutted onto the stage wearing the same ensemble that the maître d’ at the cafe next to the bathhouse in the Scientology Centre wears.

As his lingonberries and Swedish blood sausage were stuffed into a pair of white man panties, ASkars presented the Best Movie award with his The Legend of Tarzan co-star Samuel L. Jackson. I’m not sure, but I think Star Whores: The Nerd Boners Awaken won that award. I wasn’t really paying attention, because all of my focus was on trying to find a peen print. You can’t tell from these pictures, but nearly every crotch in the audience shot out a jizz tsunami at the sight of ASkars in tighty-whities and the place flooded. ASkars and Samuel L. Jackson got stuck on the stage and had to be rescued by the Coast Guard.

This hot outfit almost makes up for the fact that ASkars wears soccer mom capris instead of a loincloth in that Tarzan shit. Hopefully, the marketing people behind Tarzan realized that this is the best way to sell that crap. I hope they keep it coming and as the July 1st release date gets closer, ASkars shows up to events in less and less clothes and eventually shows up to the premiere in this:

And here’s more pictures of ASkars in chonies. Is it just me or do those lightsabers look more erect than usual?

Pics: Getty, AP

Apparently Tarzan And Jane Like It Rough

Alexander Skarsgard may have the body of a jacked kangaroo, but he has the face of a vintage Puppy Surprise. It’s really hard for me to picture him having sex in any way other than surrounded by thousands of white taper candles as a shimmering tear gently rolls down his cheek and through the expert-level labyrinth that is his abs.

So naturally I assumed that when Skarsgard’s Tarzan finally does it with Margot Robbie’s Jane in The Legend of Tarzan (a movie I’m still bummed out isn’t actually a prequel to Magic Mike about Tarzan’s humble stripper beginnings), it would be all soft-focus and set to an instrumental arrangement of “I’ll Make Love To You.” But according to David Yates, the director of Tarzan, it sounds like I’m way off. David recently admitted to Entertainment Weekly that things got all Fifty Shades of Loincloth while filming the sex scene between Skarsgard and Margot. It got so wild, Jane ended up punching Tarzan and leaving a bruise.

“They’re doing this love scene together, and I said [to Robbie], ‘Just slap Alex while you’re making love, just kind of give him a punch.’ It was sort of an earthy, sensual moment of her enjoying sex with Alex, and the only bruise he picked up during the entire shoot was probably that punch from Margot. Which says a lot about her feistiness.”

I think the most shocking part about this story is that she punched with enough force to leave a bruise. Skarsgard’s body looks like it was built from high-density PVC in the same factory that makes those dead-eyed martial arts dummies. So I’m legitimately surprised that story didn’t end with Margot’s fist, wrist, radius, ulna, humerus, and shoulder shattering into a million pieces while the director looked on, like “Oh shit, I really hope those pecs have insurance…“

Open Post: Hosted By Swedish Tarzan Nipples

When the first trailer for The Legend of Tarzan came out, I braced my loins, because I expected to see Alexander Skarsgard pounding his chest and yodeling out the Tarzan yell while only wearing a tiny dick skirt. But the makers behind the newest Tarzan movie gave assholes and pussies a case of the frowns when they decided he shouldn’t wear a loincloth. Tarzan wears capris. I guess in this one, Tarzan makes a stop at a Talbot’s outlet to pick up some casual capris before going back to the jungle. Another Tarzan trailer was released today, and once again, ASkars is wearing shorty pants that should only be worn by a stay-at-home mom making her way to Safeway to stock up on Lean Cuisines.

If Hollywood makes a Tarzan movie starring ASkars and he’s not almost naked in it, did they really make a Tarzan movie at all? Not only that, but they also majorly screwed up by not playing the Martika classic “If You’re Tarzan, I’m Jane” in the trailer. Oh-e-oh-e-oh!

Fuck this movie. I call for a boycott! How dare they mess with our genitals’ emotions like this? (Who am I fooling? I’ll still be at the first showing at 12:01 on opening morning and yes, I’ll be the one drunkenly screaming “TAKE IT OFF!” at the screen.)