Soothe Your Case Of The Mondays On ASkars’ Bare Thighs

I would’ve said, “Why is this a thing that is still happening in 2016?“, out loud while watching the MTV Movie Awards last night, but it was impossible to speak words with my mouth permanently attached to the bong that was helping me get through that mess. That question danced between the weed clouds in my head as I watched that trailer showcase (they showed like 10 million movie trailers) masquerading as a dumb award show. I finally got my answer to that question at the very end of that shit show when Swedish Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Alexander Skarsgard strutted onto the stage wearing the same ensemble that the maître d’ at the cafe next to the bathhouse in the Scientology Centre wears.

As his lingonberries and Swedish blood sausage were stuffed into a pair of white man panties, ASkars presented the Best Movie award with his The Legend of Tarzan co-star Samuel L. Jackson. I’m not sure, but I think Star Whores: The Nerd Boners Awaken won that award. I wasn’t really paying attention, because all of my focus was on trying to find a peen print. You can’t tell from these pictures, but nearly every crotch in the audience shot out a jizz tsunami at the sight of ASkars in tighty-whities and the place flooded. ASkars and Samuel L. Jackson got stuck on the stage and had to be rescued by the Coast Guard.

This hot outfit almost makes up for the fact that ASkars wears soccer mom capris instead of a loincloth in that Tarzan shit. Hopefully, the marketing people behind Tarzan realized that this is the best way to sell that crap. I hope they keep it coming and as the July 1st release date gets closer, ASkars shows up to events in less and less clothes and eventually shows up to the premiere in this:

And here’s more pictures of ASkars in chonies. Is it just me or do those lightsabers look more erect than usual?

Pics: Getty, AP

Presenting The MTV Movie Awards Red Carpet

The huge stars came out last night for the taping of the MTV Movie Awards. Well, a few did. Okay, like one or two. We still got some big names and a few people with actual talent. While not one of said talented people, the standout of the night was clearly Gigi Hadid. She worked that child prostitute blow-up doll glamour harder than she ever has! She and her team were like, “Brigitte Bardot with a rattle! That’ll get the cameras flashing!”

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