Open Post: Hosted By Swedish Tarzan Nipples

When the first trailer for The Legend of Tarzan came out, I braced my loins, because I expected to see Alexander Skarsgard pounding his chest and yodeling out the Tarzan yell while only wearing a tiny dick skirt. But the makers behind the newest Tarzan movie gave assholes and pussies a case of the frowns when they decided he shouldn’t wear a loincloth. Tarzan wears capris. I guess in this one, Tarzan makes a stop at a Talbot’s outlet to pick up some casual capris before going back to the jungle. Another Tarzan trailer was released today, and once again, ASkars is wearing shorty pants that should only be worn by a stay-at-home mom making her way to Safeway to stock up on Lean Cuisines.

If Hollywood makes a Tarzan movie starring ASkars and he’s not almost naked in it, did they really make a Tarzan movie at all? Not only that, but they also majorly screwed up by not playing the Martika classic “If You’re Tarzan, I’m Jane” in the trailer. Oh-e-oh-e-oh!

Fuck this movie. I call for a boycott! How dare they mess with our genitals’ emotions like this? (Who am I fooling? I’ll still be at the first showing at 12:01 on opening morning and yes, I’ll be the one drunkenly screaming “TAKE IT OFF!” at the screen.)