Open Post: Hosted By Alexander Skarsgard Striking Coy Pin-Up Poses

That is some “Touch me in the morning, then just walk away” tease.

Alexander Skarsgard is currently at the Berlin International Film Festival where he’s pimping out his movie with Michael Pena called War on Everyone. War on Everyone is a comedy about two corrupt cops in New Mexico who blackmail every criminal they deal with. So it sounds like it’s like True Detective if True Detective was on Comedy Central. We’re all probably wondering if ASkars gets naked in this shit and if he does, for how long (if you read that as “how long is it,” that works too) and is it going to be released in IMAX 3D? None of the synopses about this movie mentioned that. I know, how unprofessional and incompetent of those synopsis writers. I hope at least ASkars wears a loin cloth in this since he doesn’t in that Tarzan mess.

There was a press conference at Berlinale for the movie today and ASkars made tips moist and clits tingle when he turned around and served up some “Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?” flirtiness. If Tarzan flops hard and he’s ran out of Hollywood, he can always be a pose coach at Barbizon.

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By A Topless Alexander Skarsgard

It’s currently negative-cold as HELL where I live, so seeing a hot topless trick like Alexander Skarsgard strutting around like a My Size Ken doll is making me feel all sorts of feelings. For one, it’s making my ass jealous of an ass that has feeling in it (mine froze weeks ago). It’s also making me feel hypnotized and sleepy, which is one of the two side-effects of staring into Alexander Skarsgard’s beefy V-muscles. (The second being Increased Risk of Wrist Fracture from aggressive fapping, of course). But mostly it’s making me wish I had the kind of life where killing time means watching a topless Alexander Skarsgard strutting around, like Nick Grimshaw does.

Alexander Skarsgard is currently on vacation with his girlfriend Alexa Chung and a bunch of their friends, one of which is BBC Radio 1 host Nick Grimshaw. Nick filmed a Snapchat video of a half-naked Alex serving up buff dinner roll realness yesterday and released it to those of us who aren’t lucky enough to witness it in person, because Nick Grimshaw is a generous soul who is clearly gunning for sainthood after he dies.

RIP Nick Grimshaw’s inbox. I bet it’s bursting at the seams with emails begging him to be a little more specific about that “He will smash you up” part and requests for a slow-mo edit featuring a close-up shot of those swimsuit laces bouncing off his crotch.

But Why Isn’t Tarzan Wearing A Loincloth?

A quick second after Warner Bros. made twat lips pucker and b-holes faint by releasing those pictures of Alexander Skarsgard looking all buff, wet, sensitive and dirty (Just how I like ’em!), they dropped the first trailer for The Legend of Tarzan and it doesn’t reach the Pan-levels of ridiculousness I thought it would reach. But there’s still something really, really, really, really wrong with it.

TARZAN IS STILL WEARING THOSE STUPID ASS KHAKI CAPRIS FROM CHICO’S!

Tarzan is supposed to be the hot King of the Jungle, he’s not supposed to be a sassy suburban mom named Beverly (her friends call her Bevy) who is going to swing by Target real quick to pick up some Barefoot pink moscato because her husband’s out of town and she wants to get her buzz on while watching the Fifty Shades of Grey movie for the 20th time. Tarzan shouldn’t be having a Chico’s kind of day. Yeah, yeah, I know that in this Tarzan movie, he’s supposed to be a modern day man or whatever, but that is no excuse. First of all, it’s a movie with CGI animals. It doesn’t have to make sense. Second of all, what’s the point of casting ASkars as Tarzan if you’re not going to put him in a banana hammock that’s made of actual banana peels?

Here’s hoping that early in the movie, Tarzan’s ape friends find a way to tell him that he looks a mess in those capris. So they take him shopping for loincloths and we get a Pretty Woman-style dressing room montage set to “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora. I’m going to choose to believe that happens in the movie.

On a positive note, it’s nice to see that Christoph Waltz is showing off his range by playing the type of character he’s never played before. And here’s Christoph at The Hateful Eight premiere in Hollywood a couple of nights ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

Panty Creamer Of The Day: This Tall Glass Of Swedish Leche As Tarzan

The Legend of Tarzan starring Nordic Vampire King Alexander Skarsgard and Margot Robbie cost $180 million and industry types have been saying that it’s probably going to flop harder than ASkars’ Swedish peen flops on my face in my wet dreams, but who cares?! We’re still getting an entire movie where ASkars runs around with his nipples and cum gutters out. They should just go ahead and edit out all the stuff nobody cares about (plot, dialogue and character development) and give is nothing but Tarzan running in slow motion while wearing a g-string loin cloth, which is eventually torn off during a fight with a tiger. And yes by “tiger” I mean another hot dude wearing cat ears.

USA Today says that this Tarzan movie isn’t like the usual Tarzan movies. This one takes place ten years after Tarzan leaves the jungle. Tarzan is living in Victorian-era London with his wife Jane. Tarzan and Jane go back to the jungle to save his home.

“It’s almost the opposite of the classic tale, where it’s about taming the beast,” says Skarsgård, 39. “This is about a man who’s holding back and slowly as you peel off the layers, he reverts back to a more animalistic state and lets that side of his personality out.”

I’m going to assume that “peel off the layers” means that Tarzan takes off those Old Navy khakis right away and gets naked. If that doesn’t happen, I’m going to sue ASkars for misrepresentation.

USA Today also posted a couple of pictures and this mess looks like a low-budget show on The CW that people only watch because it’s got topless dudes in it. In the picture below, they Photoshopped Joe ManJello’s arm on ASkars’ body and they both look like they’re thinking to themselves, “Shit, this is going to flop, isn’t it?”

I don’t care, though. I still can’t wait and I would throw money at the screen, but my hands are busy doing something else. Typing, you sucios, typing!

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Alexander Skarsgard In Full Drag

Before I passed out while watching my nightly lullaby show (House Hunters International) last night, these pucker-inducing pictures  dropped into my inbox several times and it opened up something in me and I just knew I was going to have wet dreams of climbing the sequined mountain of bewigged eleganza that is Alexander Skarsgard in drag. I wasn’t ready to learn that about myself.

ASkars’ new movie The Diary of a Teenage Girl, which also stars Kristen Wiig, Bel Powley and Christopher Meloni, had its premiere at the Castro Theater in San Francisco last night and the extra tall glass of Swedish leche gave everyone the faints when he sashayed onto the carpet while looking like a viking god’s lightning bolt in one of Dolly Parton’s old wigs. The Daily Mail says that Peaches Christ, one of the rulers of the San Francisco drag scene, is in the movie, so maybe ASkars transformed himself into Miss Ikea von ABBA as an homage to her? I don’t know. But I do know that I learned something new about myself while looking at these pictures. I learned that I’d totally fuck an HGH-taking Sandra Lee in bad Farrah Fawcett circa 1978 drag. I’d hit it until her eyelashes fell off and even then, I’d slap them back on and keep going.

And here’s ASkars serving up disco Swedish Fish last night. Honestly, it’s hard for me to judge his drag without seeing his tuck game…. and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to fall back from picturing a dragged up ASkars with his Swedish sausage tucked between his nalgitas.

Pics: Getty

Alexander Skarsgard And Alexa Chung Pictured Together (Sort Of)

Last month, Swedish mountain sex god Alexander Skarsgard was seen “getting cozy” in NYC with Alexa Chung who is best known for doing I don’t even know what. They went to some Fashion Week event together and had breakfast the next morning where they ate “avocado toast.” I know, you probably want to know more about this avocado toast. Anyway, it’s been almost 30 days and they might still be a thing. Ever since ASkars broke up with unflavored oatmeal lollipop Kate Bosworth, he’s been jumping from skinny poon to skinny poon. So if he has been bumping sex parts with Alexa since February, their relationship could be his longest in YEARS.

Page Six says that on Tuesday night in Paris, ASkars and Alexa “got cozy” once again at a restaurant called Caviar Kaspia. The source said they held hands!

The pretty pair were seen very cozily holding hands at Caviar Kaspia in Paris during fashion week there Tuesday night.

They were dining with a group of fashionable pals including Poppy Delevingne, sister of Cara, and Derek Blasberg.

Hmmm… Is the source sure about that? I mean, fashion people actually eating at a restaurant during Fashion Week? Wouldn’t food mess with their ability to make a scowly bitchface while sitting front row at shows? I thought that face came from being HONGRAY. But there is picture proof of Alexa and ASkars being in Paris together. A pap took this picture of them leaving a train station in Paris on Tuesday. It gives me “Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin’s First Picture Together!!!” vibes.

That picture also showed me what it looks like when a one-night trick and I leave his building together in the morning. You know, I walk in front thinking about how I can’t wait to go to McDonald’s to get me a post-one-night-stand power breakfast and he makes sure to stay far back with his hands in his pockets as he thinks to himself, “Doo da doo don’t know that bitch doo da doo doo.“