Category: Chonies

Soothe Your Case Of The Mondays On ASkars’ Bare Thighs

April 11, 2016 / Posted by:

I would’ve said, “Why is this a thing that is still happening in 2016?“, out loud while watching the MTV Movie Awards last night, but it was impossible to speak words with my mouth permanently attached to the bong that was helping me get through that mess. That question danced between the weed clouds in my head as I watched that trailer showcase (they showed like 10 million movie trailers) masquerading as a dumb award show. I finally got my answer to that question at the very end of that shit show when Swedish Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Alexander Skarsgard strutted onto the stage wearing the same ensemble that the maître d’ at the cafe next to the bathhouse in the Scientology Centre wears.

As his lingonberries and Swedish blood sausage were stuffed into a pair of white man panties, ASkars presented the Best Movie award with his The Legend of Tarzan co-star Samuel L. Jackson. I’m not sure, but I think Star Whores: The Nerd Boners Awaken won that award. I wasn’t really paying attention, because all of my focus was on trying to find a peen print. You can’t tell from these pictures, but nearly every crotch in the audience shot out a jizz tsunami at the sight of ASkars in tighty-whities and the place flooded. ASkars and Samuel L. Jackson got stuck on the stage and had to be rescued by the Coast Guard.

This hot outfit almost makes up for the fact that ASkars wears soccer mom capris instead of a loincloth in that Tarzan shit. Hopefully, the marketing people behind Tarzan realized that this is the best way to sell that crap. I hope they keep it coming and as the July 1st release date gets closer, ASkars shows up to events in less and less clothes and eventually shows up to the premiere in this:

ihopeaskarswearsthistothetarzanpremiere

And here’s more pictures of ASkars in chonies. Is it just me or do those lightsabers look more erect than usual?

Pics: Getty, AP

When All Else Fails, Get Down To Your Chonies

February 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Doogie Howser took a break from giggling at his own jokes while hosting the Oscars tonight to say “fuckit” and get down to his panties while doing a Birdman bit, because he knows what the people watching (read: stoned straight chicks and drunks gays) want! YES! This is what I want from the Oscars. Screw those boring ass gowns and basic tuxedos. Make everyone get down to their panties and by everyone I mean only Chris Pine, The Rock, Idris Elba, David Oyelowo and (insert any other hot piece I might have forgotten because all the booze I guzzled has drowned out my sense of short memory).

And it’s really nice to know that the ball of rolled-up socks that Justin Bieber stuck in his Calvin Klein underwear got another job.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

Nick Jonas Thinks He’s The New Marky Mark

October 2, 2014 / Posted by:

So this is what it looks like when the straight Jonas Brother shamelessly tries to get those pink dollars in his Calvin Klein chonies by pandering to the guy audience. I’m really not mad. I say pander away, you shameless bitch, pander away!

Ever since Nick Jonas tried to de-twink himself by putting muscles on his body, he’s been strolling around with his nipples and three-way happy trial out. Nick took his “pandering to the gays” act to the next level by grabbing his purity balls and flashing the hairy forest that runs between his ass cheeks in Flaunt Magazine. Nick’s obviously trying to shed the Disney off of him by giving us “freshmen frat boy’s first gay porn audition” realness and Pride Source (via Towleroad) recently asked him what he thinks about hos saying he’s baiting gay eyes.

“Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I think it’s unfortunate that some people have to find a negative in every situation. Clearly my heart is in the right place, and more than anything, if they just looked at my life and my gay friends and the authentic nature of where my heart is, they’d just see that they’re kind of ignorant. The nature of where we are today is, we’re in a time where we need to make strides and step forward as a society and embrace all people from all different walks of life. When you’re trying to make a bold statement like that, some people aren’t gonna fall in line with that. And that’s OK. You gotta stay on your own path.”

I wish there was video of this, because I bet Nick ate a banana during that interview. Nick recently had his teeth whitened so he couldn’t bite into that banana between spitting out words. So he had to deep throat it and let it slowly melt in his mouth before he swallowed it all. But he’s not pandering.

Who cares if Nick Jonas is trying to get money from the gays by showing off his ass crack pubes. Marky Mark did it whether his dumb ass knew it or not. Those Calvin Klein Marky Mark pictures and the men’s underwear section of the JcPenney catalog helped me how to fap properly as a young gay. Every young gay needs a Marky Mark and I guess Nick Jonas is the Marky Mark for today’s young gays….

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