Diddy Either DGAF Or GAF 

Answer: Diddy gives a fuck, like a lot of fucks.

During the red beige and blue carpet posing portion of last night’s Met Gala, Diddy worked the cameras with his on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-on-again piece Cassie, and at one point he lounged on the steps like a man casually lounging on a display at Forever 21 while his girlfriend gets in a long line to try on a pair of jeans. That little smooth move brought out a dozen “Diddy Don’t Give A Fuck” headlines. Au contraire, bitch. Diddy does give a fuck and that shameless spotlight-shifting whore knew what he was doing.

Cassie stood there in a field of humongous ass sea urchins, working for those camera clicks, as Diddly easily got the cameras to move his way by casually strolling to the stairs for a little lounging time. Cassie’s dress is covered with giant plastic caterpillars (or are those giant Groucho Marx brows?) and Diddy gets all the attention by simply lounging like an evil vampire lounging on a velvet settee while eyeing his prey from across the room. Diddy wants us to think he’s saying, “Oh, this moment is all about her,” but we all know he’s saying, “Oh, this moment is all about moi.”

With that being said, I’d probably do the same thing, because standing is hard. And also, that dramatic lying down pose really does show off Diddy’s “Steven Seagal spending a casual afternoon at home” outfit.

And now we end our never-ending Mess Gala 2017 coverage with several dollops of hotness provided by the dudes of the night including ASkars, Riz Ahmed, Rami Malek and Luke Evans.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

The Emmy Goes To…. Alexander Skarsgard’s “Peen” For Its Performance In “Big Little Lies”

I watched last night’s episode of Big Little Lies and completely missed the special guest appearance by the dick that flopped out of Alexander Skarsgard’s pants during a scene. But in my broken dickdar’s defense, the peen that popped out of ASkars’ pants during last night’s episode was most likely fake. Yes, it was big, but it was also a lie.

Continue reading

Alexander Skarsgård And Christoph Waltz Kissing Was Cut From “Tarzan”

It was bad enough that The Legend of Tarzan’s not-right director vetoed Alexander Skarsgård swinging around the CGI jungle in a skimpy loincloth. We’ve now learned that there was a kissing scene between him and villain Christoph Waltz that was excised from the final product. Why not just have Tarzan rule the jungle in a parka, several petticoats, and a chastity belt?

The Playlist quotes director David Yates discussing a scene wherein Waltz (does he ever not play heavily accented inappropriate people?) kisses Eric Northman, former Sheriff of Area 5. While he’s unconscious. Wait – maybe not that sexy.

“We pared it back because it was almost too much. It was this really odd, odd moment when Christoph kisses him,” the director told The Times. “We loved it at the time. But early test audiences were perplexed by it and in the end it just felt too clever and overworked.”

I don’t know what’s so odd about wanting to kiss Alexander Skarsgård. Granted, Christoph Waltz smooching him while he’s unconscious might not be the homoerotic experience we all wish for Skarsgård. But that flick looks like it can use all the help it can get. They should have gone really primal with this mess and had ASKars running around nekkid like the apes that raised him. Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote a ridiculous-ass story, so really go with it. Minus the flinging of shit.

And of course test audiences were perplexed. Test audiences are always perplexed. I’m pretty sure test audiences aren’t actually human. They put some cattle to graze in front of the screen. When they low at something, some dipshit producer looks up from his coke tray and demands the scene be cut. Hollywood is the worst.

Here’s some pics of an overly dressed Alexander Skarsgård leaving the Groucho Club in London this week.

Pics: Warner Bros.,Splash

The Director Of “The Legend Of Tarzan” Should Be Blacklisted From Hollywood For This!

In case you couldn’t tell from me type screaming “For why isn’t he wearing a loincloth?” every time I post about Alexander Skarsgard in The Legend of Tarzan, Alexander Skarsgard does not wear a loincloth in The Legend of Tarzan. In the movie, Tarzan is summoned back to the jungle while shopping at a Land End’s outlet, so he has to quickly buy a pair of baggy pedal pushers and get on the next boat out of that bitch. Tarzan not wearing a loincloth is not only offensive to those of us who wanted several eyefuls of ASKars’ Swedish stems and bulge, it’s also very offensive to historians. Because any historian will tell you that if Tarzan existed, he would’ve worn a g-string banana hammock made out of actual banana peels. But if it was up to ASkars, he would’ve given us desperate hard-up hos a loincloth show.

Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By A Sweet Moment Between ASkars And A Roo

Alexander Skarsgard has started pushing that blasphemous loincloth-less Tarzan movie, and today he posed with a bunch of animal friends at the Wild Life Sydney Zoo. Askars let a kangaroo kiss him, he pet an echidna and he had a staring contest with a giant snake. The pictures of ASkars handling a giant snake are the closest I will ever get to seeing him, Jon Hamm and the Hammaconda in a gay porn together.

I want to let my jealousy take over and call that kangaroo a home wrecking skank whore, but I can’t hate on that adorable thing. If ASkars puckered up for me and let me lick him, they’d have to beat me with a boomerang to get me off of him.

Pic: Getty

Open Post: Hosted By Alexander Skarsgard At The CFDA Awards

Before I get into embarrassing myself even more by slobbering over this tall glass of Swedish leche in a tux, I just want to thank those of you who sent me well wishes about my sick ass dog. He’s still laid up in the hospital where I’m sure he’s trying to find a way to tell the vet, “Please don’t send me home yet, he’s probably going to make me watch last night’s Real Housewives of Dallas episode!” The vet is either a RHoD fan or my dog failed at his mission, because I get to take him home tonight and I’m sure he’ll be back to his usual self soon. By that I mean he’ll soon be shoving his head under sofa cushions as I watch one of my many favorite shit shows of choice. And now let’s get back to our regularly scheduled program of getting the full-body tingles for Alexander Skarsgard.

While Beyonce looked like “Rock With You” Michael Jackson meets American Horror Story: Coven and Betsey Johnson looked like the human equivalent of a Popple that got tangled up in a washing machine at last night’s CFDA Awards, ASkars kept it classic in a black and grey tuxedo. And that’s the problem! Tricks are supposed to serve up high ~fashun~ at the CFDAs, and yet ASkars’ stylist chose to put him in a boring ass tuxedo you can probably rent from Men’s Wearhouse! I read L’Uomo Vogue all the time (no, I don’t) and they say that (no, they don’t) this season’s formal wear is all about ass-less plastic chaps, tuxedo g-string Speedos and bow tie nipple pasties. That’s what ASkars should’ve worn last night. But he does get extra points for that Blue Steel gaze and jazz dance stance

And here’s more of ASkars at the CFDAs last night. I can hear you fellow hard-up whores saying to yourself, “I wish he would CFDA me, and yes, CFDA stands for ‘come fuck dis ass!’”

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash