Warning: Miley’s pumpkin porn is NSFW and after the cut.

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For those of you out there still holding on to a shred of hope that the youngest two of Kris Jenner’s Krotch Droppings would turn out well-adjusted and down-to-earth, you better take a seat because I’m about to shatter your precious world. People reports that on Oct. 18, 16-year-old Kylie Jenner rolled up on a fancy Beverly Hills hotel at 8:30pm with a couple of friends (including major Asshole-in-Training Pants, Jaden Smith) ready to party.

Hot on the heels of her latest Twitter rant about being a supposed drunk mess, Kylie and her friends decided to forgo the chicken fingers kids meal and jump straight to bottle service. Since ordering bottle service at 8:30pm is a dead giveaway that you’re a teenager who just discovered Red Bull and vodkas, the hotel shut the Spoiled Brat Sleepover down and told them to get bent.

This is the part of the story where any normal too-rich-for-their-own-good Hollywood teenager types would just put their tail between their legs and order a round of Diet Cokes, but we’re not talking about a normal teenager here. Anyone who shares DNA with Kris Jenner is used to riding the delusional train all the way to the end of the line, so Kylie pulls out the most wonderful 6 words in the Bitch You Ain’t Shit handbook: “Do you know who I am?” Oh, people know who you are Kylie (you can send a muffin basket to Ray J to say thanks) but the truth is they just don’t give a 2oz shit about you.

Once she realized that the hotel wasn’t going to budge, Kylie stormed out and stage whispered some choice Yelp reviews on her way, claiming that the hotel was “not worth her time” and that it was “fucking lame”. Kylie is only 16; all of a sudden she’s too good for getting drunk off marshmallow-flavored vodka in her parent’s basement? Kylie needs to stay home and be a dumb mess like a normal teenager. Or at least go over to the Pinkett-Smith household, where I’m sure ‘cool mom’ Jada is waiting with margaritas in a pink Juicy Couture sweatsuit.

(Pic via Splash)

While looking like Alf’s busted, creepy, drunk uncle who always gets kicked out of restaurants for giving the shocker to lady servers, Sean Penn presented Julia Roberts with the Hollywood supporting actress award (for August: Osage County) at the Hollywood Film Awards in L.A. last night. During his drunken, messy speech, Sean, who looks like a German Shepherd’s swollen testicle (do not Google that), told the audience that one of Julia’s talents is that she looks sexy while chomping on food in front of a camera. Eat, Pray, Love is like hardcore porn to Sean Penn. Julia Roberts does have the 9″ dick of teefs, so if you’re going to get off from watching someone eat, I guess it’d be her. As audience members tried to keep their food down from thinking of Sean jacking it to Julia nibbling on a carrot, he said this:

“[She] is one of the select group of actresses who can make on-screen eating sexy … I could watch her eat … for hours on end, even if the food got stuck in her teeth. I want her to make an eating movie in 3-D, but the interactive supplies not only the 3-D glasses, but also a virtual toothpick with which I could collect souvenirs correcting my insomnia with the comfort of those virtual morsels kept carefully beneath my pillow.”

Nasty fuck! Keep your NOT RIGHT fetishes to yourself, Sucio Penn! I’ve seen some nasty, filthy, dark-sided shit (see: pretty much every show on TLC) before, but nothing is grosser and nastier than picturing Sean Penn playing himself while licking his TV screen as Julia Roberts chews on a piece of pizza in slow motion.

When you get really stoned with a friend and eat cheeseburgers together, you probably ask them if you can give them a hand job. That’s normal behavior! But when Sean and Julia get stoned together, he probably asks her if he can suck the half chewed hamburger meat out of her horse teeth. Sean Penn wants be reincarnated as Julia Roberts’ toothpick. That gross, kinky piece of trash!

Pics: Wenn.com

Pictured: One of Dlisted’s new interns making a beef jerky and MD 20/20 run for the office this morning.

You already know that Dlisted is a first-class corporation (read: the opposite of that) that operates out of a first-class office building (read: the same room where I sleep and watch marathons of HGTV’s first ever soft-core gay porn show Cousins Undercover while eating Bisquick powder out of the box with a spoon) and now it’s even more professional thanks to my two new interns. I got a Cocosbuttload of amazing responses to my post, so I brought on two interns instead of just one.

So welcome Megan (better known to commenters as ISprainedMyUvula) and Allison. Starting today, Megan and Allison will drop in a post or three here and there in between doing behind-the-scenes important company stuff like organizing our offices’ move to Dildo Island. Don’t worry, I’ve already hazed them both by making them stare into the terrifying and hypnotizing eyes of Phoebe Price while cropping a dozen pictures of her and by searching Google for any new topless pictures of Carrot Top.

And I’ll let you decide which one of them looks exactly like Angelyne. (SPOILER ALERT: Neither of them. They wish!)

Pics: Splash

Michael Fassbender will probably be nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his performance in that movie that should change its title to “It’s For Business, Enslaver!“, but sadly for all of us, he has no plans to pull a Melissa Leo by showing off his cleavage while wearing a fur shrug in For Your Consideration ads paid for by him. When Shame came out, he campaigned like Tracy Flick on meth for a Best Actor nomination and he didn’t get shit. So AssBender tells GQ that he’s not going to partake in that game this year.

“I’m going to be busy working. I just don’t really have time.

That’s just not going to happen, because I’ll be in New Zealand. I’ll be on the other side of the world. You know, I get it. Everybody’s got to do their job. So you try and help and facilitate as best you can. But I won’t put myself through that kind of situation again. It’s just a grind. And I’m not a politician. I’m an actor.”

This bitch is lying and he’s obviously campaigning by using reverse psychology on those hos. You know that while he’s working in New Zealand, his long dick is going to swim to Hollywood and campaign for him. It’s going to shake hands, schmooze, kiss cheeks and hand out “AssBender 4 Supporting Actor” pins. And on that note, excuse me while I Google “Whose dick do you have to suck to get on the Oscar voting committee?”

The #1 label in the Ninth Circle of HELL, Ark Music Factory, started leaving welts on the inside of our ears with Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and now they’re back with another spirit-murdering shit song from the dark-side that’ll make you Google the question, “Is there some kind of dance I can do to summon a giant meteor to Earth?”

Patrice Wilson, the head of Ark and the dude who wrote “Friday,” also wrote little Alison Gold’s song “Chinese Food.” The subtitles are in different languages, so everybody in the world can understand this fucked-up shit together! I watched all 3 minutes and 28 seconds of it and made a list of all the things wrong with this mess. Here’s my list:

1. EVERYTHING.

This wreck starts with little Alison walking the streets in the daylight after ballin’ and clubbin’ all night. White Oprah must be her mom. Then she goes to some children’s only Chinese restaurant and orders some food from a fellow 12-year-old who’s working the cash register. Alison sits down, sings all the items on the menu and then reads her fortune which should’ve read: “RUN, GIRL, RUN, THERE’S A CREEPY PEDOPANDA BEHIND YOU!” But since the noodles she ate were obviously laced with acid, she goes skipping through the park with PedoPanda (who’s PedoBear’s Chinese cousin) and they end up at a girls slumber party. The plot twist you saw coming comes when the panda pulls off his head and it’s Patrice Wilson. No, there’s absolutely nothing shady and ILLEGAL about a grown man in a panda suit playing Monopoly with a bunch of little tweens at a slumber party. How is Patrice Wilson not on all the lists?

Just when I thought I overdosed on MSF (monosodium fuckery), little Alison and her little friends come out dressed up like Japanese Geishas and sing about how much they love Chinese food.

I would call 911, but I’m sure it’s busy since everybody is calling 911 to report this shit!