This Open Post is going up extra early because I’ve got a special announcement to make, and no, the announcement isn’t that I’m leaving the site to be the Los Angeles summer gaynny (gay nanny) of Meghan Markle and Prince Hot Ginge and plan to Daisy Wright that bitch (because that’s completely possible). That isn’t it, sadly, for me. About a month ago, I threw out a net to catch writers crazy enough to want to write for this site, because Deirdre left, and Allison and J. Harvey are taking a little break since most brains need a break from ingesting the dry blackhead-covered details of Harvey Weinstein’s case. So while they wring the ick out of their brains, three new writers will be helping out! Please welcome Adam, Emily, and Kristi!
This Open Post is coming at you early, because I’ll be out for the rest of the day and all day tomorrow, and Mieka, Kristian, Deirdre, and Ben will handle all the foolery. I’ll be out until Thursday because I’m going to travel to London and stand out outside of Frogwhore Cottage and loudly wail as my arch rival Duchess Meghan gives birth to my other arch rival so that Prince Hot Ginge can hear my cries and know how he betrayed ME! No, like I’m allowed within 100 miles of Frogwhore. I’ll be out, because I’m getting my eyeball poked again, and not in a sexy way.
Open Post And Site Announcement: Hosted By A Woman Proving That You Should Never Throw An Axe At The Floor
But before we get into this almost disaster, I let you all know a bit ago that two of our weekday foolery producers, Ben and C.J., were no longer able to produce the foolery on the regular during the week. Yes, when they told me that, I acted out the “DON’T LEAVE!“ scene in The Color Purple when Mister kicks out Celie’s sister. They haven’t left for good, though, and will fill in here and there. So because I need help with serving up the messiness, I’ve brought on two new writers. Deirdre and Harry isn’t only the almost-name of my favorite 80s daytime talk show that never was, starring Deidre Hall and Harry Hamlin. Deirdre and Harry are also the names of Dlisted’s newest writers. “Michael, you made them writers because of their glamorous names” is probably what you’re thinking, and you’re half right. I also asked them to be writers because they call Phoebe Price their lord and savior.
You’re either wearing the darkest sunglasses you can find or you turned on the speak feature on your browser, because all that double dose of rhinestone-encrusted beauty definitely temporarily blinded you. It’s been cloudy in Los Angeles and obviously because the sun was like, “Can’t compete. I’m taking the day off!” But a little more on Dolly Squared in a bit…
The late great Pete Burns Me recuperating from my bitch ass left retina trying to leave me.
I thought my day was made and I reached for the economy-sized jug of lube when I read the headline this morning about a Hemsworth being in tiny shorts. And then I pushed the economy-sized jug of lube away after realizing it was just Liam Hemsworth and I wasn’t going to get a picture of Thor’s mighty ass muscles putting the seams of shorty shorts to the test. Oh well, I’ll still take it.
So, like a mysterious rash on my ass, I’ve been avoiding addressing this shit, but it’s time. Starting right now, I’m taking a semi-sabbatical (I almost wrote “slutbatical” but that makes it sounds like I’m taking a break from being a slut) from writing on Dlisted for the rest of the summer to deal with health stuff, recharge my mushed-up brains and to write my 3,000 page unauthorized Phoebe Price biography (I wish). And yes, I can feel my mom rolling her eyes while saying, “Health stuff? Pfft, I made your lunch while dropping you off at school on my way to work after 45 minutes of sleep and coughing up pieces of my lungs because I had pneumonia!”