And this…

And this…

David Beckham announced today that he is retiring from handling balls, professionally, and his bulge may never grace a field again. 38-year-old (which is CRUSTY ANCIENT OLD in sports years) said in a statement today that once his season with Paris Saint-Germain is over, he’s going to devote all of his time to selling his used jockstraps on eBay.

“[I am] thankful to PSG for giving me the opportunity to continue but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, playing at the highest level. If you had told me as a young boy I would have played for and won trophies with my boyhood club Manchester United, proudly captained and played for my country over one hundred times and lined up for some of the biggest clubs in the world, I would have told you it was a fantasy. I’m fortunate to have realized those dreams.

To this day, one of my proudest achievements is captaining my country. I knew every time I wore the Three Lions shirt, I was not only following in a long line of great players, I was also representing every fan that cared passionately about their country. I’m honored to represent England both on and off the pitch. … I want to thank all my teammates, the great managers that I had the pleasure of learning from. I also want to thank the fans who have all supported me and given me the strength to succeed.”

Becks may be retired, but the memory of his soccer field nipples, soccer field bulge and soccer field acts of homoeroticism will forever live on Google Images (and in a folder I keep on my desktop).

This set of two married couples is A list and they always used to do everything together. It was always a strange pairing of couples, but it seemed to work for them. Over the past year though, there have only been two occasions and on both, the wife of the lesser known celebrity male was not there. reason? She told her husband that she has a thing for the more well known celebrity male. There have even been rumors the pair hooked up. (CDAN)

Beyonce, Jay-Z, Chris Martin and Goopy? If Jay-Z’s been asking Beyonce to wear a lace front over her vagine, she now knows why. He misses Goopy’s 70s bush.

Hello? I’d like to order up a sibling, please!

Guess who’s having a baby? It’s a superstar couple that everyone loves to hate!

Before you start getting all excited about a pregnancy, let’s get one thing straight: She is definitely NOT going to be giving birth to this one!

She has been trying to get pregnant for the past year or so, but it’s just not happening. Plus, publicity was a nightmare with the last baby. She was completely stressed out about baby bumps and weight and photos and clothes and rumors, and she really doesn’t want to go through that again!

So, they are phoning it in via surrogate. If the surrogate can hold the pregnancy (things look good so far), the birth will happen at the end of this year. Bring on the unusual names! (Blind Gossip)

I have a picture of Goopy and Chris Martin on a dart board in front of my toilet, so they’re my favorite superstar couple to hate. But I’m guessing this is about Beyonce.

Comedian Tig Nataro, who has three films coming out this year, is one of Sarah Silverman’s favorite collaborators.

She recently sat down with a reporter from Elle Magazine to talk about her life over the past year. During the interview, she revealed an interesting bit of information about her personal life.

From Elle Magazine:

“As Notaro was telling me this, she was playing with a loose, pink-faced platinum Rolex on her wrist. When I complimented her watch, Notaro’s reserved countenance cracked open for the first time in our conversation—she became visibly excited and a little flustered. As it turned out, the watch belongs to an actress Notaro has had a crush on for years, whom she started dating just as her life was shifting from terrible to incredible. ‘Tomorrow is her birthday, so I thought about getting this fixed,’ Notaro said. ‘I’m not a religious person; I’m not even, like, a spiritual person. But it felt like she was placed in my life, and it carried me through.'”

BTW, although we don’t know exactly which model of Rolex watch Tig was wearing, the Rolex Datejust 26mm President Platinum Diamond Ladies Watch retails for $52,000.

Yes, $52,000. (Blind Gossip)

I Googled “pink Rolex actress” and pictures of Charlize Theron, Elizabeth Hurley, Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, Jennifer Aniston and Minka Kelly came up. I don’t think Tig wants to be another SamRo, so LiLo is out. I don’t think Tig wants whiskey-infused barf on her crotch, so Tara Reid is out. I don’t think Tig wants Derek Jeter germs on her sex parts, so Minka Kelly is out. I’ll go with Charlize even though it’s not Charlize, because I think a lot of hos pray to God to bring them Charlize Theron.

This celebrity is fast approaching A list status. He is a tweener. A tweener who pops up every now and again in pap photos and usually has an equally famous female tweener on his arm. There was one special tweener he had his eyes on for awhile and they had some supervised dating. The female is fast approaching A list status herself but in an entirely different profession. The supervised dating led to unsupervised dating which led to a pregnancy scare which led to one last chance at supervised dating. The couple, being tweeners still found ways to be alone and the relationship was becoming more and more serious. The parents of the female started freaking out, but not quite as much as when their perfectly crafted daughter was caught up in a little bit of a drug scandal which would have rocked the family to the core. Going through their daughter’s phone, they found photos of her boyfriend doing lines of coke and a bunch of lines waiting to be snorted. The daughter insisted she did not do any drugs. The parents made her take a drug test but no one knows what the results were. Meanwhile they told the male tweener to stay very far away and if he didn’t, they would see the photos were published. They wouldn’t have done it though because it would have sent their future money earner down with him. (CDAN)

Jaden Smith and one of those Jenner girls he’s supposedly dating? I went to the Jack in the Box drive-thru today and was told that they didn’t have monster tacos and that still didn’t make me as sad as reading that Jaden Smith is close to A-list does.

This former A list tweener and now just a general all around a-hole was hanging out with his friend and surrounded by a group of women who are fans. Well, were fans probably. Our former Tweener kept grabbing himself and asking who wanted some of him and for the women to not be shy. His friend also did the same thing and our tweener kept offering the both of them. When none of the women took them up on their offer he referred to them all as lesbian bitches. (CDAN)

Donny Osmond, of course!

A photo agency’s database is like an out-of-season garden. There’s weeds, brown patches of grass and sad stretches of dirt everywhere, but if you keep looking your eyes will eventually land on a stunning and special flower. That’s what happened to me when I was scrolling through a photo agency’s database and landed on pictures of a beautiful, natural and always in season blond rose named Wendy Lynn. The pictures of Wendy Lynn were taken at a cancer awareness event in Santa Monica on Tuesday night. Wendy Lynn is an exquisite goddess whose delicate face peeks out of a cloud of curly blond hair. She’s the beauty that Loni Anderson longs to be. She’s the love child of Elly May Clampett and a swan.

The photo agency didn’t have any information about Wendy Lynn besides her name. I had to know everything about her. I wanted to know how many men have fought for her honor? How many women have joined a convent, because they knew they couldn’t compete with her? How many rose petals does she crush and smear all over her lips to get them looking so fresh and delicate (answer: none, her lips look like that naturally)? I needed to know everything about Wendy Lynn, because I planned to write another unauthorized biography about her. I say “another” because a woman that fascinating and gorgeous has obviously been the subject of several unauthorized biographies.

A quick Google search, led to this Christian website that had a small blurb about Wendy Lynn Adams.

David and Wendy Adams were both privileged to be raised in Christian homes where Jesus Christ was Lord. Our homes centered on the Bible and in the church. Wendy’s dad was a pastor so she was ministering and singing since she was a young girl. When she was 21 the TV show “Hee Haw” was starting and Wendy was chosen to be “Nurse Good-body” on what became the top show on TV. She has had two of her own TV shows and traveled for years with her own groups. In 1998 she was inducted into the Celebrity Hall of Fame. For 11 years she fed the homeless and the children in the slums, ministering the gospel and helping them to get jobs and homes. She is in demand ministering and singing all over the nation.

I looked for clips from Hee Haw on YouTube to see the magnificent Wendy Lynn in action, but the only clip of Nurse Goodbody I found didn’t star Wendy Lynn. It starred Gunilla Hutton as Nurse Goodbody. I figured that maybe Wendy Lynn was the original Nurse Goodbody and she left Hee Haw, because her spectacular beauty made all the cameras burst. I kept Googling, but couldn’t find anything that backed my guess up. Then my eyes landed on a post at Creating Balance from Judith who met Wendy Lynn at an event at Graceland. She was immediately hypnotized by Wendy Lynn’s presence (who isn’t?) and Wendy Lynn told her that she was Nurse Goodbody on Hee Haw. A couple of days later, Judith did a Google search and found out the same shit I found out: Wendy Lynn was never Nurse Goodbody!

I emailed a hee-haw expert that I found while searching, to ask her. She responded that Gunilla was the only Nurse Goodbody. Hee Haw’s 1st episode was in June of 1969. Gunilla first appeared in episode 13, in December of ’69. I checked the IMDB website, and there is no Wendy Lynn listed in any of the first 12 episodes.

Ms. Adams’ website says she was inducted into the Celebrity Hall of Fame in 1998. There is no such thing as a Celebrity Hall of Fame.

I found only one other reference to this Wendy Adams as Nurse Goodbody on this site where it says that she was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame in 1998. But there were only four 1998 inductees. Two of them included Tammy Wynette and Elvis Presley. And I’m pretty sure we did not meet Tammy Wynette on Sunday.

This site also gave a quote where Wendy claimed to be Elvis’ “prayer partner”. Um, ok. I’ll give her that one.

I have honestly spent hours on this. I can compare the feelings on this to when I found out there wasn’t a Santa Claus, and when I found out Delilah was not in Memphis, but a syndicated show out of California. (I’m still not over that one)

What I can’t get over, is that she visited my home church several times during that week, introducing herself as Nurse Goodbody. So this wasn’t a one-time introduction, or encounter with her at Graceland. She made this statement to a lot of people.

Maybe she was a stand-in? Maybe she was a back-up singer? IDK.

So what I do know about Wendy Lynn is that she’s a minister and tells everyone that she was Nurse Goodbody on Hee-Haw. Barbara Walters needs to stop calling herself a journalist, because she failed as a journalist when she didn’t make Wendy Lynn the Most Fascinating Person of Every Year!

Pics: Wenn.com

Australia should always be proud, because they gave the world Kath & Kim and turned California diamond Brynne Edelsten into a star, but they should feel extra, extra proud today. Two of Australia’s classiest citizens were caught by a Google street cam doing it doggy style on a silver BMW. The beer really is the crown jewel of this picture. You can still see it on Google Maps if you click here and go to “street view.” If Google eventually kills the party by taking it down, (NSFW) click here to see them in all their whorey glory. You really can’t spell heroes without HOS. It’s times like this that make me wish I was Australian. That picture should really be Australia’s new flag.

Source: Reddit and Hypervocal via Buzzfeed

On the right is Michelle Williams after Edward Scissorhands did her up and on the left is an emo guinea pig who would care about Michelle stealing its look, but it’s too busy crying and dying on the inside.

Like I even need to ask who won this Hair Battle Spectacular. Michelle Williams TRIED IT and she can use those ode to Robert Smith hanging pieces to floss her top teeth or pick her nose if she doesn’t want to use her finger, but the emo guinea pig has this now and forever. If you’re going to work the emo guinea pig haircut, you have to at least look like you’re on the verge of crying tears of infinite sadness and that your life is a never-ending Smiths song. Michelle Williams is smiling! That ruins everything. But really, when are celebrities (I’m also talking to your ass too, Justin Bieber) going to realize that the emo guinea pig haircut only works when you’re an emo guinea pig!

Emo guinea pig, you won this round like you win all those rounds. Although, I doubt you care, so just shrug and go back to painting your guinea pig nails black.

Here’s Michelle, Kelly Bensimon, Giada De Laitstooearlyformetogooglethecorrectspellingofhername, Kate Mara and Maggie Gyllenhaal at the launch of Kate Young for Target in NYC last night.

The world isn’t right unless “Leather Queen” by the Mary Jane Girls blasts out of someone’s car whenever Justin Theroux and his 24-year-old hipster little brother Sebastian strut their leather-covered asses down the street.

Here’s Justin and his brother Sebastian in NYC yesterday looking like the kind of bikers who always carry a small cordless flat iron and a tiny jar of pomade in their pockets, because the wind is a bitch and always knocks their locks out of place. I’d like to think that Justin and Sebastian strapped on their leather jackets to pay tribute to the fallen leather gay bar Rawhide. Their tribute isn’t complete unless at least one of them is wearing a studded leather jock strap and a sphincter ring. (Tip of the hour: Don’t check Google images for “sphincter piercing.”)