The entire atmosphere nearly exploded due to massive amounts of awkward tension on Sunday when Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie Jolie ALMOST got on the same exact British Airways flight from LAX to London. The flight attendant who worked First Class on that flight is hating life, because think of all the coins they could’ve made from the blurry cell phone video of St. Angie throwing soul-killing glares at Aniston as Aniston swallows her 12th mini bottle of tequila whole while Googling to see if the hemp tea bags she brought with her are smokeable.

E! News says someone at British Airways told Jennifer Aniston’s people that St. Angie was booked in First Class on the same flight to Heathrow as her. Aniston’s people immediately moved her to a flight on Monday. Yeah, so St. Angie took her man and then took her flight eight years later! Shameless ass hussy whore! E! also says that when Brad and Jennifer were still together, they used to stay at this one fancy hotel in London all the time. Both of them got the hotel in the divorce and Brad still stays there with St. Angie whenever they’re in London as does Jennifer. This time around, both St. Angie and Jennifer chose to stay at a different hotel. So that obviously means they didn’t want to run into each other at the ice machine down the hallway.

Jen’s spokeswhore tells Gossip Cop that this story is a lie. UsWeekly says that this story might be true, because Jennifer did change her flight from Sunday to Monday. CNN says, “Story developing!”

Google Images tells me that a First Class seat on British Airways is bigger than a Manhattan studio apartment and more private than most dorm rooms, so I doubt these two would’ve even seen each other. And even if they did, they probably wouldn’t give a shit. But you know, since Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are slowly morphing into the same physical body and almost look exactly the same, St. Angie wouldn’t have been able to control her urges and she would’ve pounced on Jennifer. Then the two would’ve scissored in the lavatory. That’s all.

Here’s Jen strolling through LAX on Monday. Those rolled pants and sneakers are killing me not-so-softly.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Since Shark Week isn’t compete without a visit from 2013’s comeback king and queen, Steve Sanders and Tara Reid of Sharknado, they were both on Discover Channel’s late-night live show Shark After Dark last night. The original Hollywood train wreck proved once again that Taradise was killed off way too soon, because this mess is best when she’s rambling out some jacked up shit that makes your brain cells want to commit suicide. Tara took her appearance on Shark After Dark extremely seriously and she did some important research so she wouldn’t sound stupid. (Side note: If Tara Reid Googled, “How does Tara Reid keep from sounding stupid,” she would’ve learned that the only answer is, “She keeps her mouth shut.”)

During her research adventures, Tara learned that the whale shark exists in the ocean. When Tara asked herself, “Whale sharks: How do they work?”, her answer was that when a whale and a shark fall in love, they swim off to the darkest part of the ocean and consummate their love by doing lines off of each other’s sex parts before doing it bareback-style. Nine months later, one of them gives birth to a whale shark! Makes total sense, right?

Well, when Tara kept doing more search, she learned the real truth and it nearly blew the vodka out of her ears. Warming Glow transcribed it all:

Tara Reid: Today I was like, “I don’t wanna, like, really sound stupid when I do this show today.” So I learned a little education on sharks. So I look up sharks on the Internet and I’m, like, “WHALE SHARKS… so that must be when a whale and a shark have sex.’ Then I think “Well, how does a whale and a shark have sex?” And then I looked it up…

Host: Was there a video of it?

Tara Reid: No, but there’s a thing called whale sharks, so I thought they must, you know … And then I realized that whales are mammals and sharks are animals, so they have nothing to do with each other…

Ian Ziering: You ever see a tiger shark?

Tara Reid: [undeterred] … so, basically, the dolphins have sex with each other, but the sharks don’t, so I thought, “Then how is it such a thing?” But the difference is the whale shark is the biggest shark in the ocean, but it’s also scary, and then you have the Great White and it’s all … there’s like 400 types of sharks. But the whale shark is kinda interesting because … [mumbles]

Host: I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.

The look on Steve Sanders’ face as Tara Reid rambles out some fuckery about whale sharks is everything.

Who knew that current day Tara Reid is just like 5-year-old me. When I was younger, I really thought that cats were girls and dogs were boys and kittens were their daughters and puppies were their sons. The day I found out the truth, my mind blew the same way Tara Reid’s mind blew. And yes, that day happened last week.

via Gawker

A few days ago, a supposed peen-loving Hollywood leading man, put on a mask and peeked out the closet door when he posted a note on Reddit Confessional about what it’s like being a closeted movie star with a beard girlfriend.

I’m a well known American film actor and I’m a closeted homosexual.

I will not reveal who I’ve worked with or what I’ve starred in obviously, as I don’t want to be identified. I love my career, and I know I would lose my leading man status if I ever came out. I feel terribly guilty about many different things.

First of all, I feel like I’m misleading my fans. I know a lot of women watch my movies to watch me, and part of that is fantasy, and I feel like it’s all based on a lie. They do a lot market analysis in Hollywood. I get told about which demographics I do well with, and I feel like I’m misleading so many people, or letting them down. I am dating another well known personality, and we’ve been publicly together for a while now. I know she expects to get married, the press expect us to get married, but of course this would be a great disservice to her. Truth be told I think she knows. She is a wonderful woman and a wonderful person and I don’t deserve someone as loving and trusting in my life, and I truly do love her, but I’m not in love with her, and sex with her, despite her beauty, is difficult for me.

I also feel terribly guilty because I know there are so many gay kids out there and I feel like by not coming out, and not providing that public display of being gay and being successful I’m letting them down. Public figures like Ellen DeGeneres coming out when I was younger made a huge difference to me, and I feel like I should be paying it forward, but I’m too afraid of my whole life being ruined.

I’ve only told a few people. I’ve been with two men since my career has started. Both have been, thankfully, very discrete. My two best friends from before I became mainstream know, and have been supportive. I’ve told two gay actors who have come out because I trusted they would keep it to themselves, having been in the same position. They were comforting and told me to do what I needed to do, but it didn’t assuage my guilt at all. I tested the water with my agent, who basically told me “Faggots don’t make it in this town,” and then went on to basically explain that he would never represent a gay man because the effort versus the money just makes it not worth it to him. It frankly terrifies me. I just wanted to get it out there.

Dude also said in the comments under his post that his agent won’t let him come somersaulting out of the closet, because his agent is big shit in Hollywood and he needs a big agent for his career to keep climbing up. He thinks his beard might know that he’s thinking about humping a giant peen when he’s humping her, but he doesn’t want to break up with her, because he’s afraid the tabloids will look deeper into his personal life if he does.

So basically, this dude is American, a big movie star and is dating a famous chick. Yeah, this is probably some fanfiction shit written by a crazed Ryan Gosling fan, but I’ve got nothing better to do than guess. I could give my stank-smelling dog a dry bath or take my car to the gas station car wash or scream at Time Warner and those whores at CBS for keeping me away from Ray Donovan, but I’ll throw out guesses for this probably fake blind item instead.

It’s not Ryan Gosling, because he’s Canadian a Google search tells me that his agent is a woman. It’s not George Clooney, because nobody expects him to put a wedding ring on his finger. It’s not Will Smith, Channing Tatum or Ben Affleck, because they’re all married. That leaves Bradley Cooper! Or maybe this is John Travolta writing as his 20-something self?

In case you want to see Lindsay Lohan’s bare tits in The Canyons, here’s Lindsay Lohan’s bare tits in The Canyons. The good news is that unlike her face in that movie, her chichis don’t look meth-ey. And now I’m off to Google “chichis of meth.” – Drunken Stepfather

John Travolta is not impressed by Prince George’s birth certificate, because on all of his children’s birth certificate, he wrote “High Bridge Princess of Scientology” next to occupation – Lainey Gossip

Cheyenne Jackson explains his pornstache and the tattoo that looks like it was made with a hot needle and a BIC pen – Towleroad

Selena Gomez looks like she’s wearing one of En Vogue’s old outfits from the 90s – Hollywood Tuna

Chris Rock really does make wishes come true – The Superficial

Happy Feel Bad About Not Working Out In A Million Months While Looking At These Hot Ass Bodies Day to me! – The Berry

Simon Cowell’s knocked up piece has her fingers around Heather Mills’ gold digging queen crown – Celebitchy

BREAKING NEWS: Vanessa Hudgens isn’t dressed like a lot lizard from the 90s for once – Popoholic

Mel Gibson’s heart now belongs to Amanda from Big Brother, because this super cut of all the fuckery that has come out of her mouth is porn to him – Reality Tea

Brit Brit’s shirt is obviously referring to bags of Cheetos. Or Frapps. Or auto-tune machines. – SOW

Goodbye to Gabe at Videogum, one of my favorites. No, he’s not dead. He’s just going off to another job. – Videogum

Katy Perry burns up her Teenage Dream era and welcomes her The Craft Emo shit era – Just Jared

For why is Nick Jonas wearing a shirt? – I’m Not Obsessed

The entire peroxide industry thanks Gwen Stefani’s family for keeping them alive – Popsugar

I guess endless amounts of coke and a pile of money made Capri Anderson forget the time Charlie Sheen dropped his cracked out rage on her in a NYC hotel room – ICYDK

In other words, every white actor in Hollywood is up for Batman – IDLYITW

I take back what I said about the video of the Twisted Sisters being the 8th color of the rainbow. THIS is the 8th color of the rainbow. Shit, this IS the rainbow and I’m sure every Claymate is tasting that rainbow by licking the screen.

Here’s the number one reason “How do I get dried coochie cream out of mom jeans?” is the most searched question on Google amongst the Claymates this week. Clay Aiken is twirling and spinning and putting ginger-flavored sugar on your eyes in this promo picture for Ogunquit Playhouse’s production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. That’s not a recycled Sears Portrait Studio background behind clay, those are the stars and crystals that spray out of his ginger flower when he spins and twirls in a rainbow coat. Make whores moist by working that wig and those Joan Crawford brows, Clay.

My credit card is so confused. It doesn’t know if it wants to use itself to buy a plane ticket to Maine to see Clay in this glittery extravagaynza, the Golden Girls dollhouse or Amanda Palmer’s used glass dildo?

via WOW Report

Seen above making a “What is that creature and how soon can I have it turned into a shrug?” face, Sharon Stone showed up to a screening for Lovelace at MoMA in NYC last night. Sharon plays porn legend Linda Lovelace’s mother and since the movie is about the making of Deep Throat, Vulture asked her if she’s ever seen it. The mainstream soft-core queen of the 90s almost ran to Claire’s and bought a pair of pearls to clutch, because she was shocked by the question:

She hadn’t seen Deep Throat prior to making Lovelace, she told us at a Cinema Society screening last night. (“Why would I?”) And she hasn’t seen it since. “I have never seen a pornographic film,” she added. Seriously? “Yes.”

Why would she?! Why wouldn’t she?! Sharon Stone is trying to tell me that she’s had fake onscreen sex with almost every actor in the 90s, but she’s never watched a fuck film? Sharon is like me the time I got caught watching porn at work. I switched to a spreadsheet and said, “Porn? I don’t even know what that is!” If only I could morph into a Komodo Dragon and bite Sharon’s lying tongue.

Vulture then asked Peter Sarsgaard, who plays Chuck Traynor in Lovelace, if he’s ever watched porn. Since he’s that fancy bitch who probably asks to speak to the tea sommelier when he goes to a restaurant, he spit out some fanciness:

“The only kind of pornography that has ever held an interest for my mind, for any length of time — because pornography by its very nature is kind of just momentary — is Scandinavian pornography. It’s always very beautiful. They filmed it, and they had a kind of flair. I remember seeing … I think her name was Seka. She wouldn’t have sex very much, it would all just be kind of like, Seka, being awesome. Very shabby-chic, also. Yeah, kind of like, fairy. Shabby-chic fairy.

It’s old, so it feels okay to watch. [Laughs.] Because I think a lot of pornography now is just so brutal, unbelievably brutal. And I know it probably was back in the time that I have a memory of it being not brutal, in its own way it is. But now it’s like, so obvious that it’s not — I don’t know what it’s for. There’s not too many people making love doing porn these days.”

When I Googled “Scandinavian porn,” I got a picture of a chick doing a guy with her hand and a dildo. Yeah, a dildo and not a lutefisk. I was disappointed too.

What is with these people and porn?! I’m sure that late last night, Peter Sarsgaard went into the bathroom and fapped to Brazzers on his iPad. He did it on a bathroom rug from Ikea, so that practically makes it a sensual Scandinavian experience.

Pics: Splash