During a press conference for her soon-to-be Galaxy National Book Award-winning “novel” In The Name Of Love, Now Magazine asked the pride of Britain Katie Price what is the rudest thing she’s ever done in the name of love. If Katie Price wanted to spit out some honesty for the first time in her entire life, she would’ve said the time she got into a stunt marriage with Alex Reid to fulfill her love for her true soulmate: FAME. But instead, Katie told reporters about the time she Grey Goose’d her cross-dressing, MMA-fighting ex-husband. If you’re sucking on the tip of a vodka bottle or having butt sex right now, you might not want to read the rest. Because reading it will ruin both of those acts for you. This is the shit that came out of Katie’s mouth when asked about the rudest thing she’s done for love:

“I fucked Alex up the arse with a vodka bottle.”

Did we not learn anything from 1 Guy, 1 Jar?! Do NOT Google that unless you want your insides to die and fall out of your ass (you could be into that, I don’t know).

So Katie basically gave Alex a vodka enema. Big deal. Who hasn’t given themselves a vodka enema after they’ve had their wisdom teeth pulled out and the dentist told them they can’t drink booze orally for a few days? We’ve all done it. If Katie really wanted to tell the reporters some fucked up shit she’s done during sex, she should’ve told them about the time she gave Dane Bowers a pedicure with her twat.

It’s not going to be Hoda Kotb or Meredith V or my personal choice Willard Scott. Savannah Guthrie will sit on the co-anchor chair that will have a revenge fart from Ann Curry on it. Savannah’s the one all the way to the right who’s giving that dried green paint some competition in the no personality contest.

TMZ says that Savannah’s deal to be Today’s new co-host is signed, sealed and awaiting delivery. Today isn’t announcing her as the new co-host until they wrap shit up with Ann Curry. Ann has two years left on her $30 million 3-year contract and she wants the full $20 million to go away. NBC has offered her $10 million and a job as a foreign correspondent for NBC News, but Ann is shaking her head no to that shit deal. Ann is fucking done professionally with NBC and wants to leave the network for good. Ann wants her $20 million and nothing else.

Ann needs to put her hands around that NBC peacock’s betraying bitch of a neck and not let go until that whore coughs up all $20 million. I had this customer service job once and one of my co-workers got fired for being a bitch to the customers. Did I mention that I loved her so? Well, when they pink-slipped her ass they told her she needed to come back the next day to sign some exit papers and pick up her last check. This bitch refused to sashay out the exit door until they put her last check in her hands. She sat on her chair, hugged her pocketbook and quietly talked shit to herself about her supervisors and the job. I played Mimi’s “Hero” on a loop on my computer speakers. The bosses eventually gave in and gave her the check. That’s what Ann needs to do. Sit in her chair and tell those bitches her legs aren’t going to work until they drop $20 million into her checking account.

And about Savannah as the new co-host…. I was hoping if it wasn’t going to be Hoda or Tamron Hall, it would be Natalie Morales. But I guess that would be awkward, because when I Googled “Natalie Morales Matt Lauer” this came up:

But then again, when I Googled “Savannah Guthrie Matt Lauer” this came up:

And “Ann Curry Matt Lauer“:

And this (no, that is definitely not sloppily ‘Shopped to shit, shut up):

So I guess if NBC wanted a co-host who hasn’t been winked at by Matt Lauer’s peen, there only option would be Al Roker. I think.

When you go to the Vatican, there’s a sign that tells you to cover up your knees and shoulders or a gang of altar boys will drag you into a room where Mad Mel Gibson will scream at you to blow him for an hour. The walls of the Sistine Chapel don’t want to be covered in sin from being exposed to your bare knees and bare shoulders, because:

Child rape: meh.

Bare shoulders and bare knees: Blasphemoso!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Note: Google Translation tells me “bestemmiare” is Italian for blasphemy, but that just doesn’t have the dramatic effect I was looking for.)

But rules are rules and apparently, Jennifer Aniston only followed half of the rules when she and Justin continued their European photo-op tour by visiting Vatican City yesterday. When a tour guide took Jen and Justin to the Basilica, she covered her shoulders but kept her knees out. This led The Daily Mail to ask the extremely important question: “Did the Vatican bend the rules for Jennifer?” No, the Vatican didn’t bend the rules for Jen’s knees. Jen is just a badass motherfucking rebel now that she’s with the baddest dude in Bel Air. They break rules, that’s just what they do. But seriously…

I went to the Vatican at Christmas times and unfortunately I didn’t see Lucifer show himself through exposed knee caps, but I did see some hotter shit. There were these two really trashy and really glamorous “in a Juicy Couture sweatsuits with heels kind of way” tourists shoving through the crowd in front of the giant nativity scene to get to the front. They shoved at me, I shoved at them and then one of them actually shouted, “Get the fuck out of the way, I want to see the Baby Jesus!” Baby Jesus has been gifted with gold, frankincense and myrrh, but the greatest gift he ever got was the gift of the fuck word from two pieces of trash.

Time now once again for Lindsay Lohan: Shit Is Fucked. TMZ is reporting that LiLo was found unconscious this morning in her Marina Del Ray hotel room after one of her pink bag carriers couldn’t wake her ass up. Someone in her circle of mess phoned the medics not realizing that this is just what LiLo refers to as “Friday morning” and not a cause for alarm. Lohan’s pink bag of secrets was due for its weekend refill, and LiLo was just making a little room in it via her pill hole (aka her mouth) last night. Ain’t no thing!

The official (coke) party line is that she’s been working two days non-stop on her televised desecration of Liz Taylor’s memory, so she’s real tired.

The EMTs showed up, thought “this bitch…”, roused her ass, and left. Lohan wasn’t taken to the hospital and she’s already back on the set of Liz and Dick. Thinking Lohan had finally tapped out, Elizabeth Taylor’s ghost had ascended to a higher plane of existence. She is now reportedly back on set, furious over Lindsay surviving, and plotting to possess a Lifetime intern into putting a live cobra in the pink bag.

If all this bullshit is just Lindsay doing some DIY marketing for her Lifetime comedy, it’s pretty good. I would much rather read about her almost dying several times than take a cheesy online quiz to figure out which of the Army Wives I’m most like. Answer – Kim Delaney. I drink.

Florida’s latest innovation: The bath-salt-sniffing flesh-eating Zombie scout. – Fujicat

Runners-up:

In this deleted “Castaway” scene, Tom Hanks passes time by building his own Google Earth vehicle to map out the island. – perky

Finally, someone higher than Matthew McConaughey. – Spkheller

via Break

FINALLY! Those Magic Mike hos realized that what’s really going to sell this Showgirls with floppy dicks mess isn’t a stupid plot nobody cares about or a dumb ass annoying girl, it’s oiled up man ass. (Side Whisper: Why, hello there, John Travolta. I know you’re here since you have “oiled up man ass” in your Google alerts.) Press the mute button on this shit unless you really want a side of RiRi’s goat yodel with your man ass. Then hit pause at 0:10 to see Alex Pettyfer’s ass, then again at 0:12 to see Matt Boner face hump a lady, then again at 0:31 to see Pettyfer pout with both lips, then again at 0:46 to see a shadow of Big Dick Richie’s prosthetic peen, then again at 0:52 to see some Texas T-Rex ass and finally hit the double lines at 0:54 for Channing Tatum’s sideways smile. If you need me, I’ll be trying to find a way to make holograms of all those screen grabs to put under the lid of my coffin.

via Queerty