Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson, two of the yodeling twinks from One Direction, went surfing in Australia today and while they were breaking their little asses on the waves, one of their crazed fans climbed up to their hotel balcony and snatched a pair of Liam’s red chonies that were drying outside. Right after Liam tweeted about it, the panty snatcher got caught by his bodyguard and avoided getting a visit from the police by giving him his panties back. It’s okay, she got what she wanted anyway. I’m sure she already stole a pube from his panties and is going to use it to clone him. The crazy bitch probably Googled, “How to get pregnant from a pubic hair.”

And seriously, what kind of crazy trick ILLEGALLY sneaks onto a privacy balcony to ILLEGALLY steal a pair of panties (says the crazy trick who’d probably risk getting electrocuted to death by walking on a power line to get to a pair of dirty silver silk panties drying on Anderson Cooper’s fire escape.)

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Kim Kartrashian is back from flashing her smashed tit balls all over Paris and she celebrated her return by posting a new picture of North West on Instagram. In the first picture of North West that Kanye shared with public eyes, she looked like she was reaching out for help and screaming “Ayúdame!” with her eyes. In this picture, Baby North looks like a traumatized Glo Worm who’s been strapped in a baby straitjacket swaddle and laid on a polar bear rug. Since this is Kim and Kanye’s baby, I’m sure that’s a custom-made Givenchy bandage wrap and every newborn of the 1% will be working one in a few years.  North West is that forward and that ahead. The NO ARMS look will be the look in six years.

Or maybe North West is wrapped in baby Spanx. I would Google to see if baby Spanx is really a thing, but I don’t feel like numbing my brain by smoking crack after finding out that it is a real thing that exists. It’s too early for that.

Christie Sims, the next E.L. James (hell, I think she’s the next Mark Twain) who is the literary genius behind such dino-porn classics as Taken By The Pterodactyl and Ravished By The Triceratops. Yes, Christie Sims writes dinosaur erotica for sick whores who love nothing more than to do themselves with a plastic T-Rex doll while reading about a triceratops fucking a cave woman. What are you doing with your life?

Before we get into Christie Sims’ literary masterpieces, here’s what she wrote about herself on her Amazon page:

Hi! I’m just a plain old, everyday Midwestern girl that lives a normal life. However, while my outward tastes are relatively simple, my inner thoughts are filled with lusty thoughts of big, strong, powerful monsters having their way with beautiful maidens.

Almost all of my stories fall under the Monster Sex genre, and come from the inner desires that spring from my mind.

Thank you for looking at my author page and thank you for your support. I hope you enjoy these tales of beautiful maidens exploring their lust for these powerful creatures as much as I had writing them.

Oh yeah, Christie Sims is just a plain, old everyday Midwestern girl who passes off a stock picture of some random low-budget Pamela Anderson-looking bikini model as her own picture (that’s so not her) and writes about raptors sticking their raptor peens into human women. Just an old-fashioned girl!

Laura at Jezebel was browsing the classic American authors section of her local library when she came across Christie’s short fuck story In The Velociraptor’s Nest. Laura shared this piece and it kind of reads like something out of Courtney Stodden’s diary.

Azog stood, back to the wall, clad only in damp buckskins, waiting for the beast to slash at her torso until she lay helpless and bleeding on the damp cave floor. She wondered if it would kill her first, or if her limbs would be sliced from her body as the beast gorged on her.

Instead, it reached out with a classed hand to snatch at her damp animal hide as it clung to one shoulder. Azog felt the kiss of sharp claws against her skin as the hide slid from her shoulder and exposed on naked, heaving breast. The raptor paused, curious, sniffing at her as she pressed desperately against the wall.

A reptilian tongue, stiff and hot, dashed out to lick at the tender, naked flesh so suddenly exposed. Azog gasped at the touch, then gradually relaxed as her body warmed to the intoxicating sensation of the beast’s flesh against her own.

She wasn’t sure if her sudden arousal was because of her earlier thwarted climax in the cool stream, or if she was just desperate for one last pleasant sensation before being torn limb from limb by the great, scaly beast. Either way, Azog relished the rasp of its tongue, hot and rough, on her sensitive skin.

If you’re hard for more of this Fifty Shades Of Dino Jizz mess, Bad Lit Makes The World Go Round has a piece from Christie’s Ravished by the Triceratops and read at your own risk, because there’s talk of triceratop foreskin.

Christie isn’t only an accomplished author who should win a Pulitzer for turning (WARNING: clicking that link will either scar every part of your brain or it will give you the sudden urge to fuck a pterodactyl beak) pterodactyl porn into a work of literary art, she also has serious MS Paint skills.

Dear Hollywood, please do something right for once and get Steven Spielberg to direct 3D IMAX movie versions of all of these novels. Matthew McConaughey was born to play the title role in T-Rex Troubles.

And Christie’s books are also highly educational, because I didn’t know that Fredrick’s of Hollywood and Rainbow existed in prehistoric times.

Seen above looking like they’re on the cover of a hardcore gay frond porn about three power bottom brothers who are taking over the world six dicks at a time, The Jonas Brothers were asked by Out Magazine how they feel about the rumors that at least one of them gets the ass twitches for hard peen. That picture, Kevin’s new wave poodle hair and the fact that they all look like they’re squinting hard while getting DP’d are adding ten gallons of fuel on the rumors, but they say that they love pussy more than they love Jesus.

Joe: We have a lot of gay friends and gay fans. It’s a boy band stereotype; people assume, but we don’t take offense.

Nick: Prior to us being a band, I was a super theater geek. I loved theater and I still do, and I care about fashion, and I care about a lot of things that I feel like stereotypes are attached to.

Joe: [Being in ‘Out’] is a moment for us for sure. We keep saying, ‘Well, it’s about time.’

I guess Out didn’t include Kevin’s response, because they didn’t know how to properly put his “whistling, shifty eye movements and nail biting” into words.

Phoebe Price (Sweet 16…in chicken years)
Google (15)
Avril Lavigne (29)
Anna Camp (31)
Lil Wayne (31)
Jason Wu (31)
Carrie Brownstein (39)
Gwyneth Paltrow (41)
Amanda Detmer (42)
Patrick Muldoon (45)
Alexis Stewart (48)
Stephan Jenkins (49)
Andy Lau (52)
Shaun Cassidy (55)
Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (63)
A Martinez (65)
Liz Torres (66)
Meat Loaf (66)
Wilford Brimley (79)
Jayne Meadows (93)

JLo would perform at the halftime show of every game on Dennis Rodman’s basketball diplomacy tour through North Korea if Kim Jong-un shoved enough money between her Cherpumple ass cheeks, so it wasn’t surprising that she performed at the birthday party of Turkmenistan’s president for millions of dollars. When many people splattered JLo with hate for performing for the dictator of a country with one of the worst human rights records, her people played dumb by saying that they didn’t know about Turkmenistan’s record and they couldn’t Google it, because Casper Smart was using their only laptop to entertain himself (aka spend hours on ManHub) while his sugar mami rehearsed.

During an interview with Cosmopolitan, JLo was asked about shaking her ass for a dictator. While petting the elephant ivory and black rhino eyeball ring she bought with the money she got for performing in Turkmenistan, JLo squirted out this response that was written by her damage control team:

“I know that being seen as a role model means taking responsibility for all my actions. I am human, and of course, sometimes I make mistakes. But I promise that when I fall, I get back up. When I am wrong, I will learn the lesson and move on to face other challenges. For me, that’s what creating your own life is. Doing your best work while being your best self.”

Stuart Smalley better better call his lawyers, because JLo stole one of his affirmations word for word. That’s a really good bullshit statement and JLo should use it again after she gets hate for being the headliner at Russia’s Anti-Gay Pride Parade and for being a judge on Syria’s Got Talent.

JLo continued to mouth fart out dingles from a bull’s ass when she talked about her relationship with Casper Smart:

“For me, it’s about having a great partner to walk this life with. I have my own high standards for what I want in a partner and how I want to be treated. I bring a lot to the table. I’m not talking about material things but what I have to offer as a person – love and loyalty and all the things that make a good relationship.”

Casper Smart would agree with JLo, but he hasn’t seen any of the love and loyalty she’s brought to the table and that’s probably because it’s hiding under a pile of money, non-disclosure agreements and solid gold rattles. And Casper also brings a lot to the table like dirty diapers and unpaid bills.

Here’s JLo with the Dragon Tales Twins at Disneyland on August 25th. Casper didn’t go, because the last time JLo took him to Disneyland, he cried on the Snow White ride and it ruined everybody’s day.

Pics: Splash