Yes, up until three seconds ago, I thought Clint Eastwood was the one who made that line sort of famous. And yes, up until three seconds ago, I also learned that Clint Eastwood and Charlton Heston are two different people. The more you Google, the more you know.

Over the summer, gold diggers who have trained in the art of seducing senile, old, rich coots grabbed their shovels and went to work when Clint Eastwood and Dina Eastwood announced that their marriage had a chalk outline around it. The news came a few months after Dina went to rehab for anxiety and the sads. TMZ says that Clint is giving Dina a couple more things to be anxious about, because he’s fighting her ass in their divorce battle. Dina is the one who filed for divorce and Clint recently filed his own papers shooting down her request for spousal support and full custody of their 16-year-old daughter Morgan. Clint asked the court to give him joint custody of Morgan and he doesn’t want to send Dina a monthly check. Radar adds that Clint and Dina have a prenup and they actually broke up a full year before they announced it.

Since they have a prenup, I’m sure Clint is giving Dina a house and/or a lump sum of cash for licking the liver spots on his dick and the dry spots on his balls for 17 years. If Dina signed a prenup that states that all she gets is the memories of Clint taking his teeth out before eating her out, then she is a pox on the house of gold diggers! But what’s worse is, if Clint doesn’t give her a pile of money, she’ll have to run off to E! and beg them to bring back her truly awful reality shit show. So please, give her a check, Clint. Your soulmate (aka that empty chair) wants you to do it. It told me so!

Well, one of my Christmas wishes was for Jinx Monsoon and Raven to play Mary Magdalene and Jesus in a disco Dynasty version of Jesus Christ Superstar and I guess this still is the closest I’m ever going to get to that.

On last night’s grand finale of The Voice (SPOILER ALERT: Someone whose album you’re not going to buy won), Lady CaCa and Xtina officially ended whatever cunt royale feud they were in by singing a duet of “Do What U Want” while trapped in some kind of bizarre Carrington mansion lesbionic fever dream.

There was so much screeching and grunting that it sounded like sketti night at Honey Boo Boo’s house or like John Travolta letting his growling Scientolohole loose on a bunch of unsuspecting massage therapists at a gay spa. But with that being said, I’d much rather hear Xtina sing this wreck of a song with Lady CaCa than R. Kelly. Because when R. Kelly sings “I could be the drink in your cup,” I have to pour 2 cups of boiling Clorox into my ear hole to erase the images of him saying that line while trolling a high school with nothing but a tarp and a full bladder. But when Xtina sings “…do what u want,” I just picture her serenading all the Bronzer sticks at the MAC Counter at Nordstrom. I’d much rather think about Xtina giving oral to a Bronzer stick…..

I’m torn and split my anus stitches about this campy disaster of a performance. On one hand, I’m into anything that looks like a reboot of Dynasty set in Eternia. On the other hand, Lady CaCa’s wig ruined this shit for me. She should’ve known to leave that hair on the wig head, because Jackie Rogers Jr., Ann Jillian and Agnetha from ABBA all worked it better than she ever could.

Yesterday, Shia LaDouche, the ingrown hair turned cyst on humanity’s nutsack, squirted out a short film he directed and wrote called HowardCantour.com on the Internet and almost immediately people started saying the same thing they say whenever Lady CaCa shits something new out: “You know, bitch, I’ve seen this before.” Shia’s movie was screened at Cannes in 2012, but he made it available to public eyes for the first time by putting it on Vimeo yesterday. Many noticed that Shia’s short film blatantly ripped off lines of dialogue and visuals from Justin M. Damiano, a 2007 comic written and drawn by famous graphic novelist Daniel Clowes. Shia doesn’t mention Clowes’ name anywhere in the credits, so he pulled a first degree Lohan by shamelessly thieving a ho. Daniel Clowes told Buzzfeed (via Vulture) yesterday that he’s never met Shia LaDouche (his nostrils would never forget that stench) and he was surprised that someone would blatantly take his work to FedEx Office, copy it and pass it off as his own.

“The first I ever heard of the film was this morning when someone sent me a link. I’ve never spoken to or met Mr. LaBeouf. I’ve never even seen one of his films that I can recall — and I was shocked, to say the least, when I saw that he took the script and even many of the visuals from a very personal story I did six or seven years ago and passed it off as his own work. I actually can’t imagine what was going through his mind.”

In an interview with the Chicago Tribune about his copy + paste job last year, LaDouche’s girlfriend at the time, Karolyn Pho, said that he’s a huge Clowes fan, so Shia knew Clowes’ work well.

After LaDouche got called out for his dumb bitch antics, his short film was taken off of Vimeo (you can still watch it here) and he started tweeting out an apology. Before he jumped on Twatter, Shia nervously sat there with gouda-scented sweat secreting out of the dirt holes in his face and he wondered what to write. So he Googled, “Apologize for plagiarizing: how to do it?” and up came a 4-year-old answer from Lili on Yahoo! Answers. Yes, this dumb bitch copied an answer from Yahoo! Answers. Here’s Shia’s apology:

Copying isn’t particularly creative work. Being inspired by someone else’s idea to produce something new and different IS creative work. In my excitement and naiveté as an amateur filmmaker, I got lost in the creative process and neglected to follow proper accreditation. Im embarrassed that I failed to credit @danielclowes for his original graphic novella Justin M. Damiano, which served as my inspiration. I was truly moved by his piece of work & I knew that it would make a poignant & relevant short. I apologize to all who assumed I wrote it. I deeply regret the manner in which these events have unfolded and want @danielclowes to know that I have a great respect for his work.

And here’s “Lili’s” answer to the question “Why did Picasso say ‘good artists copy but great artists steal’?”

Merely copying isn’t particularly creative work, though it’s useful as training and practice. Being inspired by someone else’s idea to produce something new and different IS creative work, and it may even revolutionalize the “stolen” concept.

This is hilarious. Shia can’t even plagiarize an apology from Yahoo! Answers right. I really hope that Shia apologizes to “Lili” by tweeting the lyrics to Brenda Lee’s “I’m Sorry.” An hour after Shia shat up that apology, he tweeted this:

I fucked up.

— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) December 17, 2013

SHIA STRIKES AGAIN! Get my lawyer, because that’s what I say every time I hit the “publish” button on one of my posts.

None of this is surprising since Shia has a history of snatching shit. Shia plagiarized his apology email to Alec Baldwin, he stole his look from a hitchhiking hobo grifter, he stole his neck beard styling from Madonna’s sascrotch and he stole his personality from a burned off pussy wart. Shia LaDouche’s “command” button can’t stop and won’t stop!

The sex toy Christmas tree from Milan!

My drunk ass was falling into a vodka-induced sleep coma while watching Saturday Night Live over the weekend when my ears got moist and I got the full-body tingles when I heard the words: SEX TOY CHRISTMAS TREE! During Weekend Update, they made fun of the glorious, beautiful and fuck-able Christmas tree that used to stand tall and erect in downtown Milan, Italy until some orgasm-hating whores demanded that it be taken down because…children.

The NYDN says that Italian sex toy website MySecretCase decorated a Christmas tree with a bunch of fancy and exquisite vibrators and dildos, because the store owner Norma Rossetti wanted people to see the clit tinglers as normal, everyday items that shouldn’t be hid in the back a bottom drawer. Norma says she chose vibrators that were elegant and didn’t look like rubber dicks. But bitches still complained and officials ordered Norma to take the fuck toys off of the tree. Norma did what they said, but started a petition to save the tree.

Two things: I was a little disappointed when I Googled “Milan sex toy Christmas tree” after watching SNL, because I expected to see a tree made of double-sided dildos and decorated with anal bead garland and a rubber pussy topper. But I guess if I want to see a tree like that I just have to visit the Scientology Celebrity Centre any day of the week. Also, sluts in Milan must have serious restraint, because if that tree was in NYC or L.A., those expensive ass vibrators would be snatched up in more ways than one. Hos would either steal those vibrators or fuck ’em right on the tree.

Save the sex toy Clitmas tree!

If you’re still wondering what to get for the “this-close-to-being-a-hoarder-about-it” doll lover in your life or that asshole in your family you’re willing to spend any amount of money on to creep the fuck out, may I present this exquisite, albeit confusing doll of Prince George. Created by artist Fiorenza Biancheri, the doll retails for $149.99, is 20 inches long with a 30-inch replica of the royal christening gown and looks absolutely nothing like George.

The Bradford Exchange (via E! News) doesn’t seem concerned that the doll is an exact replica of HRH Prince You Tried.

According to the website, “each realistic detail of this gorgeous royal Prince royal baby doll is exquisitely hand-painted to perfectly highlight his delicate features.”

“Strong demand is anticipated for this royal baby doll, so don’t delay,” reads the Bradford Exchange site. “Order now!”

Of course there will be high demand! Marie Osmond has most likely pre-ordered one for every member of her family and that is a lot of fucking dolls. I’m waiting for a Groupon to get Michael K one because he already said he thinks the eyebrows are beauteous. That really goes without saying, given the artist obviously took them straight from any Google image of Pam Anderson.

If the Bradford Exchange had any sense, they would have let Daniel Edwards, sculptor of the (NSFW-ish) Katherine-Heigl-as-Britney birth statue handle the Prince George doll. It still wouldn’t have looked a damn thing like George, but at least there is a strong possibility Daniel would have at least thrown pics of Prince William and Duchess Kate into one of those virtual “What Will Your Baby Look Like” sites. The doll then would at least have Will’s nose and his mother’s gray hair instead of his mother’s original nose and his father’s hair.

(Pic: The Bradford Exchange)

That’s “not right” in Spanish. Thank you, Google translate; my high school self wishes she’d known you.

Brit Brit gave an interview to Univision’s Despierta América (via HuffPo) wherein she swings for the fences in a really ‘clueless about culture’ way that some people are saying is borderline racist-y. If any of you teach a master class in “Oh no, please stop talking. Fuck fuck fuck she’s still talking” this interview should be Lesson 1:

At 1:21 – We start out strong with a quote that sounds like it was said by Mayella from To Kill A Mockingbird. When asked what she likes most about Latinos, she says:

“I think it’s very sexy. I’ve always loved Latinos. They make me think of the typical ‘bad boy’ type that your father wouldn’t let you go out with.”

EEEESH. All the shirt collars in the world just got bacon-neck from us nervously tugging at them with our index fingers.

At 1:58 – Britney attempts to speak Spanish. The only languages I understand are English, French, and the broken-static that comes from the Jack-in-the-Box drive-thru speakers, so I have NO clue if what Britney is doing here is speaking Spanish or doing the Hispanic version of ching-chang-chong or suffering from a brain aneurysm. Either way, it feels like about an 8 on the No Está Bien scale.

At 2:16 – Finally, she wraps up her Latin interview with “Ciao, bella” kiss-fingers, which is…an Italian thing.

Oh Britney.