First of all, Happy New Year to all! I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful holiday and that whoever you kissed at midnight didn’t give you mouth herpes.

Let’s just dive right into an excerpt from Cameron Diaz’s The Body Book (via Radar) from the “In Praise of Pubes” section because who doesn’t want to keep the nausea going past the first of the year? YOU’RE WELCOME.

“I hear that there’s a big fad these days of young women undergoing laser hair removal on all of their lady bits,” Diaz writes. “… Personally, I think permanent laser hair removal sounds like a crazy idea. Forever? I know you may think you’ll be wearing the same style of shoes forever and the same style of jeans forever, but you won’t. The idea that vaginas are preferable in a hairless state is a pretty recent phenomenon, and all fads change, people.”

Then — fair warning — Diaz gets a little graphic. “Pubic hair also serves as a pretty draping that makes it a little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness,” Diaz intones. “Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer. Also, let’s be honest: just like every other part of your body, your labia major is not immune to gravity. Do you really want a hairless vagina for the rest of your life?”

She continues, “It’s a personal decision, but I’m just putting it out there: Consider leaving your vagina fully dressed, ladies. Twenty years from now, you will still want to be presenting it to someone special, and it would be nice to let him or her unwrap it like the gift that it is.”

Cameron, Cameron, Cameron. Unless you have some seriously mutant pube shit happening, vaginas ARE hairless because that’s the part on the inside. I’m all for anybody doing their bush up however they please- Brazilian, landing strip, shaving everything but the bikini line so it looks like sideburns, or a full-on Afro Circus getup complete with rainbow colors; I. Don’t. Care. But if you’re going to wax poetic about something like that, at least get your terminology right. Thanks a fucking lot for the imagery of sagging puss lips, too. Do they have a version of kegels for the outside? I’m uh… asking for a friend.

If you’re still with me (and haven’t gone to Google that labia kegel thing and if you have, please email me for purely scientific purposes), the last part of what Cameron wrote sounds like it belongs on an abstinence pamphlet at a parochial school. No offense, Cammy, but I definitely want my bush whacked back a little when I “present my gift” to that special someone and by “special someone”, I mean whoever has the misfortune of getting an upskirt shot when I fall off my barstool on Friday night.

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Because every Jersey Shore whore is contractually obligated to spawn a cast member for the reboot of Jersey Shore is 2033, JWoww’s got a growing guidoling growing in her womb. Right after JWoww Googled the question “Do I have to stop Botoxing my vagina if I’m pregnant?”  she announced on her website that she’s currently knocked up with the plot for the next season of her shitty reality show with Snooki.

Merry Christmas from within! Roger and I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas gift this year! We wanted to share this exciting news with you all first because you have been a part of our lives these past few years and seen the love between Roger and me develop and blossom. We are so excited to share this new chapter of our lives with you as we become parents and create more memories with a new addition to our family! Thank you for all your love and support and for being there for us throughout the years! We are extremely happy and cannot wait for our bundle of joy to arrive!
Happy holidays from our growing family to yours!
Love,
Jenni, Roger and Baby Mathews

JWoah (as Joey from Blossom calls her) got engaged to the tattooed bag of orange muscles that is Roger Matthews last year. JWoww will birth out the third Jersey Shore child. Pauly D made a surprise baby this year and Snooki had a son last year.

When we all found out that Snooki was going to be somebody’s mother, I figured that she’d give birth to her baby in a men’s bathroom stall at Karma, trade him in for a kamikaze shot and keep on partying and fucking. But Snooki shocked us all by not being a shitty mother. It’s still a scientific mystery that the world didn’t split into two when Snooki’s son turned one without at least one visit from CPS. I don’t know what kind of mom JWoww will be, but I do know that she’ll raise a truly elegant child. JWoww and Roger will teach their kid the importance of over-plucking and she’ll teach it how to properly work a Spandex onesie with cutouts.

Here’s Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe and her husband Rodger Berman looking like two 1960s hippies who stole a child out of a suburban house and drove to Northern California to raise it with their cult. That baby is either weirded out by just being born or he doesn’t know where to look since to the right is Rodger’s Partridge Family hair part and to the left is Chupa!

On Sunday, Chupa’s weight dropped back down to 5 pounds and 3 ounces when she birthed out a 7 pound boy. Thank GOD Chupa didn’t give her hair person and her mortician the holiday off, because they were there to paint her face and get her chupacabra beautiful for this picture with Rodger and her new son. Chupa tweeted this little note with the picture:

Meet the newest member of our family, Kaius Jagger

They plan on calling him Kai. I Googled to see if Kaius means anything and apparently it means: “Rachel Zoe made that shit up.” This is why you should never watch Pacific Rim while you’re knocked up and looking for baby names. You might end up naming your kid Kaius Jagger. Chupa and Roger’s oldest son is named Skyler and they call him Sky. Sky and Kai! That sounds like the name of twin Asian DJs who are the second most popular DJs in Ibiza during off-season. Sky and Kai also sounds like the name of the best friends of the protagonist in a Young Adult sci-fi novel that takes place in a world made entirely of water.

Since Chupa calls Sky “Sky Sky” all the time, I’m sure she’ll call Kai “Kai Kai.” And if you’re fluent in draganese, you know “kai kai” means “two drag queens bumping taints.” I take back all the bitter, bitchy things I said about the name Kaius Jagger. Kai Kai is a brilliant baby name!

Brad Pitt is in 12 Years A Slave for about 5 fast minutes, but it’s his face and Michael Fassbender’s face that are the stars of the movie’s posters in Italy. Tumblr user Carefree Black Girl is in Italy and says that the posters for 12 Years A Slave make the movie seem like it’s a BRAD PITT MOVIE! She wrote this (via Vulture):

I was at the movies the other day ( I live in Italy) and I saw the poster for 12 Years A Slave. I’ve been following the press for months and I can’t wait to watch it but REALLY? I don’t remember Brad Pitt being the protagonist of the film or having such a pivotal role in the story to stay in the middle of the poster…

I sure don’t know anything about marketing strategy to appeal audiences but isn’t this going to far?

Some are screaming racism and some are saying that they put Brad Pitt’s big face on the poster, because he’s the biggest star and they want to sell the movie. Brad Pitt is also a huge star here in the US (ugh) and his giant face is not on the poster. Besides, if they were going with the “Let’s put the biggest STAH on the poster” route, then they should’ve put Michael Fassbender’s huge dick on the poster. It’s a bigger star than Michael Fassbender himself and Brad Pitt combined. Michael Fassbender’s big dick doesn’t totally make a cameo in the movie, but I think I saw its print when he wore old timey pajamas.

But seriously, that poster is a serious mess. Every hardcore Brangeloonie who worships at the altar of Brangelina is looking at that poster and saying, “Hey, I have that airbrushed on the side of my van!” That poster makes it looks like 12 Years A Slave is an Amish romance drama starring Brad Pitt as White Jesus.

Pics: Flickr, Tumblr

Rachel Zoe and her husband, Rodger Berman, announced the arrival of their second baby on Twitter (via USWeekly) last night. They are already parents to two-year old Skyler.

“So excited to welcome our baby boy into the world…he’s 7 lbs 12 oz, beautiful, healthy and we couldn’t be happier,” she shared with fans.

Maybe I’m still riding the high of meeting my two-week old nephew for the first time last night, but my first reaction to reading that Rachel gave birth to her second child was “Awwww!” And then I remembered this is Rachel Zoe, did a quick Google image search to see if the kid has a chance of getting some good genes from his father so he won’t grow up to look like a scavenged chicken wing and found this picture. Here’s to hoping that baby likes guy liner and the hairstyle I realized too late back in 2001 screams “moderately successful small market real estate agent”.

Rachel’s scrawny ass has to be chapped to high hell that she doesn’t have a girl to play dress up with. She and Rodger had better get to fuckin’ before her ovaries shrivel up into golden raisins to match her forehead if she’s going to have an opportunity to raise a daughter who will spend her formative years at fashion shows trailing after a starving praying mantis and having playdates with the salesgirls at Chanel.

(Pic: Wenn.com)