The Grammy nominations were announced last night and it might be safe for you to watch that shit show in January without attacking the TV with a tongue scraper every time Miley Cyrus pops up on the screen, because she might not be there since she didn’t get not a one nomination. Katy Perry was nominated for her cover of Sara Barillapasta’s (it’s Saturday, don’t make me Google for the correct spelling of her name) “Brave,” Sara Barillapasta was nominated for the original version of “Roar” and Illuminati kingpin and temporary vegan Jay-Z led the nominations with 9. Miley’s album “Finger Bangerz” was released after the cut-off date, but “Wrecking Ball” and “We Can’t Stop” both came out before the cut-off date. Bitch got snubbed!

As the nominations were announced live during that stupid ass Grammy Nominations Concert last night, Miley ruined Christmas for the children when she gave them a ho ho ho show at KISS FM’s Jingle Ball in L.A. My thoughts and prayers are with the parents whose youngins were there last night and are now singing, “I saw Miley butt fucking Santa Claus.” I don’t know if Miley is passing her butt critters to Bad Santa or Bad Santa’s passing his reindeer fleas to Miley or a little of both. For some of us, looking at these pictures are about as pleasant as watching a drunken hobo in a Santa hat jerk his candy cane off while lying against a wall on the Bowery (Correction: I’ve actually seen that on the subway before and it was more pleasant than these pictures), but these are pretty wholesome in the Cyrus world. If you Photoshopped Billy Ray’s face over that Bad Santa’s face and replaced that drankin’ bag with a jug of moonshine, these would look exactly like pictures out of the Cyrus family holiday album.

And back to the Grammys… Justin Timberlake may be the outcast of Hollywood, but he’s still the Homecoming Queen of the Grammys. Justin got 7 nominations as did Macklemore & Ryan Lewis and Kendrick Lamar. Lorde got a bunch of noms, but ho didn’t make it into the Best New Artist category. You can see all of the nominations here, but you should really read them while crouching under a steady surface, because once Kanye finds out that he was locked out of some of the major categories, his throbbing ego will explode and the earth will shake. Also, La Vampy didn’t get one nomination! We must RAGE!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

I have a theory: If you took Lindsay Lohan and put her in the machine from David Cronenberg’s The Fly for 25 years with 12 Denny’s Lumberjack Slams, a carton of Marlboro Reds, a handful of quaaludes, and a laserdisc copy of Battlefield Earth, you’d get Kirstie Alley. Think about it.

Kirstie Alley (aka Future Lindsay Lohan) was on Howard Stern’s radio show yesterday to promote her new television show Kirstie (the logo of which looks like it was created in an alternate-reality where Britney Spears is a graphic designer) and, like it does every time you talk to a Scientologist, the conversation ran a red light and sped onto the L. Ron Memorial Freeway. Howard was only throwing softball questions at Kirstie, so he didn’t ask her about Shelly Miscavige (ie. Where she at, boo?) but he did bring up ex-Scientolo’ho and Kirstie’s former BFFTXDUP (best friends forever till Xenu do us part) Leah Remini:

Howard Stern: “No one cares that she’s left Scientology. Are you upset with her that she’s being so fucking vocal and critical about it? Or you don’t care?”

Rebecca from Cheers: “First of all, I just want everyone to know that I have hundreds of friends who have come into Scientology and left Scientology. You’re not shunned, you’re not chased. All that stuff’s bullishit. However, when you are generalizing and when your goal is to malign and to say things about an entire group, when you decide to blanket statement that Scientology is evil, you are my enemy.”

She also said that she stopped following Leah on Twitter. Oooh, did you hear that? Alert the authorities, SHOTS FIRED!

The interview is way too long (you could watch 3 episodes of Unwrapped instead. And you should; there is so much to learn about Tootsie Pop Drops) so here is the TL:DR version:

– Kirstie first got interested in Scientology after she saw Porsches outside the Scientology building (always a good reason to join a scary cult respected religion)

– She read Dianetics while snorting a Kirstie Alley-sized mountain of coke

– There is a comparison made between anti-Semitism and anti-Scientology. Kanye… is that you??

– Kirstie fell in love with John Travolta on the set of Look Who’s Talking and they used to – wait for it – “sit around, doing skits” together. I’m imagining every skit involved putting on black bouffant wigs and re-creating the end scene from Mermaids (John: “I call Cher!!!“)

She also answers questions about being fat, plastic surgery, pills, girl-on-girl and masturbation (NO HOWARD, NEVER) all the while sounding like she’s finishing her 4th Flying Gorilla at The Cheesecake Factory. Oh Kirstie, never fucking change.

Here’s more of Kirstie in New York invested in enough Spanx to keep them high on the NASDAQ till the world ends:

Pics: Splash

The camera-stealing, selfie-taking eagle of Western Australia!

The Wildlife and Park rangers in Kimberley, Australia set up a motion-sensor camera at a gorge on the Margaret River last May, because they wanted to get footage of fresh-water crocodiles being fresh-water crocodiles and shit. The camera went missing shortly after they set it up and they figured that Lindsay Lohan just happened to be vacationing in the area. But a few weeks later, the rangers got a call from other rangers who told them their camera was found 110 kilometers from where they set that shit up. When they got the camera back and watched some of the footage they learned that a sticky talons, thieving motherfucker of an eagle snatched up their camera and later used it to take video selfies of itself. That attention whore eagle must’ve deleted all the footage it took of its throbbing cloaca, because the only thing on the camera were flying shots and shots of it pecking the lens. The rangers aren’t pressing charges against that thief and they think it’s kind of amazing. Ranger Roneil Skeen told said this to ABC:

“It was pretty amazing because it’s one of the first camera traps to ever get picked up. They’ve had camera traps moved [by animals] before, but not taken off, like a flying camera you know? It was pretty cool so we were pretty shocked.”

Now if we can only get that thieving, selfie-taking eagle to come to California and steal some of the cameras here. I’d much rather see eagle selfies than see selfies of Miley, LiLo, the Kartrashians, etc… etc… Speaking of Miley, while doing research for this HIGHLY IMPORTANT nature story, I Googled for pictures of eagle cloacas and found (warning: this is probably NSFW if you’re a bird) this picture of an ostrich cloaca. It’s the long-lost twin of Miley’s tongue!

Just a day after Tom Daley declared in a video that he happens to be dating a human who’s got a peen, E! News says that the peen he’s humping on belongs to Dustin Lance Black who won an Oscar for writing the screenplay for Milk. Cut to Taylor Lautner throwing a bitchy “enjoy my seconds, twink” look at Tom Daley. And yes, I’ll wait here while you Google those bareback pics of DLB from a million years ago.

E! doesn’t have any other details other than that, but a source tells the The Sun (via NYDN) that Tom and Dustin don’t really care that there’s 20 years between their asses. Tom is 19 and DLB is 39. The source spit this out:

“He’s besotted with Dustin. They love each other and aren’t concerned what anyone says about age difference.”

Last month, Queerty posted pictures of Twinky Tom and DLB getting coffee together in Hollywood.

These two don’t really make sense to me at all, but I’m not going to judge (yes, I think that’s a first). The heart wants what the heart wants and sometimes the heart wants to pound rapidly while getting fucked by a 19-year-old British diver with abs you could break your teefs on. And yes, I just called Tom the top. What a world, what a world!

HuffPo says that after the night covers Rome and most of the Catholic priests head down to the disco under the Vatican to snort blessed coke off of a go-go boy’s soft dick, Pope Francis put on “ole’ regular priest” drag and sneaks out to help the homeless. Note to Justin Bieber and all the other celebrity fuck-ups, you need to get with Pope Francis’ PR team, because those bitches are good.

Archbishop Konrad Krajewski (aka the Almoner of His Holiness) recently told reporters that Pope Francis always wants to go with him when he goes out into the city at night to hang with homeless people. Archbishop Konrad let out a subtle smile when reporters asked him if Pope Francis has ever gone out with him. A source tells HuffPo that Pope Francis does go out at night to mingle with the homeless:

“Swiss guards confirmed that the pope has ventured out at night, dressed as a regular priest, to meet with homeless men and women.”

Pope Eggs Benedict just clutched his gold Lacroix crucifix and screamed out, “Heiligen Gott,” (Google Translate tells me that’s German for “¡Santo Dios!“), because the thought of him taking off his precious red leather Prada knock-off loafers to do himself up as a normal priest is making him want to fall back into the arms of his lead supervisor (aka Jesus) and weep at the thought of that dreadfulness.

So Pope Francis has tweeted against consumerism, doesn’t have any household staff, he supposedly said that do-gooder atheists go to heaven, he wrote that the church is “obsessed” with gay marriage and abortion, he used to be a club bouncer and now we learn that he de-Popes his look to eat bread with the homeless without creating a scene. What is going on here?! Pope Fran Fran better stop being so cool before the fangirls fanabuelitas turn on him. They’re all asking themselves, “Harpo, who dis Pope?”

NSFW pic of Gag Me’s pube situation after the jump!

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