LUNCH?! LUNCH?! Kate Moss celebrates her birthday with a lunch. 1) I didn’t even think Kate Moss got up before lunch times. 2) You know you’re just naturally rich when you go to a birthday lunch on a weekday. 3) There better have been coke sandwiches at that lunch or I don’t even know who Kate Moss is anymore – Popsugar

So Sally Hawkins and Colin Farrell might’ve given each other a happy ending at the spa, but I’m more interested in that 90s teenage girl headband he’s wearing – Lainey Gossip

Happiness is watching Peter Dinklage ride a razor scooter – The Superficial

Cirque de SoDrunk – Drunken Stepfather

And this is probably the most interesting thing about Gisele Buttchin – Celebitchy

Duck Dynasty’s season premiere episode was down 28 percent. It would’ve been up 280 percent if it had more man anus and hot gay action – Towleroad

Yeah right, we all know that Pimp Mama Kris had ho-tracking devices installed in all of her whores so she knows which corner they’re working at all times – Reality Tea

Chris Pine is hot, but why is Keira Knightley wearing a dress Suri Cruise probably wore four seasons ago – The Berry

Anne Hathaway was almost in Silver Linings Playbook – IDLYITW

Professional star fucker Jasmine Waltz chose a demure and genteel ensemble as her Celebrity Big Brother eviction outfit – Hollywood Tuna

It’s nice to know that John Travolta’s old man wigs get work as mannequin merkins- Jezebel

FYI: Emily Blunt’s fetus is growing – Popoholic

Justin Bieber is freaking out, because the cops took his cell phone and apparently he’s got naked pictures on there. This is good news for anybody who has ever wanted to see Usher naked – ICYDK

Olympic man ass alert! – (NSFWish) OMG Blog

First, The Professor from Gilligan’s Island dies and now Reuben Kincaid from The Partridge Family – HuffPo

Natasha Lyonne looks hot on the Walk of Shame poster! – Videogum

When Marie Laveau was on 227 – SOW

Russell Johnson, The Professor to you and me, has gone off to the great, big deserted island in the sky to make coconut and bamboo phones for The Skipper, Gilligan, Thurston Howell, III and Lovey. And in the afterworld, they don’t refer to The Professor as “the rest.” Russell’s agent tells The Wrap that he died this morning from natural causes at his home on Bainbridge Island in Washington. The Professor was 89.

Russell Johnson was the last living dude from Gilligan’s Island and now only Ginger and Mary Ann are left. Mary Ann posted a picture of her with Gilligan and The Professor on Facebook today and wrote this message:

My 2 favorite people are now gone. The Professor past away this morning. My heart is broken.

It’s a sad, sad day and it’s really a sad, sad day for those of us who thought The Professor was so fucking hot. Nobody worked a baby blue button down shirt and khakis the way The Professor did. Here’s one of my favorite moments from Gilligan’s Island of TP and Ginger, wearing the second hottest peaches and cream dress ever, making out for Mr. Howell.

Rest in peace, Professor.

Obviously Ryan Sweeting, the poor sap who is legally obligated to fawn over Kaley Cuoco ’til imploding Hollywood marriage do they part, didn’t get the memo that NOBODY who isn’t saying something nice for PR’s sake is putting money on their marital bliss lasting.

Ryan put a picture of this giant ass “Kaley” tattoo on his Instagram (which, by the way, is “ryansweething” and yeah, I did one of these followed by this).

Someone couldn’t have thrown a Magic 8 Ball his way? A Ouija board? A Google image of Johnny Depp’s “Wino Forever” tattoo? Their crazy uncle’s glass eye that he swears has magical powers? Anything Ryan could have used to look into the future to see that he should spend some of his kept boy toy allowance on a gift certificate for laser tattoo removal with an expiration date no more than a year away?

Someone once told me a story about an 18-year-old girl who got the name “Richard” tattooed on her inner thigh with an arrow pointing up toward her holla bits. At the very least, she should have had it say “Dick” so it would be universal for every guy that came after him (pun 100% intended).

(Pic: Instagram)

Lord KraVen!

Whenever a character in a TV show or movie or book or video game or whatever says, “Take me to your leader,” this is the leader they want to be taken to. This is regalness! This is royalty! This is Lord KraVen, the biological son of Ming the Merciless who was sent to Earth from his home planet Mongo on a black diamond asteroid to bring humanity to its knees with his glamour and simmering sexiness. Yes, I’m typing this while kneeling on the ground at that picture, so his plan is clearly working.

I was introduced to this glittering, black Glamberace God yesterday when I read a post on Radar about how Jennifer Hudson had him kicked out of the People’s Choice Awards. On the planet Mongo, Lord KraVen is the one who does the banishing, not the other way around! JHud and Lord KraVen were friends until she excommunicated him from her life, because she feels like he did her wrong by using her family tragedy to whore out his music. During the trial of the murder of her family members in 2012, Lord KraVen went on HLN to talk about her grief while promoting his single. JHud immediately declared war on Dave Navvaro’s style icon. So when she saw him at the People’s Choice Awards on Wednesday night, she told organizers that if they wanted her to stay, he had to leave. An act against glamour happened when security guards escorted Lord KraVen out of the Nokia Theater.

Who knows what’s really going on between Lord KraVen (not to be confused with Lori Craven whose name I keep typing) and JHud, but it’s pretty obvious that he was also kicked out of the People’s Choice Awards because his Lip Service-like aura kept shattering the glass trophies.

If you want to know what Lord KraVen’s music sounds like, you can click play on the video below or you can believe me when I say that it’s like Daughtry on helium.

In related news, the city of Paris announced that they are demolishing the Arc de Triomphe. It had a good run, but Paris knew it could never compete with the truly spectacular arcs of hair above Lord KraVen’s eyes. Bow down.

Just when you thought that Evander Holyfield was a shoo-in to win the award for the Most Incoherent Ramblings from an American athlete, a new challenger arrives. And how!

Dennis Rodman and a bunch of former NBA players are in North Korea to play basketball for Kim Jong Un’s birthday, because they’re so desperate for a check that they don’t care if it’s signed by a maniac. Dennis Rodman took a little time out from spooning with his North Korean BFF on a bed made from the skin of Kim Jong Un’s dead rivals (including that crazy asshole’s uncle) to talk to CNN’s Chris Cuomo. When Chris Cuomo asked Dennis Rodman if he’s going to bring up Kenneth Bae, the American who’s sitting in a prison in North Korea right now, to his BFF, he rambled out a verbal vomit flood of nonsense.

As I mentioned the other day, my dog got attacked by some bitch ass motherfucking dog on the street, and his front leg (or “dog arm” as I call it when talking to the vet since I always like to use official medical phrases) got jacked up during the attack. It didn’t break or fracture, but it’s sore and he had trouble walking on it at first. The vet told me not to pick him up or handle him. If he wants to get up off the floor, I should let him do it by himself, because he knows his own body or some shit. Watching him try to get out of his dog bed is painful. It’s like watching an obese, elderly pregnant ho try to get herself out of a futon while holding a giant sack of flour. I cringe, I wince, I let a few “oh shits” and my hands get all shaky. I felt those same emotions while watching Dennis Rodman try to pull a coherent thought out of the coke and booze-soaked sponge in his head.

Dennis sounds like a half-sedated bulldog trying to do an impersonation of Hulk Hogan and failing at it, so it’s hard to figure out what he’s saying, exactly. Here’s what I was able to make out:

“Grrrr garrr wha wha grrr gaarrrr one thing about politics Kenneth Baby gotta gotta get it understand barrrr graadfadf nooo neerrr NO NO NO woah woah woah youcanthandlethetruth grrrr gaarrrr droool garrrr raarrrrrr LOVE ten guys grrrr gaarrrrr woah woah LOOK AT THEM woah woah rats ass grrrr GAARRRR”

When I put that in Google Translate and translate it from “White Oprah aka incoherent drunk crazy cokehead” to English, this comes out:

“The one thing about politics, Kenneth Bae did one thing. If you understand, if you understand what Kenneth Bae did. Do you understand what he did? In this country? You tell me. You tell me. Why is he held captive?”

Nope, I still don’t know. Dennis went on to go full throttle Kanye by screaming at Chris Cuomo for ignoring the sacrifices all the former NBA players have made to go to North Korea.

The only thing that got me through that head-pounding interview was watching the other players realize that they made a terrible, terrible mistake and is it too late to give back the money they got paid in exchange for the next plane, train, car, donkey, whatever ride out of that bitch?

So here’s what I thought were some everyday, normal pictures of Robin Williams giving you body and pepaw chichis while snorkeling in Hawaii on New Year’s Day. I stared at these pictures for way too long, because there was something off to me. I couldn’t put my finger on it until I realized…..

Where is the luscious field of dark fur on Robin Williams’ chest?

When Robin Williams rips his top off, I expect to see more hair than what’s in Beyonce’s weave closet. I expect to see a soft, thick bear rug that makes me want to take off my clothes, put on some Barry White and roll around on it. I see that some of it has turned Santa Claus white, but where’s the rest? There’s no way Robin waxed or shaved it off. That’s impossible! As soon as wax pulls one of Robin’s hairs off, another hair immediately grows in its place and its thicker and sturdier then ever before. When a dude (or a Kardashian) reaches the Metamucil phase of life, does his chest fur fall off? Is that going to happen to Simon Cowell? I would Google “Tom Selleck’s chest today,” but I don’t think I can take it if his glorious chest fur shed off.

Everyone always says that Robin Williams is so hairy that when he fucks a chick her pussy coughs up hairballs for days and his b-hole probably looks like a Woolly Bear Caterpillar napping on a dried apricot slice. So what I’m wondering is, do you think his ass hair fell off too? Whatever, I’d still hit it, even if he has a bald ass.

Pics: FameFlynet