Maria Bello (aka the hot bar owner in Coyote Ugly, Hugh Jackman’s pilled-up sad wife in Prisoners and Viggo Mortensen’s wife in A History of Violence) wrote an op-ed piece in The New York Times about how she told her 12-year-old son Jackson that she’s in love and bumping ‘ginas full-time with one of her best friends, who’s a woman. In Maria’s piece, she writes that her son, her son’s daddy Dan and her best friend turned lady love have created their own “modern family.” They’re like a sort of kind of real-life Kids Are Alright. Maria’s romantic relationships have mostly been with dudes, but one day she realized she was falling in love with her best friend. When Maria told her mom and dad about it, they threw out words of support. And when Maria told her son after he asked her if there was something she wasn’t telling him, he responded like this:

He looked at me for what seemed like an eternity and then broke into a huge, warm smile. “Mom, love is love, whatever you are,” he said with wisdom beyond his years. (Yes, he obviously attends one of those progressive schools in Los Angeles!)

I loved him so much for saying that. “But Jack, I’m a little scared,” I said. “When I was younger, people judged you if you were in a romantic relationship with a person of the same sex, and some still do. So I’m not sure how to deal with this. But we’ll figure it out together.”

If you follow Maria Bello at all, you’re probably saying to yourself, “…she’s totally clit wrestling with Mariska Hargitay, she’s totally clit wrestling with Mariska Hargitay,” because if you Google “Maria Bell and Mariska Hargitay,” you’ll get a treasure trove of pictures of them looking like the gayelle power couple of my dreams (not to be confused with the gayelle power couple of my reality Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon). I’m talking about pictures like this:

But sorry to burst your cum bubble. Maria Bello’s partner is named Clare and now she, Clare, Dan and Jackson are one big happy family. Congrats to Maria! Congrats to Clare! Congrats to Jackson! Congrats to Dan! And congrats to me, because since I’m posting about Maria Bello, I get to post this video of her singing “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)” in that messy movie Duets. Warning: If you’ve got cats in the room, you better tell them to get the hell out, because the first note that comes out of Maria’s mouth will make them jump through the ceiling.

Pics: Bauer Griffin, Wenn.com

Well, here’s something that will make your eyeballs fax the message: “Can you help me process this??” to your brain (don’t count on your brain to respond with anything helpful; mine just faxed a Flaming Hot Cheetos bag in return). Everything about this picture of Harry Styles is confusing me, because up top says ‘Hot wig mess‘ but down low says ‘I’m 19 and you can talk about my legs without being put on some kind of internet watch-list‘. It’s problematic to say the least.

Harry Styles and Nick Grimshaw (Google that if you want an extra shot of hot in your day-drink) put on their best Amanda Bynes court-wigs to crash Poppy Delevingne’s “hen party” in London last night. Later, Harry removed his wig and replaced it with a creepy elephant head, because those weird One Direction-themed nightmares you’ve been having aren’t terrifying enough.

I’m pretty sure that a “hen party” is just a fancy British way of saying bachelorette party; but it’s England, so I doubt it’s the same. Can you imagine fancies like Poppy Delevigne and Alexa Chung slurping slippery nipples out of penis-shaped shot-glasses and drunkenly screaming Salt-N-Pepa’s Push It over a busted karaoke machine? Unless they do that sort of thing over there. In which case, I hope they saved Harry a piece of penis cake.

(Pics via Splash)

Since today’s theme is obviously twats of all kinds, here’s Sharon Osbourne telling Graham Norton (via People) about her most painful plastic surgery ever. Sharon’s been pulled, nipped, tucked and had her face rotated into all kinds of different shapes and sizes, but she said that surgery that really had her screaming for the baby Jesus to end her misery was vaginoplasty. Judging by how tight her mouth looks in that picture above, you’d think she had vaginoplasty on her face mouth, but no, she had it on her down low parts. I guess having a bunch of kids stretched out her chocha and she really didn’t like sending a search party in there every time Ozzy accidentally fell in during fuck times. So she took herself to the plastic surgeon and now it’s tighter than a virgin snake’s cloaca. In the video at the end of this post, Sharon, Graham and Colin Farrell had a short conversation about her sparkling new snatch:

Graham Norton: What’s the worst procedure? What was the most painful procedure?

Sharon: Having my vagina tightened. It was the worst. It was just excruciating. Excruciating!

Colin: What did that entail? What did that? What did that entail?

Sharon: Oh, I’ll show you later.

The more you know, I guess. Every time a celebrity talks about getting her coochie cinched, I just have to make my retinas curl by Googling before and after pictures of pussy tightening surgery. If you haven’t done it, don’t do it. If you’re curious, just Google “Keith Richards with his tongue out” instead. That’s pretty much what most of the before pictures look like.

Continuing their storied tradition of respectful, empowering, thought-provoking awareness ads (today’s weather forecast: 4-6 inches of sarcasm) PETA has collaborated with Chilli from TLC in a campaign calling people to boycott the circus. While I can’t speak for how cruel circuses are (I haven’t watched a Dateline NBC special on it yet. Once Keith Morrison narrates it, I’m there), I can assume that lions and elephants aren’t exactly hanging around Africa thinking: “Oh boy! I hope that one day a failed model will make me balance on a stool as creepy calliope music leaves emotional scars on children for years to come! Get me in that cage!”

Chilli got done-up in tiger-striped body paint and posed in a pile of hay (my allergies just went from 0-90) to raise awareness for tigers and mostly for the misuse of Photoshop. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the overworked graphic artists?!?

However, there’s so much WTF going on here, it’s really difficult to focus on the message. For instance, what the hell is going on with that out-of-control left eye? Did somebody just say out-of-control left eye?! NO! I refuse to make that joke; I’d break the servers with all the emails I’d get. It’s difficult for me to learn about tigers who want to escape the circus when all I can do is focus on that eye trying to escape her face. This ad doest make me want to save animals from the circus; it makes me want to save Chilli. This ad looks like it was pulled from the back of a free weekly newspaper promoting weird safari-themed sex clubs. Tip: don’t Google safari-themed sex club.

Here’s TLC and Left Eye’s stand-in Lil Mama abusing white pants waring the worst of Jo-Ann Fabrics at the AMAs on Sunday night.

(Pics via Wenn)

Add Crocs to your Steve Buscemi-approved kill list if the company isn’t already on it, because they’re trying to shut down Mario Batali’s special brand of sexy.

According to Eater, Crocs is pissing all over Mario’s love by discontinuing the signature orange Bistro and Bistro Vent clogs he has worn since his wife gave him a pair when he opened his first restaurant. You kind of have to wonder how that moment went down. “Congratulations on all your success! Here are a pair of shoes guaranteed to not get you laid by me or anyone else!” We see you, Mrs. Batali. That’s one way to keep cute hostesses from sniffing around your man, as if every other damn thing Mario visually has to offer wasn’t already a deterrent.

Mario went and bought himself 200 pairs of the discontinued Crocs to hold him over for a while, which proves two things. One, his loyalty to fuckugly footwear is unmatched. Two, I’m just going to go ahead and believe he is that dedicated to making Gwyneth Paltrow cringe when he shows up at her house looking like a toddler whose mom gave up the power struggle over clothes and let him dress himself. She probably waves her hand and says, “Oh, that’s just Mario!” in an Italian accent she has spent hours in front of the mirror practicing before she slips away to leave her assistant a note asking her to Google the temperature at which hideous rubber footwear burns.

200 pairs of shoes may sound excessive, but Mario doesn’t fuck around with things he’s passionate about. When asked what he would want for his last supper, he said it would take 15 years and 753 courses. The prison system had better cross their balls that there aren’t any foodies locked up on death row because Mario just suggested the most gluttonous stay of execution of all time.

(Note from Michael: I just printed out that picture, held up it and screamed, “Fight the REAL enemy,” before tearing it up. “Mario Batali” must be Italian for dark-sided Satan worshiper, because he is on the wrong side of EVIL for keeping CROCS alive!)

(Photo: Wenn)

Not pictured: the other mouths she has to feed including her mom, Papa Joe and Papa Joe’s barely legal hairless twink piece of the moment.

Here’s Jessica Simpson, her daughter Maxwell, her son Ace and her partner in baby-making Eric Somethingoranotherwhocares strolling through the airport in Boston yesterday. These riveting and thrilling pictures taught me three things: 1. toddlers and babies are only second and third to memaws when it comes to throwing a legendary side eye. 2. Either Baby Ace doesn’t know how to wear a jacket right or he’s a hipster who thinks that only regular people put both arms in their jacket. 3. Maxwell is obviously wearing a hairpiece from Ken Paves’ QVC collection. Shit is going to get awkward at the Thanksgiving dinner table when Jessica’s dumb ass realizes that her own daughter is wearing a hairpiece made by her best homegirl turned rival. The betrayal of it all.

Pics: Splash