As anyone who hasn’t just come out of a long coma knows (Tip: If you’ve just come out of a long coma, do NOT watch the Jem movie or you’ll weep for humanity and want to go back into that coma.), Charlie Sheen is HIV-positive and in an interview with Matt Lauer on Today this morning, he said that he’s paid more than $10 million in STFU money to tricks who threatened to expose his status to the media. Well, grifting types are going to have to find another reason to blackmail Charlie Sheen for quick cash, because the world knows he’s HIV-positive now and the shaking of his checking account has come to an end.

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Now that InTouch Weekly mentions it, Justin Timberlake does look like he’s got a touch of consumption in that picture or maybe his eyes just hurt from looking at Jessica Biel’s fugly ruffle bukkake ice skating dress.

InTouch Weekly (so this is served on top of a giant salt mountain) heard from a “friend” that Jessica Biel have joined the likes of Jenny McCarthy, Alicia Silverstone and Kristin CavaImTooLazyToGoogleHerLastName in the anti-vaxx movement by refusing to vaccine her 7-month-old son Silas. Jessica Biel’s friend didn’t really say how Justin Timberlake feels, but they probably asked him and it was hard to hear his answer over the sound of him giving himself a Brazilian Blowout in the bathroom.

A friend of the couple claims so, telling In Touch that “Jessica is refusing to vaccinate him. She feels that vaccination could cause complications.”

The friend who alleges that Jessica and Justin aren’t vaccinating their son adds: “I’m sure Jessica believes that she’s making the right decision, but hopefully she and Justin will do some more research on this and change their minds.”

InTouch says that they left 9 messages for Jessica and Justin’s reps over the past few weeks, but got a whole lot of nothing back. InTouch claims that the reps received their messages. Oh so, the people at InTouch are those kind of messes who ask for a return receipt email.

Great, Jessica (may) have gone and done it. Every time a famous type decides not to vaccinate their baby, the horns on Jenny McCarthy’s head grow half an inch more and her evil powers get stronger. And really, I won’t totally believe this until Justin Timberlake released an anti-vaxx remix of his greatest hits which will include “I’m Bringing Measles Back” and “Cry Me A River…Of Smallpox.”

Pic: Wenn.com

It goes without saying, but yeah, Rebel Wilson makes a better Victoria’s Secret model than Kendall Jenner.

Rebel Wilson was a guest on the Australian radio show, Kyle & Jackie O, not long ago and she told them about the time she said “HELL NO” to presenting an award with Kendull and Kylie Jenner at the MTV VMAs. Rebel said that the Kartrashians stand for everything she is against and they didn’t work for their fame. As far as I know, Rebel’s comments didn’t get any backlash at all. Everyone pretty much slow clapped for her. Well, everyone but Oprah’s Kartrashian-loving ass slow clapped for her. But according to Rebel, deep down in Pimp Mama Kris’ lair of evil, a publicist is carrying out a diabolical plan to smear her!!

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The whole Bridget/Tom/Gis thing wasn’t exactly the same levels of ESCANDALO as the whole Mary-Louise Parker and Billy Crudup situation, but it was still a little messy. Bridget Moynahan and Tom Brady were together for around 3 years and after they broke up, he didn’t waste any time in moving on to Gisele Bundchen. Not long after GisBra was born, Bridget found out she was knocked up.

Gis talked about that time while pimping out her already sold-out limited-edition $700 coffee table book titled Who In The Hell Is Paying $700 For A Bunch Of Pictures You Can Probably Get On Google Images during an interview with Charlie Rose on CBS This Morning (video below). Gis says that she nearly headed for the exit door after finding out that her brand new piece was going to be a daddy. via People

“It was a challenging thing because here I am, you know, thinking, I’m dating this guy, we met, and we started dating and everything is great and then this happens. So, then I felt like I didn’t know what to do. It was kind of one of those moments of like, ‘Do I just run away?’ “

But if Gis ran away, she would’ve never been one half of the Brangelina of the sports and modeling worlds! Gisele says that Tom is a very “kind man” (translation: “bitch is simple“) and she loves her 8-year-old “bonus” son John Moynahan:

“I think, now, eight years later, I couldn’t have asked for a sweeter bonus child.”

“Bonus child.” How very LeAnn Rimes of her. I know people have serious thoughts about “bonus child.” One time when I was a little kid, my stepmother at the time took me shopping and she called me her “son” in front of a salesperson. Just “son.” That may have been the first time I learned how to side-eye. So I would’ve rather she called me her “bonus son” or even “that brat.” Hell, I would’ve gladly taken, “This whiny baggage I didn’t sign up for!” and “Unwanted gift with purchase.”

But maybe something got lost in translation and Gisele didn’t call John her “bonus child.” Maybe she was talking about Tom.

Pics: Splash

On the Real Housewives of Orange County last season, a huge chunk of time was spent on whether or not Vicki Gunvalson’s (now ex) piece Brooks Ayers was and is faking cancer. New Housemess and piece of dehydrated celery, Meghan King Edmonds, was one of the first to say that something in the milk ain’t cancer. In one of the earlier episodes, a psychic told Meghan, Tamra Judge and Heather Dubrow that shifty and shady Brooks doesn’t have cancer. They decided to investigate that shit and stopped short of hiring Detective La Toya to get to the bottom of everything. Meanwhile, Brooks and Vicki kept insisting that he has the Big C and those demonic hags will rot (well, not really rot since plastic doesn’t do that) in hell for accusing a poor, sick man of faking the sicks. Brooks recently claimed he got chemotherapy treatments at City of Hope and he provided the receipts. But well, City of Hope has released a statement saying, “We don’t know the bitch.”

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That low-budget basic bitch ABC Family movie that is committing fraud by calling itself Jem and the Holograms has turned out to be a bigger and stinkier turd than expected. If I could time travel back to 1985, I’d tell my young, innocent, little self to just stay in bed for most of 2015. Just pull the covers over your head and don’t turn on the TV or look at something called the Internet. “It’s for your own good!” is what I’d scream at my young self as my young self played with a Pizzazz doll.

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