Miss Colombia, Ariadna Gutierrez, the victim of the crime of the CRIME OF THE CENTURY committed by that dream-killing demon monster Steve Harvey!

Since dried drop of smegma Donald Trump no longer owns the Miss Universe pageant, I watched that mess completely guilt-free last night. Miss Philippines was one of my picks early on, because she gave FACE BEAUTY FACE. Nearly every time the camera panned to her, Miss Philippines turned it on. Her face told a dozen stories and every story was wrapped in Barbizon-approved glamour. So when she made it to the final 3, I figured she’d end up crown-less since my favorites never win. Steve Harvey announced Sofia Vergara Lite (aka Miss Colombia) as the winner and that seemed about right. South America always wins.

Miss Colombia got her crown, got her flowers and did her walk and wave while thinking about how she’s going to spend the next 12 months cutting ribbons and waving But then Steve Harvey smashed her dreams into a million pieces when he stumbled back onto the stage and basically pulled a “recall last e-mail.” Steve Harvey had only one job to do and he fucked it up. Steve read the card wrong and Miss Colombia was first-runner up and the true winner was Miss Philippines. I know, how very Australia’s Next Top Model of him.

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If I was a royal, my Christmas card would be me laid out on my throne with my most opulent crown on my head and an “Eat Me, Morrissey” t-shirt on my body, and my butler would be right next to me pouring a stream of taxpayers’ tears into a solid gold goblet. What’s the point of being a rich royal if you’re not going to show out? But Duchess Kate and Prince William want to come off as a ~real~ and ~normal~ family, so for their Christmas card, they rented out a suburban family’s backyard and posed like they were in a Sears Portrait Studio.

This may seem like a regular, boring picture, but there’s a lot going on here. Prince George is working the seams off of those socks and his signature Mary Janes. Not since Cher from Clueless has someone truly owned the socks and Mary Janes look. Duchess Kate is still trying to make the best of those struggle bangs and is saying to herself, “pose like you’re in a Wella Balsam shampoo ad,” over and over again. Prince William looks like he’s trying to squeeze out a royal turd while staring at his son and smiling through the pain of knowing that he will never have a mop like that again.

And speaking of taking a royal turd, Princess Charlotte totally is:

Princess Charlotte is definitely blehehehe-ing on the inside, because she knows her ladies-in-waiting are going to have to work overtime scrubbing royal turds out of her satin bloomers.

Duchess Camilla and her forever tampon of choice also released a picture of their Christmas card to their subjects:

Yeah, I don’t even know why the British royal family bothers releasing these Christmas pictures, because the only one we care about is the one of Prince Hot Ginge wearing a Rudolph cock sock.

Pics: @KensingtonRoyal, Instagram

And to answer the question in your head: Yes, that’s her mug shot.

The BBC says that yesterday, model and Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex, Bar Refaeli, spent 12 hours being questioned by officials from the Israel Tax Authority in Tel Aviv. They suspect that she cheated on her taxes. That questioning led to Bar and her mother Tzipi getting detained today. They were later released on $193,000 bail. Their passports were also snatched away and they can’t leave the country without permission for six months.

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It’s daytime in Los Angeles right now, but the sun has already set, the birds have stopped chirping and dark clouds have covered the sky. (Just pretend and go with me.) The sun will probably never come out again, because it has no reason to. The only reason it comes out is to get a glimpse of the dandelion of eternal joy that is Richard Simmons and now that his rep has said that he’s living a happy life away from the spotlight, what’s the point?! What’s the point of anything?!

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Jennifer Lawrence has already said that a man’s fart fumes are her Spanish Fly and she’s admitted to being a sink pisser. On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, JLaw decided to talk about another bodily function. No, she didn’t talk about her period berries. I’m sure she’s saving that for the next press tour. JLaw talked about how she’s always barfing. I know, Jennifer Lawrence is so damn relatable and so real that it makes me want to barf. JLaw puked up these stream of words about being a puker, and she woke up the fame whore beast while doing so:

“I puked yesterday. I’m a puker. I’m a big-time puker. I don’t stop working, because I’m a show pony. I don’t have a choice. So I just keep going and eventually my body’s just like, ‘If we don’t make her barf or pass out, she won’t stop.’ I get like Lindsay Lohan grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol. I’m always in bed early and I’m still tired.”

You can watch the entire interview here if you want.

Five minutes after Jennifer Lawrence said the name “Lindsay Lohan” out loud and on TV, I’m sure a passed out LiLo was awakened by her phone vibrating from the Google Alerts that alert her to the fact that someone famous said her name in the year 2015. Jennifer Lawrence and Lindsay Lohan sort of have a history….

LiLo supposedly said in a drunken interview once that JLaw fucks for roles (LiLo’s rep denied she said that). LiLo also slapped on JLaw on Twitter for making a really harmless joke about Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. So maybe Jennifer Lawrence was getting a bitch back, or maybe she doesn’t care about that shit LiLo said and simply pulled that crack out of her ass. Whatever the case may be, LiLo and her sister, the Curious Case of Ali Lohan, took JLaw’s joke real seriously. Ali Lohan tweeted that she’s disappointed in Jennifer Lawrence and is no longer a fan. LiLo re-tweeted that tweet and later brought Maya Angelou into it:

@aliana thank you sister.. Maybe who you're referring to should learn to support others like #mayaangelou pic.twitter.com/hUYJZAQ2RH

— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) December 15, 2015

So many “getting high” jokes, so little time. But seriously, it’s weird that LiLo posted the revised version of Maya’s poem. The original would’ve been much more fitting in this situation. The original goes like this:

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, I’ll fuck your man and steal your purse, bitch!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Adrien Brody was at an Art Basel event in Miami and he looked like a walking Museum of Douche Fashion. Nearly every single piece he’s wearing represents the douche look of a different decade. With that being said, I’d buy a membership to that douche museum and hit it every day – Lainey Gossip 

Ben Affleck’s peen may have wandered up into an actresses’ poon and Jennifer Garner is mad about it – Celebitchy

So, here’s Pamela Anderson making a cake as a horny Amy Winehouse – The Superficial 

Yolanda Foster said some words about her divorce from the King of her Lemon Kingdom David Foster – Reality Tea 

MODELS NIPPLES GALORE ALERT! – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Reading about Colton Haynes’ anxiety struggles gave me anxiety – Towleroad

Anne Hathaway’s maternity look is very Justin Bieber on a casual Friday – Popoholic

This dog definitely moonwalks better than RiRi and if you have no idea what I’m talking about Google “Rihanna’s tragic moonwalk” – The Berry 

Fergie did the “granny panties under a sheer skirt” look, which is so forward, because it’s not like it’s been done ten zillion times – Hollywood Tuna 

Dayanara from Orange is the New Black was accused of beating a teenager in her apartment and she’s facing charges. That shit is so method that even Daniel Day-Lewis is impressed – HuffPo

Gigolos is back and that’s good news for those of us who have been craving some real television art! – SOW

Someone with millions of hours of time on their hands made this movie mash-up of Adele’s “Hello” and it has hypnotized me – Pajiba

The Emmy people should just go ahead and engrave Tyra Banks’ name on a trophy right now, because she’s recreating her iconic role in Life-Size 2 – Just Jared

Lady Caca is Bilboard’s Woman of the Year – Popsugar

Trace Cyrus, call your agent now! Barbra Streisand is making a movie about that horse fucker Catherine the Great – Jezebel

Peaches’ new video is WTF on acid and I wouldn’t have it any other way – OMG Blog

Pic: Getty