Before Mad Max: Fury Road came out in 2015, a spinoff movie about Charlize Theron‘s character, Furiosa, was in the works. Director, George Miller, talked to The New York Times about a Furiosa prequel saying he had hoped Charlize would also be able reprise her role but unfortunately the technology to de-age her isn’t up to part yet. Yeah, we know it isn’t. We all
fell asleep during saw The Irishman.
When I saw that there was a trailer out for Capone starring my #1 would Tom Hardy, for one golden, fleeting moment, I thought I was going to have a good old fashioned #blessedday. What a fool I was. Just a starry-eyed summer child (pre-2020, summer children are canceled now that winter is here) thinking my quickly dwindling spank bank account was about to get a stimulus package. Sadly, Tom has let me down, and more importantly, let my clitoris down because Tom ain’t stimulating shit looking like a deep-fried meatball served in a dirty ashtray with extra cheese. Why, Tom, why!?!
Brad Pitt is an extremely rich and famous white man. I am none of those things. So imagine my surprise at learning that Brad and I have more in common than meets the eye. According to a new interview coming out in GQ, Brad loves watching Tom Hardy. Which is crazy because I also love watching Tom Hardy! Almost more than I love anything else in this godforsaken timeline. If I had a child, and I had to choose between never seeing that child’s face again, and never seeing Tom’s old MySpace pictures again, I’d be running my hand over that child’s face once a year like that lady in Lionel Ritchie’s Hello video to track their facial maturation. However, I don’t think Brad and I are into watching Tom for the same reasons.
Seen above laughing at their own baby naming joke are Myspace underwear model Tom Hardy and his wife Charlotte Riley, who have rolled out the
red carpet spit-up rags in welcoming their newborn son, whom they have reportedly named after a character in Forrest Gump. I wish like hell that I could report that they named their son Bubba Gump Shrimp Company Hardy, but “sources” say that Tom and Charlotte went boring on us and have instead named their child Forrest Hardy after Forrest Gump himself.
Sorry, Little Monsters – the Twitter trolling didn’t work! Lady Gaga’s fans basically issued a social media edict in the week leading up to the A Star Is Born debut at the box office against Venom, the Tom Hardy-starring comic book movie competing against Gaga. The Little Monsters dragged Tom’s movie and said it was a smelly, fug, grotsky be-yotch (or just said it was a snooze to watch) that nobody should go see. Even though critics seemed to agree, we told you Friday it looked like Tom would win the weekend box office. That’s exactly what happened, but A Star Is Born still did better than people were expecting this weekend.
I guess us thirsty hos who still occasionally look at Tom Hardy’s old MySpace photos are keeping the man in biz — Lady Gaga fans be damned! The same Little Monster army that went HAM on Ed Sheeran for implying she had two good albums and thought she was invincible pivoted to Tom, Michelle Williams and their comic book-based Venom, which opens against Gaga and Bradley Cooper in A Star Is Born this weekend. There was a Twitter Little Monster campaign where Gaga fans tweeted about how bad Venom was…and critics agree. Despite the shit reviews and smear campaign, Venom is on track to take the weekend! Continue reading