That picture is sweeter than a strawberry-scented condom dipped in pina colada-flavored lube. That picture is just too precious and Papyrus should really put it on a Valentine’s Day card. Actually, that would be a bad idea, because they would be sued by thousands of people who got paper cuts on their sex parts from trying to fuck that card.

While those lazy royals Duchess Kate, Baby Prince George and Prince William lazily sunned their lazy asses in Mustique like the lazies they are, Britain’s hottest benefits scrounger Prince Hot Ginge actually did some work in England yesterday. PHG visited the Full Effect Youth Project in Nottingham and later went to the premiere of Guillemot, the short film he backed. Turning the world on with a smile and watching a movie is hard work and PHG deserves a long, hard hand job hand massage to soothe the nerves in his hands from all the shaking it does. I volunteer as tribute.

And I don’t think I’ve ever had a fantasy involving a preppy off-duty lawyer going to a family barbecue, but now I do after seeing PHG in that outfit.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

“Yeah…so just a heads up, you might want to go by ‘Milo’ on Grindr.”

During an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Tuesday night, Meg Griffin’s real-life Bizarro World counterpart Mila Kunis admitted that when she first started dating the Kelso to her Jackie, human smirk Ashton Kutcher, he was all about tech shit and apps and being a low-budget Steve Jobs (you know, before he actually became a low-budget Steve Jobs). And one of the apps he introduced her to was a little-known location-based fuck app he was considering investing in called Tinder:

“When we started dating, Tinder hadn’t been really out yet. And he was like, ‘So babe, you know, I got this thing that I’m thinking about. You need to do me a favor and look at this app. Download [it].’ I was like, no problem. I’m on this thing going, ‘What is this?!’ Like, swiping things left and right. I was like, ‘This is amazing!’ This is stuff that I do at home. He makes me go on all of these websites. What’s the gay version of Tinder? Grindr! I’ve been on Grindr.”

Sure, sure – it was all just for research. I’m sure he was never like “So babe, we need to make sure these apps actually work. Do you mind swiping right on like, 10-20 people you think are hot? You know, just to make sure it works. And then maybe see if they’d be into a hypothetical threesome? Again, just research.”

But I still don’t understand why Ashton chose Mila as his Tinder/Grindr guinea pig, and not his perpetually-horny human boner friend Wilmer Valderrama? Or maybe he tried, but Tinder and Grindr kept sending 404 error – are you sure you want to do that? messages whenever users swiped right on him.

Here’s Mila arriving and leaving Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night:

Pics: Splash

Go ahead and add “Kim Gordon is talking shit about Courtney Love and Billy Corgan” after “Suge Knight is killing people, Missy Elliott is on TV and gas is under $2 a gallon” to your “the 90s really are back” joke.

Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon wrote her memoir titled Girl In A Band and it wouldn’t be a Kim Gordon memoir if she didn’t yank at Courtney Love’s hair and put a wig on Billy Corgan’s bald head so she can yank that off too. The Guardian published a few pieces from Kim Gordon’s book, which comes out later this month, and she shows that amateur Katy Perry how to really shit talk. Kim says that Courtney is covered in “tarantula LA glamour” (that sounds like a compliment to me) and says that Billy Corgan doesn’t just look like an overgrown Benjamin Button baby, he is a baby:

On working with Courtney Love on Hole’s first album: “No one ever questions the disorder behind her tarantula LA glamour – sociopathy, narcissism – because it’s good rock and roll, good entertainment! I have a low tolerance for manipulative, egomaniacal behaviour, and usually have to remind myself that the person might be mentally ill.”

On Billy Corgan: “Courtney asked us for advice about her ‘secret affair’ with Billy Corgan. I thought, Ewwww, at even the mention of Billy Corgan, whom nobody liked because he was such a crybaby, and Smashing Pumpkins took themselves way too seriously and were in no way punk rock.”

On finding out that her now ex-husband Thurston Moore had a side piece: “No one could understand how Thurston, who always had a good nose for the user, the groupie, the nutcase or the hanger-on, had let himself get pulled under by her. I did feel some compassion for Thurston … but that’s a lot different to forgiveness.”a

One of my favorite sports is watching famous types scratch and gnaw at each other, but I squinted my eyes at something Kim said. I don’t think the Smashing Pumpkins were ever considered punk and I don’t know if they ever tried to be punk. But then again, I once watched two fake cholas badly dance to “Tonight, Tonight” while dressed up like dark fairies in my high school talent show and that’s pretty punk rock.

I don’t know if Kim is doing anyone full-time right now, but if she is, that someone better expect to receive a tear-stained, gunk-covered, strongly-worded letter from Billy Corgan warning them that she will ruin their life and career if they stay with her. It’ll be tear-stained and gunk-covered, because he’ll cry and spit up his creamed banana lunch while writing it.

I’m just going to assume that the reason Beyonce is serving up that court-side stank eye is because this picture was taken exactly 0.2 seconds after Jay Z suggested they move to Los Angeles because Gwyneth Paltrow told them to. “I’m sorry, but when did that bony know-it-all broomstick start making the decisions around here? There’s only one person who calls the shots, and it’s BEYONCE!…and maybe Blue Ivy Carter if I’m powered down for my weekly maintenance tune-up“.

So it sounds like Goopy can now add pushy real estate agent to her resume (right underneath pussy steaming expert). According to UsWeekly, Goopy won’t have to travel to NYC to desperately dry hump Beyonce and Jay Z for street credibility anymore, because she recently convinced them to move to Los Angeles. A source says:

“Beyonce and Jay Z are making L.A. their permanent home based a lot on the advice of their friends. The friend that really influenced them to move was Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth was telling Jay and Bey about the quality of life for her kids in L.A. and really swayed Beyonce and Jay to make the move. It’s all for Blue Ivy.”

Beyonce and Jay Z are currently living in a hotel in Beverly Hills and are searching for the perfect home, but they’ve already found a preschool for Blue Ivy. TMZ says her royal highness BIC has been enrolled in a toddler program at a fancy private school, the tuition of which is $15,080 a year. “Oh, that’s cute – so you’re sending her to public school then?” asked Goopy, as she wrote out a $138,000 check for the Gooplets private Latin lessons at the Vatican.

And I can’t wait to read all about the story Gwyneth writes for GOOP about helping them move-in. “After a long day of watching the movers carry each piece of hand-crafted imported furniture into their cozy little 67-bedroom cottage, I decided to treat my good friends Beyoncé Giselle and Shawn Carter to a much needed pizza and beer break. So I had my private jet whisk us off to my favorite brewery in Belgium…“

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s a tale of love and compassion….

Professional cheater Lance Armstrong took his lying act from his bike to his SUV last December when he hit a bunch of parked cars and let his girlfriend Anna Hansen take the fall. The Aspen Daily News (via ESPN) says that after partying in Aspen, CO on December 28th, Lance got behind the wheel of his GMC Yukon and during the drive home, he hit two parked cars. Poor Lance is so sick of the media throwing shit at him for the stuff he brought on himself, so Anna agreed to say she was driving to avoid national attention. I know, doesn’t that just bring your cold, dead heart to life and make you believe in true love?

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While looking like Olive Oyl’s so-edgy fashion school sister, aspiring teenage mallrat Katy Perry shocked absolutely no one by admitting to ELLE magazine that the world of pop music is basically a come-to-life soap opera where everyone is given a predetermined character to play. Unfortunately, it’s not an exciting soap opera like Passions or Metropia or Monsignor Martinez, but one of those boring soap operas where everyone just stands there smelling the fart while waiting for the wealthy oil tycoon to die so they can start fighting over who gets his mansion. And in this pop music soap opera (possible name: Backstabbers & Backing Tracks), Katy Perry knows what roles would be played by professional Rebecca Ann Leeman-type Taylor Swift and human period cramp Kanye West:

“You’ve got to name someone the villain, someone the princess, someone the mom-, the dad-type—you know there always have to be characters. As pop figures, we’re all characters. And the media uses that. Who is the sweetheart, who is the villain? You know. Taylor’s the sweetheart. Kanye’s the villain. That’s the narrative.”

Okay, so what does that make Katy Perry? The bad girl? The misunderstood hooker with the heart of gold? The evil gold-digging nurse who fakes her own death and comes back as her long-lost half-sister? The character who won’t stop dating the slimy douchebag? That’s it.

Sadly, Katy didn’t elaborate further on her dramatic long-running soap opera feud with Sweetheart St.TayTay (because she’s saving it for 3rd period gym class) but she did talk about the Susan Lucci of the pop world: BEYONCE!

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