Well, if by that they mean it looks like the kind of low-budget mess you’d download by mistake and shamefully fap/tap to on a lonely Tuesday night, then yes, I guess you could say it’s porny. And if you live in Malaysia, it sounds like that’s the only way you’ll be able to enjoy Fifty Shades of Grey, because the pearl-clutching prudes who run the Malaysian Film Censorship Board have deemed it too rude and lewd for Malaysian eyes. According to Malaysia’s The Star (via People), MFCB Chairman Datuk Abdul Halim Abdul Hamid describes the film as being more “pornography than a movie” and therefore it’s too nasty to show in Malaysian cinemas. Chairman DAHAH says:

“The board made a decision in view of the film containing scenes that are not of natural sexual content. The content is more sadistic, featuring scenes of a woman being tied to a bed and whipped.”

He’s half right – sex isn’t normally so goddamn boring. And when he says the content is “more sadistic”, I assume he’s talking about the sadistic ear torture he suffered from listening to that god-awful dialogue. But does he really think that seeing Melanie Griffith’s daughter getting a paddlin’ from a soft-spoken Irish dude is crossing a line? The people of Malaysia invented a pizza crust that looks like a weeping anus; I think their eyes can handle some tepid spanking.

And I’m sure that being forced to sit through that crap made Chairman DAHAH curse out his choices in life, but he should just be thankful that he got stuck reviewing Fifty Shades of Snooze and not that narcolepsy-triggering Q&A video Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson recently filmed for Glamour.

Here’s Jamie Dornan arriving at JFK airport earlier today. Damn, Christian Grey looks fine with a beard.

Pics: Splash

“What’s a Madonna?” said the average Snapchat user who is around 13 years fucking old.

Madge usually only mingles with the children when she needs to capture one to drink its virgin blood so her face stays tighter than an acrophobiac’s b-hole while standing in a hot air balloon, but she mingled with the children today because she wants them to buy her new album. Madge (seen above giving you plastic marionette after sucking on a lemon) skipped on over to the preschool playground of social media known as Snapchat and dropped her video for “Living For Clicks” (Aren’t we all?). “Living For Love” is the first single off of her new album Rebel Heart, which leaked everywhere yesterday and I’m already disappointed that I’m not watching video after video of the Glittery Gays of YouTube singing along to her songs with black shoelaces tied around their faces.

Billboard says that “Living For Love” debuted on Snapchat’s “Snap Channel” section, whatever the fuck that is, and the app’s 200 million users can watch it there. This shit is totally going to become a trend, isn’t it? Try not to look too shocked when Taylor Swift debuts her new video on the Pinterest app. What am I saying? She’ll debut it on Grindr because she’ll want her ex-boyfriends to see it.

If you’re an old bitch like me and don’t have Snapchat on your iPhone, because you don’t have room thanks to the Werther’s Original and AARP apps, here’s the video. I’m surprised the video is nothing but Madge crotch humping the face of a Martin Luther King Jr. impersonator wrapped in black licorice.

That shit is very American Horror Story: Take A Bow. It’ll definitely get yanked off, because Madge wants you to download Snapchat to see it, so if that happens click here.

The most frequently-mentioned name in December’s dishy leaked Sony email scandal, Amy Pascal (seen above serving up some white hot Jerri Blank-meets-Big Business realness), has announced today that she’ll be stepping down from her position as co-chairman of Sony Pictures. Amy has been with Sony since 1988, but I guess after a year filled with more back-stabbing and cattiness than a group of middle school girls whose names all end in -leigh, she decided to call it quits. Although she hasn’t officially quit Sony altogether; Deadline says she’s launching a production company within Sony that will focus on movie, TV, and theatre.

Meanwhile, no word on what’s happening with Angelina Jolie’s other nemesis at Sony, Scott Rudin, but it’s probably safe to assume that he’s not going anywhere and he’s already started working on his next volume of bitchy email poetry for Amy’s replacement.

Amy hasn’t said whether or not that messy Sony hack and the resulting leaked email drama is the reason she’s backing away from her desk as co-chairman, but I’m an irrational hot head who likes to point fingers, so I’m saying yes, it totally did, and it’s all that troublemaking trick James Franco’s fault for making The Interview! If he and Seth Rogen had focused their energy into making an unauthorized Freaks and Geeks spin-off about the wacky adventures of Daniel Desario and Ken Miller instead of making a movie that would piss off the angry Korea and make them leak Sony’s email secrets and cause St. Angie to stare deep into Amy Pascal’s eyes and damn her for all eternity, Amy Pascal wouldn’t be in this mess. And that, my friends, is what’s known as flawless logic.

Here’s James Franco arriving in Berlin yesterday. I hope he sends Amy Pascal a muffin basket that says “Sorry?” as well as a 1st draft of that Freaks and Geeks movie I really want to see:

Pics: Splash

Bobby Brown’s wife Alicia Etheridge is pregnant and today is his born day, so he should be butt burping up doody bubbles of joy, but of course he’s not. A few days ago, Bobbi Kristina Brown’s family said that she was moving her eyes a bit and that her brain function had improved a lot since the day she was found unconscious in her bathtub. But this morning, TMZ, People and others delivered a sad by reporting that doctors told the Brown and Houston families that there was nothing more they could do for Bobbi Kristina and Bobby Brown has to make the decision on whether or not to take her off life support. It was also reported that the Houston and Brown families were keeping it one hundred percent classy by fighting at the hospital. I can just picture the Brown and Houston families yelling at each other in the waiting room as Cissy Houston sits in the corner sipping a vending machine hot chocolate while rolling her eyes.

A different source tells E! something different. That source claims that the Houstons and Browns are not fighting and not getting ready to say goodbye to Bobbi Kristina.

Contrary to reports, Bobbi Kristina Brown “is not brain dead, and the Houstons and the Browns are not fighting,” a source close to the family told E! News Thursday. Additionally, the source explained, “There is no ‘family gathering’ today that is any different from any other day since she has been in the hospital.”

So, one source says that Bobbi Kristina’s family are gathering to say goodbye and a different source says that they aren’t gathering to say goodbye. I don’t know what to believe, but I do know that this situation is every shade of sad and the makers of that temporarily uplifting magic golden retriever video needs to make more magic golden retriever videos.

UPDATE: Bobby Brown’s lawyer released this statement about TMZ and People’s story:

“If we issued a statement every time the media published a false report regarding this matter, that’s all we would be doing 24 hours a day. This is false, just as is the vast majority of the other reporting that is currently taking place.”

It’s been a little over four months since come-to-life Robert Crumb cartoon Amber Rose quit her 1-year marriage to human-sized weed bud Wiz Khalifa, and already they’ve managed to pack in more divorce drama than most people could do in twice the time. And naturally, most of it has been happening on Twitter, because Amber and Wiz are very mature adults. So it should come as a shock to absolutely no one that Wiz Khalifa went on a long-ass melodramatic rant about his ex-wife two nights ago on Twitter. Wiz never gets into specifics about what set off him off, but it sounds like something went down with their 1-year-old son Sebastian.

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Well, I guess the Coppertone Girl really is all grown up.

It was truly a night of pussies on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night. He debuted the pussylicious cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition and did the Saved By The Bell reunion co-starring big pussy Mario Lopez (no offense to big pussies). I wish the Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition and Saved By The Bell would have joined forces and put Miss Bliss in a two-piece on the cover. But instead of doing that, Sports Illustrated put 24-year-old Hannah Davis on the cover. I know Hannah Davis because she’s been Derek Jeter’s on-and-off piece for 2 years. I wonder if he gives her a gentlemanly gift basket of autographed memorabilia every time they break up.

This is Hannah’s first time on the cover and her third time in the issue. This is the same issue where Sports Illustrated made the bold decision to feature a plus-size model in an ad they were paid for. How bold and heroic of them! SI: Swimsuit Edition is pretty much for straight dudes, so I get why she’s doing the “pulling my chonies down in the middle of this farm in Tennessee” pose on the cover, but damn they broke all the copies of Photoshop while working on this one. Mimi took a break from screaming at her in-house Photoshop artist about shaving 5 more inches off of her waist to look at this cover and say, “Too far, dahlings, too far.” The cover looks like an oil painting of a shape-shifting Thundercat who is in the middle of morphing into Jennifer Lawrence.

I can’t wait for next year’s cover which will probably feature a spread-eagled naked model with nothing but a piece of nylon floss tied around her clit. A clit-kini!

And here’s some pictures from last August of Hannah Davis in her human form.

Pics: Wenn.com