If Channing Tatum working in a metal shop ala Flashdance and Kevin Nash’ awkward stomping and luscious mane makes your loins gush like a vanilla pudding Snack Pack that’s been squeezed too tight, then cover your screen with Saran Wrap and lay down the tarp, because the first trailer for Magic Mike XXL is out. The Texas T-Rex is out (because his Oscar tells him that he’s way too fancy for this shit) and so is that annoying Cody Horn person who is the worst case of nepotism in a while. Amber Heard and Michael Straham’s gap are in. You don’t care, but here’s the synopsis anyway:

Picking up the story three years after Mike bowed out of the stripper life at the top of his game, “Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa likewise ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.

You know what bothers me about that synopsis? The fact that there is a synopsis. We don’t want a plot! We just need 3D close-ups of bulges and Matt Boner’s ass bouncing up and down like a tiny bulldog in a pick-up truck as he humps the floor while “Pony” plays. This is the synopsis for Magic Mike XXL I want to read:

BULGE BULGE BUGLE DICK THRUSTING BULGE PECS DICK BULGE BULGE BULGE SWAYING DICK BULGE BULGE BOUNCING ASSES DICK BULGE BULGE TWERKING PECS BULGE BULGE AIR FUCKING BARE ASS BULGE BULGE DICK BULGE

And this is how product placement is done:

Although, it really should’ve been leche instead. They missed out on a good opportunity to make the best Got Milk? ad ever.

It was really only a matter of time before things started to get messy between Jeremy Renner and his 10-month wife and baby mama Sonni Pacheco. First he knocks up a random ex-girlfriend and marries her. Then she quits his ass 10 months later and claims the prenup she signed is bogus because it’s based on “fraud”. And now, Sonni is saying she should have full-time custody of their 1-year-old daughter Ava Berlin because Jeremy’s house is one big gun-filled Rube Goldberg-style baby death trap.

According to TMZ, Sonni and Jeremy currently share joint custody of Ava, but Sonni has recently filed papers asking for primary custody, claiming that Jeremy’s house is filled with BABY DANGER. Sonni says Jeremy has a pool that isn’t fenced in, as well as a gun collection that includes one of the guns being out in the open behind a bar, like he’s Ben Gazzara in Road House or some shit. She also claims Jeremy made $3.5 million in 2014 and has $13 million in assets, and therefore she deserves a ton of child support, $75,000 in attorney’s fees, and $25,000 in other “legal expenses” (ie. repairing the handle on her shovel from digging too hard).

Sonni decided to take her child support drama to court, because she claims the first time she asked Jeremy for child support, Sonni says he told her to “Get a j.o.b“. RUDE! Being a full-time wallet humper is a job, Jeremy. But a source close to Jeremy (hi Kristoffer Winters!) says that Jeremy has totally been handing over child support ever since she quit their marriage, and that this is all just a ploy to snatch more cash from his wallet.

Oh boy. It sounds like Sonni is really going for the gold here and isn’t going to stop until she has a dump truck full of Hawkeye cash making beep-beep noises as it backs into her driveway on the 1st of every month. Meanwhile, Baby Ava is like “Trick, you better buy me another pool with some of that money.“

I see they’ve rolled out the prototype for the special plastic theater seatings to be installed for the 50 Shades of Grey showings. – WTFOMGLOL

Upvote winner:

New from Ikea, the Hämm. – Tom Hardy’s Proctologist

Pic: @AndyRichter

Susy Diaz, the most talented and gorgeous goddess in Peru and beyond!

Up until yesterday afternoon, I had no idea who Susy Diaz is, because the American media has done me wrong and hasn’t introduced me to this graceful, elegant and camera shy Peruvian rose whose petals are filled with potent talent. Susy Diaz is a tabloid star and all-around master of all trades in Peru. She’s a singer, dancer, entertainer, burlesque star and one-time congresswoman who was ordered to pay a fine and was put on probation for taking a bribe (according to Wikipedia). Susy Diaz is everything. She has the looks of a young Brigitte Bardot, the dancing skills of Baryshnikov, the voice of a nightingale trained by Maria Callas and the charisma of Jesus. Susy Diaz looks like Xtina after getting a makeover from Big Ang. In other words, she’s stunning.

Yesterday, Susy Diaz FINALLY made her American morning show debut when she performed on Today with her back-up singers, a little known group called First Do No Harm or Fifty Harmony or something like that. Since Susy Diaz redefines graciousness and is modest about her talents, she let her backing group perform in front of her while she danced behind them on the other side of the window. Susy Diaz wanted the lessers to get some shine in the spotlight for once. I know, she’s a legendary chanteuse, a politician AND a saint. At the 1:55 mark in the video below, watch Susy Diaz nearly break the glass with her raw talent:

FYI: That police officer was later stripped of his badge and charged with obstructing talent.

Susy is apparently in NYC to shoot a reality show. FINALLY, this country is getting some real talent. Susy Diaz is the legendary goddess this country needs, but doesn’t deserve. All hail Susy!

Now we know who the reincarnation of Venus on a Half Shell is.

via MuuMuse

Natalie Imbruglia (40)
Facebook (11)
Carly Patterson (27)
Bug Hall (30)
Jeff Dye (32)
Kimberly Wyatt (33)
Gavin DeGraw (38)
Cam’ron (39)
Oscar De La Hoya (42)
Rob Corddry (44)
Gabrielle Anwar (45)
Clint Black (53)
Alice Cooper (67)
Dan Quayle (68)
George A. Romero (75)
Jerry Adler (86)

Pic: Instagram

Judging by that screen shot, they’re doing….. well….

The last time I wrote about Randy Quaid and his wife/partner in pure fuckery Evi Quaid, Canada had declared that they weren’t going to ship these two two back to the US to face charges for the vandalism they did while squatting in their former Santa Barbara house. Randy and Evi ran off to Canada because they didn’t want to face charges and also because they claimed some group of celebrity assassins called the Star Whackers were after them. Well, since then and now, Randy has grown out his luscious beard into a giant cotton ball cloud, he’s thrown a lawsuit at John Kerry and he’s still spitting out conspiracy theories.

In a new video that was splattered onto the Internet today, Canada’s very own (he belongs to you now, Canada) ranted against former Warner Bros executive Bruce Berman, the New York Post and Rupert Murdoch. While looking like a Duck Dynasty Santa Claus, Randy said he has made Warner Bros over 1 billion dollars and they thanked him by having him and Evi falsely arrested by TMZ (???) six times. Randy also accuses Bruce Berman of stealing his house. As for the New York Post, Randy slapped at them for smearing his good name and said that Rupert Murdoch has fucked him over and over again. Meanwhile, Evi sat in the background wearing a bikini and sunglasses.

This is probably the fever dream that David Lynch has after falling asleep while watching Christmas Vacation.

It doesn’t end there, Evi gets up, puts a picture of Rupert Murdoch over her face, bends over and Randy Quaid spits nature’s lube in his hand before dry humping her butt. If you really need that image seared onto your brain, here you go:

Three things:

1. That spit into the hand was a nice touch.

2. Is that dog barking for help or… Why am I even putting an “or.” Of course that dog is barking for help.

3. Dennis, Buddy, Brandy, any of the Quaids? For where art thou? Come and get your brother.